College Candy

Batman. He’s rich, brooding, favors skin-tight latex, and tends to speak in a real low sexy-scratchy voice (no matter who’s playing him at the time). He’s obviously got some issues, but how can you hate on a guy who’s buff and saves the world on his off days from being a millionaire playboy?

I mean, I’d hit that.

There have been 5 Batman films since 1989, with a 6th one coming out this weekend. Not all of them have been critically acclaimed, but certainly all of them have tried to manufacture true hotness in a batsuit. Because we enjoy hotness even more than we enjoy things blowing up and campy dialogue, we here at CC have listed the Batman movies in order of their attractiveness factor. That’s right. Hot. Bod. Action.

5) Batman and Robin (1997)

Why it’s HOT: George Clooney, Alicia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, requisite skin-tight body suits

Why it’s NOT: Ahnold Schwarzengovener, Chris O’Donnell, the whole idea of “batboy” (please. Never seen anything gayer), the whole idea of “batgirl” (double please. She sucked), and this plot summary from IMDB.com: “Batman & Robin try to keep their relationship together even as they must stop Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy from freezing Gotham City” (sounds like a chick flick where people have idiot names).

4) Batman (1989)

Why it’s Hot: Jack Nicholson being crazy, Michael Keaton’s expressive eyebrows, pre-Ihatemyhusband Kim Basinger

Why it’s Not: Everything about Michael Keaton besides his eyebrows, boring plot, and how come it’s never sunny in Gotham?

3) Batman Returns (1992)

Why it’s Hot: Michelle Pfeiffer (and her catsuit), Michael Keaton’s eyebrows (now with more expression!) Christopher Walken, a plot that is interesting, Danny DeVito’s penguin laugh

Why it’s Not: Danny DeVito’s small penguin body, everything else about Michael Keaton (on what planet is this man attractive?), stupid obvious title

2) Batman Forever (1995)

Why it’s Hot: pre-fatness Val Kilmer in spandex, Nicole Kidman, hilariously ADDified Jim Carrey, Drew Barrymore, Tommy Lee Jones (when isn’t he fabulous?), lots of stuff exploding into fiery plumes

Why it’s Not: Chris O’Donnell (just.go.away), the wicked long plot, Jim Carrey in a green bodysuit, a title that makes no sense

1) Batman Begins (2005)

Why it’s Hot: Christian Bale in spandex, Christian Bale doing various shirtless things including push-ups, Michael Caine, Liam Neelson, a really good plot, Christian Bale smiling, Christian Bale’s accent…

Why it’s Not: Katie Holmes (all downhill since Dawson’s Creek, sweetheart), the fact that Christian Bale is not shirtless more often

[Any hot or not parts to your favorite Batman film? Also, how psyched are you for The Dark Knight (and possible shirtless Bale action)?!]