Mr. Cook’s Wild Receipt: When Porn Becomes WAY Too Important

Ok, so basically, this Brinkley/Cook divorce thing is your typical Hollywood story. Two famous people are happy until one decides he’d like to have sex with 18-year-old girls. Only in America! Apparently now (according to the Today Show, really scraping that barrel) it’s come out that Cook also enjoyed his porn. And not just ‘Oh lemme see some 30 second clips‘ enjoyed. We’re talking $3,000 a month in subscription fees. He really, really likes porno.

The frustrating thing about the Today Show piece is that they were calling the segment ‘Cyber Cheating,’ and while, surely, Cook cheated, and indeed he didn’t just look at porn but also used (apparently, its hard to tell with all the ambiguous language) ’sex’ sites, which we assume are swinger hubs, porn shouldn’t really be considered cheating. Granted, three grand worth of porn is divorce worthy, based on irresponsible money management and creepy factor alone, but looking at porn isn’t cheating. And if it is, every guy with a connection to the Internet is cheating. Half of them are cheating right now!

Is cybersex cheating? Arguable, but we can lean toward yes. Cybersex and ‘cyber-flirting,’ while physically harmless, reveal that you aren’t getting something from the relationship you’re in. You’re interacting with another person (probably a 40-year-old fat dude), and that’s where the difference lies. So, even if it’s not cheating, it’s low and you should just break up and find someone who can make you happy. Porn is (typically, unless your girlfriend is awesome) a solo thing, and it’s not really about wanting someone to talk to as it is about wanting to get your rocks off with speed and efficiency.

There aren’t many men over the age of 18 who watch porn and sigh woefully, wishing their significant others ‘could just be more like these women!‘ Admittedly, there are those ignorant sh*ts who want their girl to be a porn star in the sack and an angel everywhere else, but those guys are f*ckin’ retarded. Porn is a means to an end, and personally I don’t really understand why anyone would pay for (or collect) it at all. It’s free and it’s all over the goddamn internet.

What I want to know is HOW Peter Cook is spending that much on porn. I like porn as much as the next guy, but I can’t imagine a plausible scenario that involves a $3,000 MONTHLY bill. I mean, he can’t be looking at standard stuff, because $3,000 a month would just produce an astronomical amount of content. He’d need an entire team to sort and file…OH MAN!

When Peter Cook’s Head of Porn Management takes the stand, you all owe me $20.