Ten Signs I’m Getting Old

By Candy

I told my mother the other day that I felt like I was getting old and she laughed at me. She said she didn’t want to hear sh*t about getting old until I went through menopause. Fair enough.

But that doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel thirty and all of its dastardly implications creeping up behind me, breathing warm and horrifying down my neck. Here are some signs that I’m getting old; my youth and lack of responsibility fading farther and farther into the distance. Keep in mind that there is a distinction between getting old and becoming more mature, as one can see in the way I respond to my family in #8.

10. I don’t listen to music on the radio anymore. I listen to NPR. All Day. Every single day of the week. And then when I get to work, I listen to it online. And in podcast form.

9. I have a thing for older men.

8. My family has moved on from asking when I’m going to get married to when I’m going to have a baby. To which my inner voice triumphantly screams, “NEVER, SUCKAS!”

7. I can’t get drunk anymore. And I don’t even feel like trying. Frightning, I know. When I do drink, I drink wine.

6. My main source of exercise is step aerobics.

5. I refuse to get a new car because I like my 97 Volvo just fine, thank you, and new cars are a horrible investment, what with the depreciation.

4. I don’t understand kids today.

3. My Christmas and birthday lists included not DVDs, books, CDs, MP3 players, etc as it had in previous years. Instead, I really wanted some new bakeware. And a nice new set of sheets. And, okay, a book about the Dust Bowl.

2. My facebook status currently says, no joke and totally unironically, “Yay! My Unsolved Mysteries DVDs are in!” And an episode totally made me cry today.

1. I wake up early every morning, at like 6:30. For. No. Reason. I don’t have to be at work until 10 or so. And I spend that extra time drinking coffee and reading a book. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra frisky, I do my step aerobics.

Help?