Knowing Your Wingman Limits

If my alma mater offered a degree program for being a wingman, I’d have graduated valedictorian, magna cum laude, and have seven thousand honors cords around my neck commemorating my achievements.

Instead, I have friend-couples (you know, the couples you were friends with before they were couples) sprinkled through my social calendar, all with their own cute little anecdotes and acknowledgments that without me, they probably would’ve given up halfway through.

One of my best friends even said that she wished I had a me, so that I could be dating someone, too.

If you’re pausing because, hold up, the best way to have a me is for her to a be a me, that’s what I thought too. I tried to explain that to her.

Fact is, there are some seriously negative aspects to being a matchmaker. Beyond the fact that everyone is always using you for your skills, you’ve got to constantly reassure both parties that they actually are good enough for one another, and you’ve got to be prepared to deal with the questions.

“What’s her favorite flower?” “Where should we go to dinner?” “Am I cuter than his ex?” “Does she actually like me?”

You want to scream, ASK HER/HIM, NOT ME! But you don’t. Because you’re too good a friend. And so by means of you, they do the most romantic, adorable things for one another, for which you receive no public credit. Which is fine, even if you’re the one who remembered every allergy or pet peeve of your friend’s, just so their boy/girlfriend can get a perfect gift.

Sometimes you want to tear your hair out, because this really doesn’t benefit you at all. You’re just a mediator, making absolutely no profit outside of the respective happiness of your friends. And for me, sometimes, that’s enough. When it’s not, and when you have to jump in to defend a buddy’s character, then you need to draw a line.

Stick up for yourself. Remind them that you’re friends with both of them, individually, and you didn’t sign on to take sides when there’s trouble in paradise.

It’s okay to say no. You don’t have to be the third wheel just to make your friends more comfortable, and they should respect that.

It’s also okay to say nothing. You have no obligation to give any information you don’t deem appropriate to share, and you definitely don’t need to chime in your opinion, especially if you know it’s going to fall on deaf ears.

Have you been a middle-man in your friends’ relationship without wanting to? How do you handle these awkward situations?

[photo courtesy of www.manestreetgraphics.com]