So the other day I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to have a little date with a speculum. That’s right, ladies! A gyno appointment! Vajayjay invasion before most people were sitting in their cubicles! Nothing says good morning like lubed-up metal and poking fingers.

The only thing that was worse than realizing some lady in pink scrubs got more intimate with me than a dude has in months was realizing just how many months it’s been — and having to say it out loud. See, for us single gals, going for your annual pap is a big, giant reminder of your past transgressions…or lack thereof. Have you slept with too many losers? Haven’t slept with anyone since the last full moon? Were you so drunk you can’t really remember if you used a condom or not? And how about your pubes…when was the last time you shaved or waxed?

I mean, all of those questions and more are answered when a girl goes to the gyno, and the answers aren’t always awesome. For instance, I realized I’ve been without sexy time for enough months to basically compile a year, and when the doc asked me when me last sexual encounter was, I let out this weird half-laugh, half-moan and cut my celibacy in half. I was embarrassed to tell my gynecologist about my empty sex life! Who am I? Read More »

Purple is in right now. I first caught wind of this when my friend was bemoaning the fact that eggplant purple is trendy and that every girl who wears it looks like Barney. However, when we went shopping the next day she tried on a purple top and looked made her look more like Barbie than Barney. She broke down and fell for the color like a supermodel on a slippery runway.

I started seeing it more, especially when I went shopping with my boyfriend. “Shopping” as in we walked around looking at things we couldn’t afford. Purple everywhere! Purple Dior shoes, Armani dresses, Louis bags. Stupid college budget.

Purple is super trendy right now, and though it may be pink’s retarded cousin, it does looks pretty damn hot. So, here are some of the cutest purple finds for the fall, to be worn with feistiness. Read More »

Did you hear? Designer Vaginas were blacklisted in Australia!?

Yeah, I can’t believe it either! I mean, I am all about designer everything – bags, clothes, shoes, etc. – but I didn’t know a designer va-jay was an option! (Note: I just did some investigating and found out that this does not refer to some sort of

Louis Vuitton hoo-hah, but rather surgery to make it look prettier. Damn.)

Yeah, so basically women have been seeking out uber expensive surgery ($10,000!) to make their vaginas look more appealing. Surprisingly (pause, NOT!), some doctors are getting a little worried about this. Not only is it ridiculous to want a better lookin’ vag (let’s be honest…they aren’t the prettiest things), but the surgery is not safe and can cause long term sensitivity issues.

Um, ladies, why you so crazy? What is the point of a pretty (and overpriced) vag if you can’t enjoy it?

I’m just sayin’…

A recent article in the Gainesville Times discussed a woman who sued her fiancé for dumping her after she’d left her high paying human resources job and moved to a different city to be with him. And she won! The ex-fiancé received $150,000 for financial and emotional suffering.

At first, I was like, “WTF!, How ridiculous to bring your wounded heart and unsuccessful marriage into legal matters!” But, then I realized that maybe she had a point. I mean, an engagement is sort of a contract, or at least a promise of a long term commitment. And why shouldn’t this woman be repaid for her lost wages and emotional distress.

In fact, why can’t everyone receive that luxury? So, I got to thinking; what would I sue my ex for if I could? And this is what I came up with:

Dear Ex-boyfriend (who, shall remain nameless),

In seeing how you dumped me and shattered my heart into a million little pieces, I am taking you to court and suing you for the following: Read More »

I can’t explain what it is about Dave Matthews, but millions of college boys fall in love with him year after year. And so, by default, do the girls they date. I’m even pretty sure at about 40% of the country’s universities, you can’t even apply unless you’ve been to or intend to attend a Dave Matthews show, because he’s so “f*ckin unbelievable live.” Right? Riiiight.

I admit, I’ve been. It’s an amazing live show, it really is. That and the contact high you can get on the walk from the parking lot to the amphitheater is sick. But no, boys definitely love the Dave, and when you date one, you learn to love (or tolerate, or pay to see) him too. The odds are not in your favor–you will learn to deal.

I personally was never into Dave Matthews until I dated his stalker, a guy who had been to over 30 shows around the country, owned every album, some memorabilia…you get the idea. He had a man-crush on Dave. So, I tried to appreciate instead of judging him as a little weird (error in judgment number one). I downloaded more Dave than my own iPod could handle, I think at one point a good sixth of my playlist was devoted to DMB. I took it even further and went to a few shows. Which were good, you know, until I attached memories of the guy to them. And then the relationship ended on an incredibly bad note. And I was left with the sappy croonings of Dave Matthews to remind me what a moron I’d been. Never again can I think about seeing him live (which is sooo fun if you tailgate) or throwing on a random mix to fall asleep to.

Dave had to go, and after removing him from my iPod (but not my iTunes, should I lapse), I was safe. Or so I thought. Read More »

Ali Lohan: THIS close to being another Hollywood porn star. Take that, Linds!

What do Obama, Hilton and Spears have in common? Ask John McCain!

Man-Makeup was one thing, but man-ty hose? Stop the insanity!

“Forgot” the SPF this summer? Here are some ways to fix the damage.

Fun with Heidi and Spencer: the kid’s book edition.

I can’t. stop. watching.

Get better, Liz! White Diamonds 4eva!

Wanna make a couple million? Time to transfer schools.

Breast Cancer: separate the fact from the fiction.

My 3 month old MacBook is about to be outdated…again.

Tom Cruise sued for being crazy a Scientologist.

Too cute for words.

You know how you can rub a lamp and a genie will come out and grant you three awesome wishes (I mean, in theory)? Well, according to some people, if you rub a staple shoved into the “upper cartilage of [your] left pinna” — the visible part of the ear — three times a day, you won’t want candy and you’ll lose weight.

I’m serious.

Acupuncture has been around for a while, but this type of acupuncture has recently become more popular with lazy people who would rather get foreign objects stapled into their body then move around and eat more vegetables. Ear Stapling is connected to the idea that piercing the upper ear cartilage, “provides constant stimulation for the vagus or pneumogastric nerve, a very lengthy (the word vagus means wandering) nerve that supplies motor and sensory information from the mouth and larynx down to the large intestine and colon“.

Even though some people swear it works, one can really prove anything scientific when it comes to the practice of Ear Stapling. Maybe it’s real. Maybe it’s the Dumbo’s Feather affect. Whatever the case, if you’re asking someone to shove a staple through your ear to lose weight…you’ve got more to worry about than a propensity for donuts.

I mean…leave your ears alone, lift some weights, and cook more stir-frys. Honestly, friends…it’s not that hard.

Some people like burgers. Some people eat a lot of burgers–after going out, the next day for lunch, for dinner on a date. Yes, some people like burgers. I’m not one of them.

I don’t eat beef. I do, however, eat turkey. Not only is it very tasty when prepared correctly, it’s also much, much leaner. And, I might add, it’s cheaper too.

So here, for your dining pleasure, is a recipe for tasty turkey burgers. Don’t be fooled: These are not the dry-ass turkey burgers of the 80s. No, this is a good recipe for good turkey burgers. So…enjoy!

Turkey Burgers That Don’t Suck

makes 4 burgers

You’ll need:

1 lb of ground turkey

1 1/2 tbsp of finely chopped onion

3 small beaten egg whites

1/3 clove of minced garlic

1/8 tsp of fresh black pepper

1 tbsp of bread crumbs

1/4 tsp of salt

1 tbsp of chopped parsley Read More »

So here’s the sitch: John “I’m not dead yet” McCain likened Barack “Too Sexy for this presidency” Obama to Paris Hilton in one of his feeble attempts to get attention, or you know, “campaign,” which is pretty funny considering that McCain is married to a character who is very similar to Hilton. You know, blonde, looks like a leather handbag, is an heiress to a shit-ton of money but doesn’t really contribute other than being “umm, kinda good looking?”

I digress.

Anyway, the democrats got all pissy and whiney about the ad and made some comments that didn’t do anything to help the situation, but I’m sure they’re still whining about it, not being productive, you know, the usual. I didn’t really see the problem with the ad, mainly because I was psyched about Paris Hilton being president.

I’m not really wild about either candidate, so I’m going to have to say we all write-in Paris Hilton for president for 2008. Mostly, because who couldn’t do a better job than what’s his name? Also, because she would hopefully implement some great policies that would bring this country out of it’s depressing state.

She’s a perfect representative for America. She has tons of super sweet connections with people, even if the majority of her network is people she’s given blow jobs to. She’s concerned with appearances and does not approve of anything “not hot,” like terrorism, hate crimes, animal cruelty and flannel. She doesn’t seem to care about either the Democrat or Republican party, but she does party, thus making her the perfect middle ground this country needs. Read More »

A male friend and I were having a conversation about a mutual friend and his new relationship. Nothing too crazy, or out of the ordinary, until my friend said this:

“…Yeah and he went over to her house and laid some serious pipe.”

I gasped. I’m no prude. I don’t usually sigh and clutch my chest at the thought of people dropping sex-bombs, but there are some euphemisms for sex that seriously turn me off. Here’s the top 5.

5: Doing The Nasty

Religion, our parents, and old-school sex ed videos did a great job drilling some hard-core shame into our psyches regarding sex. The last thing I need to think about before I do the deed is how what I’m doing is often described as nasty. Nasty is word reserved for boogers, vomit, blood or a combination of the three.

4: Anything Related To Deli Meats

I get it; I get it. A penis looks a lot like a sausage. That’s not something that warrants hundreds of euphemisms though is it? When I hear unfortunate phrases like “porking,” “hide the salami,” or “parking the beef bus in tuna town,” I want to make myself a sandwich, not have sex with you. Read More »