Joy Bauer Will Destory Your Love of Food

I’ve got to get this out. Joy Bauer pisses me the f*ck off.

By CC Staff

For those of you who have saved yourself by not knowing who this lady is, I’m about to ruin you — Joy Bauer is the nutritionist correspondent for the Today Show. She’s also published a ton of books and written about eating your veggies for a bunch of publications. Basically, she’s the Martha Stewart of the health world.

So why do I hate her? Because she’s systematically trying to destroy my happy relationship with food.

Every time I turn on the Today Show (read: while I’m on the elliptical at the ass crack of dawn or getting ready to brave the day) Bauer seems to be running her mouth about all the fantastic! and easy! ways for Americans to lose weight. As she gestures with her skinny arms (I want to know if this lady has ever lived a day over 115 pounds) to bad foods! and their subsequent good food! counterparts, I can’t help but want to shake that way-too-wide grin off her face.

Because she wouldn’t be so happy if she was actually taking all of her grey, lifeless advice.

Her recent “4 Weeks to a Better Body” segment illustrates exactly what I’m taking about. Her advice to get thin in 4 weeks? Basically: make your life so boring food wise the pounds will drop off your body in pity.

Some example “tips”:

1) keep only one or two snack items in the house

One or two snack items? Who the hell enjoys eating the same damn thing over and over again? Even peanut butter filled pretzel bites lose their appeal if they’re my only “snack” source for an extended period of time. This method is sure to make me start hating foods I once loved.

2) When it comes to pasta, rice, cereal, and ice cream, stick with portions that equal a “computer mouse” or a “baseball”

Uh. Okay. Since when did a “computer mouse” sized portion of cereal satisfy anyone who wasn’t a baby? In fact, I’ve seen babies eat a half cup of cereal and still want more (ps: these weren’t fat babies, either). I agree that Americans have an issue with portion size, but telling us to work out for 30 minutes a day, and then satiate ourselves with a half cup of pasta is ridiculous. When I get back from 40 minutes at the gym, a cup of cereal isn’t going to satisfy me, it’s going to make me sad.

3) Don’t eat starch with dinner.

Screw you, Joy. I’m not going to stuff myself with white bread and rice, but the low carb lifestyle is stupid. Protean and veggies! get really, really hard to swallow after a couple days. There’s only so many ways a poor college student can cook chicken. If I want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread, I’m eating that damn sandwich. I and won’t get fat because of it.

4) Eat the recommended amount of fruits and veggies: approx 2 cups of fruit and 2.5 cups of vegetables.

You may remember from the above paragraph that I have no money. Besides the fact that eating that much produce would leave almost no room for protean or my beloved whole grain bread, my bank account would be in the negative numbers. Not only does Joy recommend I spend every last penny on carrots and broccoli and apples, she recommends I stuff myself with them. NO ONE likes to eat that much produce. Joy, I don’t even think YOU like eating that much produce. It’s too much. And vegetables just aren’t fun to eat on a constant basis. Hands down. Period. Don’t try to fight me on it. We all know this to be true.

5) stock your pantry and fridge with low-fat, reduced-fat, and non-fat options

Okay. Anyone who knows anything about health knows a lot of products that have been rid of “fat” have been filled with something else. Namely, something chemical. And if it’s not chemically enhanced, it’s enhanced with sugar. Plus, that stuff just straight up tastes bad. Why fill your shelves with fake sh*t when you can just use less of the real deal? Living a life stuffed to the brim with reduced this and non that guarantees that you will soon equate food with fakeness and a strange, plastic-y aftertaste.

Recently, I went from 132 pounds to 121 pounds. I did this with exercise and attention to what I put on my plate. I did NOT eat fake food, I allowed myself more than infant-sized portions, ate well below the “recommended” daily intake of fruits and veggies (although I still eat 2-3 servings of each a day), and certainly didn’t give up bread. There aren’t a lot of sweets in my freezer but there are some, and I don’t pretend that “fat free whipped topping” tastes awesome.

I get that Joy Bauer is trying to build a health empire, and when building an empire, it’s essential that one create rules and regulations for followers to…well…follow…but I, for one, refuse to be part of the Regulate-Yourself-Until-You-Want-To-Cry army. I will not measure, weigh, obsess, or pretend that dieting is a sustainable way of life.

…But I will keep on railing against the Bauer Lifestlye.

At least until she admits a piece of chicken “the size of a deck of cards” is stupid.