60 Minutes Hates My Generation
A few months ago I woke up from a Salvia induced trip, naked in my living room, surrounded by crumpled newspaper. As the Thai Buddha, who had just a few minutes ago been telling me ‘not to let the planet overwhelm me,’ faded from view, I realized that in my stupor I had somehow managed to turn on 60 Minutes.
I usually don’t watch this show because in my opinion it embodies everything wrong about aging. It’s basically saying ‘being old and curmudgeon-y is part of aging, let’s be closed off to the world that’s different from what we remember,’ and also because Andy Rooney drinks baby’s blood and I can’t support that (could he clean his office?).
Anyways, on this episode, Morley Safer (calculating age based on name…estimated age: 200) did a piece on a group of people called Millennials. The piece was supposed to be about how these people (born in between 1980 and 1995? He’s talking about you) are ruffling feathers in the white collar work force with their crazy tattoos and pudding pops and “Pokemans.” Bosses are ‘terrified.’
But what's betrayed by his language and description of these types of people is that it isn't their style choices that frighten Morley, but their 'inability to hear the word no' and how they were completely spoiled by a culture where 'everybody wins.' As I watched, it slowly became clear to me that this segment was really about Safer's theory that young people are Draculas. He couldn't fathom how anyone who grew up in such a way could operate in the real world.
Pro Tip, Safer: The real world is f*cked up thanks to old white motherf*ckers like yourself and their 'work ethic.' Perhaps people more invested in happiness than finance will eventually read some literature about the unfair distribution of wealth and change this terrible system.
And yeah, maybe I did get a trophy for my 5th place finish in remedial 11 and 12's soccer. Sorry I wasn't taught from a young age that the world is going to run me over and that maybe I should just give up and sell my soul for a 401k and a paycheck that'll keep me just alive enough to feel dead. The mentality around rewarding loss isn't about making everyone feel like a winner, you idiotic dipsh*t. It's about making the game FUN for everyone who plays. It teaches the old chestnut 'it's not about who wins or loses, but how you play the game, and how much fun you had doing it.'
That mentality, which you take as 'the inability to hear the word no,' is basically the pursuit of real happiness, not money. So yeah, we are going quit when we get mistreated. And no, we won't work 60 hours a week for more money. And yes, we want to wear what we want, because what we wear has nothing to do with how hard we work.
Google is a corporate monster. It eats the companies you dream about (with people in ties, clanging on typewriters) for godd*mn breakfast. You know what people do when they don't feel like programming at Google? They go play in the f*cking ball pit and eat soft serve fro-yo while texting on their 'rasberry contraptions.'
I know many people over 60 who are f*cking cool and people like you are giving aging a bad name. Get a life, Safer Morley...and stop nagging on my generation.