College Candy

I write the following with the understanding that no matter how annoying Facebook can be, it will never be more annoying than Myspace. (Editor’s Note: I am not so sure…) And I will not stop using Facebook because of these things.

10. People You May Know. Otherwise known as “People that you don’t know well enough to be friends with”, “People who have rejected your friend request”, or “People you hate and would never friend even if their lives somehow depended on you friending them.” Facebook has been around long enough that if you haven’t found your friend yet, and he or she hasn’t found you, then you probably aren’t very good friends to begin with.

9. The Mini-Feed. Because you need constant reminder of the things you’ve recently done or said. Or applications you’ve added. Or songs you’ve listened to. Or things you’ve edited. The mini feed takes up like ¼ of your page (unless you are a dirty application whore: see below) and when you try to delete things, it keeps adding other things from days and weeks ago.

8. The Education and Work box. I say this is annoying, but it’s honestly the first thing I look at on someone else’s page. I do it because I am a masochist and I like to hurt myself by seeing how well these people that I hardly know are doing in places that I would love to move to.

7. Bikini profile pictures. Yes, you are young and skinny and attractive and you have great times at the beach with your girlfriends. I get it.

6. Picture-takers. One of my best friends is one of these people and has, last count, 60 photo albums on her page. 60! That’s not 60 pictures, 60 albums. And so, on any given day, there will be ten or twenty new pictures of her on my news feed. I love her to death, and I never tire of her face, but girlfriend has 1462 pictures on facebook. Seems a tad much.

5. People who spend too much time on facebook. And totally take over my news feed with twelve different, whiny status updates a day (“Douchebag Jones…is still in love with her.” “Douchebag Jones…wishes she knew how this feels”) and the copious addition of applications. Which leads me to…

4. People who update facebook with the minutiae of their lives. “Douchebag is sleeping”, “Douchebag is eating cheese” “Douchebag is playing World of Warcraft”. “Douchebag feels lonely”.

3. People who have way, way too many applications on their page. Applications make the page totally unreadable and impossible to navigate, not to mention totally obnoxious and boring. I propose a 5-application limit. Which leads me to…

2. Stupid g*ddamn applications. Flair, pin-up quizzes, movies, books, causes, werewolves, vampires, scrabulous, Entourage, super walls, heroes ability, which Sex and the City character are you?, lolcats, growing pets—all. too. much. And totally uninteresting to anyone that goes on your page. And honestly, do you keep up with them? My least favorite one is the compare people application, because there is always that one friend that is #1 in everything! Makes me feel like crap.

1. Application invites. They make me turn-into-the-hulk mad. I don’t want to be on your zombie army and I don’t care what stupid thing you have written on my fun wall. And if I wanted to see what superlative you nominated me for, I have to download the whole effing application to do so. And then the application tricks you into sending invites to everyone on your friends list who, if they are anything like me, will resent you for it. And I’ve yet to find the “turn off all application invites” option if such a thing exists.

Getting that off my chest should make me feel better, but I find myself so. tense. Maybe one of my friends will send me a FB drink to make me feel better….