College Candy

In response to yesterday’s list of 13 Truths About Women, we weren’t sure what to do. Do we respond to their “truths”? Maybe give them a little real information on women, instead of that bullsh*t they came up with?Or, do we go ahead and enlighten the world with some truths about men? Things we know to be true and think everyone should know when dealing with these….creatures.

We went with the latter. So, here they are: 13 Truths About Men That They Will Lie About Until They Die, But We Are Insightful Enough to Figure Out No Matter How Much They Deny:

(We must note, however, that, unlike men, we realize that all these truths can’t possible apply to all men. But they do show up, in some combination, in every single one.)

1. Sex Is Always a Top Priority: Guys often will try to make women believe that they are sensitive and don’t care about sex (“I want to talk!”), but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex is always number 1. Over sports. Over work. Over you. Over your relationship when he is in another city and a cute girl starts talking to him. Over his family. Over his health. If sex is an option, he will be taking it. And if sex is an option without a condom, he will be taking it in the 2.5 seconds it takes to rip your clothes off. No time to consider the repercussions, because those don’t matter when he can do it without the burden of a condom!

2. Think movie quotes are the funniest/best communication tools EVER: Guys remember movie quotes at an unbelievable rate. It doesn’t matter if it is an obscure line from an old Austin Powers movie, they will remember it. And quote it. At nauseam. And their guy friends will laugh, give the next line and – before you know it – the entire scene has been re-enacted.

3. Not (usually) as funny as they think they are: Newsflash, boys: quoting funny lines from movies does NOT make you funny. If makes you good at remembering things. Neither does laughing at your own jokes. That only means you think you are funny…and no one else.

4. They Exaggerate…EVERYTHING: They are never as successful as they say they are, tall as they say there are, funny (this is a big one) as they think they are, or pretty much anything. Guys tend to stretch the truth in attempts to look better and (see #1), get laid. If you are talking to a new guy, be wary; if he says he is a Law Student at Yale…he is probably applying to law schools….and Yale is out of his reach.

5. They Are Lazy: Ever know a guy to watch a Lifetime movie only because he is too lazy to get up and get the remote from the other side of the room? Or that boyfriend who will text you to come over because he is A) too lazy to dial and B) too lazy to come get you? Guys will do just about anything to avoid doing the work. From studying (copying someone’s notes) to dating (booty calls only, because they require little work) to going to the bathroom (where they don’t flush), they are lazy.

6. Don’t want you to spend all day getting ready, but secretly do out of fear of having the ugly GF: Guys may whine when you are 20 minutes late because you had to try on three different tops before even getting in the shower, but it’s just a front. Because the only thing worse than showing up to the party after the keg has already been taped, is showing up with the ugliest girl in the room. (Something about validation…which we will cover below.)

7. Think they can do everything better: Every interaction a guy has with anyone – male or female – turns into one big pissing contest. Guys always have to win, they always have to be the best, and no one knows how to do something better than them. Did the doctor diagnose you with an ear infection? Those doctors don’t know anything as much as he does. And what about Shaq? WHAT ABOUT HIM? He’s got nothing on this guy (Guy says this while pointing to himself with both thumbs.)

8. Can’t handle criticism: Guys are constantly complaining that women don’t guide them in the bedroom. But, the minute that we do they curl up into the fetal position and cry like little babies. Due to the fact that guys think they are the best at everything, the minute someone calls them out on something, they shut down. Note: This, boys, is why women fake it. It is a hell of a lot easier than trying to stroke your ego while explaining why jabbing things around down there doesn’t do much for us.

9. Constantly Require Validation and Approval: Most guys are used to having their mothers dote over them (“You are so smart, Jonny.” “That was a great try, Mikey!”), so now they need it. All the time. Why do you think they want you to talk dirty during sex? So they know how mind-blowing they are. And when they come home and tell you how they rocked that exam; yup, they just want to hear someone else tell them how absolutely smart (not to mention, adorable!) they are.

10. Always Have to Win: At everything. No matter how random. Typing speed (“I can totally beat 65 words a minute, bro!”). Eating (“I’m the Joey Chestnut of Doritos, dude.”). Wii Sports (“Oh yeah? You think you can bowl?! LET’S GO!”). It is pathetic and sad….but true. Oh, and fun to watch.

11. Call any girl not interested in them a bitch: Because any normal, nice girl would never reject him. Never. Something must be wrong with her if she wants nothing to do with him. Oh, and if your friends don’t like him, they suck too. It obviously has nothing to do with him; he’s perfect!

12. Are Pussies: Guys may talk a big game, but when it comes down to it they are really just giant pussies. Especially when it comes to breakups. Instead of acting like a mature guy (which may not exist anyway), lots of guys will take the easy way out. “I’ll stop calling; she’ll get the hint!” Or, “Maybe if I act like a dick long enough, she will just break up with me!” Then they will call their friends to tell them the story and hear how brilliant of an idea that was (See #9). This is often what leads guys to thinking the girl is “crazy” (which is really just a girl trying to figure out what is going on); but what guys don’t realize is simply being honest will make the breakup a LOT easier. (Hint, hint, boys.)

13. Are Two Faced: Guys always talk about how a girl will be nice to someone to their face and then tear them up behind their back. Guys are similar, only with them they will talk shit about a girl to their friends (“She has a great ass, but she sucks in bed.” Or, “I only call her late at night when I need a BJ.”) and be completely different around the girl. I don’t know if they are trying to save face in front of their guys or if they are just trying to get f*cked when they are with the girl, but either way – they are lying to someone.

14. And, one extra just to beat those boys…They think they know women. And based on that list, we know that is far from the truth.