The Top 5 Things That Prove I’m Turning Into My Mother (Dear God)

I love my Mom. I really do. She reads this site periodically so I REALLY LOVE HER…but, there are lots of ways in which we’re different. I won’t grow up to be like her. It’s just not possible. We’re not alike. I mean it. We’re not.

By Jess

…But then of course, I think about it, and realize there are ways I am slowly turning into my mother – even though I basically made a blood pact with myself such a thing would never happen.

5) I talk to the TV / movie screen

To this day, one of the most annoying things my mom can do in my presence is talk through a TV show or movie. Either she’s explaining to the room how stupid something is, or she’s asking questions that she wouldn’t have to ask if she would just LISTEN in the first place (“what’s happening here? Why is he like that?”). We have gotten into huge, giant fights about this habit of hers, and the one time I told her to be quiet in a rather nasty tone she got so pissed I thought she was going to set me on fire.

So yeah, I hate this habit of hers when she’s around, but when I’m alone or with friends…I freaking do the exact same thing. I don’t understand it. It’s like I’m compelled to slip snarky comments into the dialogue everyone’s trying so hard to hear. It’s horrible. I can’t stop.

4) I shop at Ann Taylor

When I was younger, and my mom would bring me to the mall, we’d always have to walk inside this bevy of sensible dresses and cashmere cardigans. The pastels would immediately make me feel like I needed to take a nap, and even my mother’s excited yelps of, “they have petites!” could not convince me to spend money there.

However, just the other day, I found myself drawn to the windows of this store, and then pulled inside, by the very same cardigans that used to make me want to vomit boredom. Plus…they have petites.

3) I am cynical / trust NO ONE

Growing up, I was always aghast at how worried my mom was about everything. Every weird guy with a limp could be a stalker / rapist, every promise was probably not going to get carried out, and those candy apples most likely had poison in them so get them out of your mouth right NOW! As a teen, I would constantly roll my eyes whenever she would do her The-World-Is-Out-To-Get-You routine, and secretly feel sorry for how much of a stick in the mud she was.

Now? That limping dude with a weird blink is totally going through my trash so he can break into my apartment while I sleep, and every time a guy says he’s going to call – I forget his name because I’m sure he won’t. I lie awake at night and worry about the smallest things, and that free pack of gum that Bible-thumper handed me on the subway? Full of drugs.

2) I have a weird vocal inflection

My friends know my mom by her first name — and by this thing she does where she’s talking normally and then all of sudden GETS REALLY LOUD. It’s a volume issue, I guess she had a deaf grandpa or something, but it’s so inherently my mom and so inherently hilarious. As a kid, I was constantly being berated by this inflection, and couldn’t understand why she couldn’t just keep her tone even.

These days? My friends make fun of me by A) waving their arms around (because I’m Italian and can’t talk otherwise) and B) copying this thing I do where I talk normally then get LOUD FOR NO REASON.

And the #1 way I’m turning into my mom?

1) I say the exact same things she said to me

To truly count up and relay all the quotes that have fallen out of my mouth that originated with my mom would be too hard on my psyche, so let’s just say that things I promised myself I would NEVER utter…are indeed uttered. On a weekly basis.

[Are you slowly transforming into your mom? Display your horror here!]