A One Night Stand CAN Make a Relationship

10-things-bed-ll-de.jpgA guy meets an amazing lady at a bar. They connect on every dot and the night becomes physical, eventually leading to sex. When the two used-to-be-strangers awake, all of the sparks that were there the night before are still there. The two are excited and make plans to see each other again as soon as possible. And they continue to see each other.

The random hook-up at the bar turns into a passionate relationship — whether titled or untitled is irrelevant. It could have been a one night stand, but because of the chemistry between the two people, it wasn’t.

Think this never happens? Well, you’re wrong. Plenty of my friends’ relationships started in this exact fashion and a few of my own past relationships started in the same manner.

Of course the sparks aren’t always there on the morning after, but you know what, the sparks aren’t always there after long-anticipated sex, either.

Sometimes — and I hate to admit it — but sometimes when you wait to have sex, you are, in fact, making sex the focal point of the relationship. You’re doing the exact opposite of what you’ve intended to do without even realizing it. To some guys, waiting to have sex becomes much more like a game that a foundation for a relationship. You set aside an unobtainable thing for a man to desire and he will, a lot of the time, do and say whatever he can to get that thing…regardless of whether or not it’s what he means inside. Does this have any relevance at all to whether or not the two of you are good for each other? NOPE.

I choose to have sex sooner than later — and always safely. I’d rather give a man the opportunity off the bat to drop his in-the-pursuit-of-sex act and show me who he really is. Who wants to waste months getting to know a guy who is still just fronting because he secretly can’t stop wondering when he’s going to have sex with you? I sure don’t.

But for those of you out there who think a man either A) loses respect for girls who have sex sooner than later or B) gains respect for girls who wait to have sex…I simply disagree. Most of my friends are guys and they have backed me up on this: respecting a woman has to do with WHO SHE IS, not long she makes you wait to f*ck her.

Anyone else agree?

[photo from:]



    1. Elise says:

      Yeesh, that was long. Sorry.

    2. Devon - UCLA says:

      It was long, but it was awesome! I too waited and was planning to marry the guy I waited for. Eventually we had sex and instead of 'ruining' our relationship, it showed me his true colors after two years and made me thank god I finally had sex with him!

    3. Elise says:

      This is where you’ve touched on one of the crucial flaws in the True Love Waits movement. And this is gonna sound kinda weird coming from me, since I waited through TWO engagements and dated my husband for one and a half years before marrying (and finally sleeping with) him.

      Waiting *can* work. If your religious or cultural beliefs decree it, or if you’re uncomfortable with the thought of sex before marriage for some other reason, you can indeed make a relationship work really, really well without premarital sex.

      But you gotta do better than this, abstainers. ‘Waiting’ is not the same as teasing, and it’s not a call for total asexuality either. A relationship in which you don’t kiss, caress, and enjoy each others’ bodies– even if you don’t go to third base, which I sure did once we were engaged– is just a friendship, and a sure-fire way to marry someone you don’t have that crucial chemistry with.

      And a relationship in which you use your body as leverage to get the ring is just *wrong*. I really hate the idea that guys, even good guys, are only in it for the sex and will leave you the moment they get it unless they’re tied down by marriage– what the hell’s keeping them married once they get it, then? What keeps them from sleeping around on you if you were just playing a keep-away game to get a bad boy down the aisle? UUUUUGH.

      Personally, when my first engagement ended in a messy, cheating, EXTREMELY public explosion, I was *really* glad that I could pick up my virginity with a straight face and walk out on his sorry ass. I’m sure I could have coped otherwise, but man, that felt really, really good.

      But if I’d just been keeping my V-card as a bargaining chip… well, instead of being able to return the ring as if it were a trinket from Claire’s, I’d have felt like my body had failed to achieve its ‘purpose’ (yay objectification), and probably wondered for years why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to get him to marry me. Not so much different from plenty of girls who actually *did* give it all up, only to be rejected for a newer, hotter version later on.

      If you’re gonna hold onto your virginity, you gotta do it right, or you’re in exactly the same emotional boat as if you hadn’t. No snooty superiority, no fear of your own sexuality, no bargaining for marriage, and no crushing guilt if you don’t manage it.

      And for the record, you *can* have mind-blowing, screaming, all-over-the-house sex with just one person, if you like. I speak from experience.

    4. Casey says:

      I somewhat agree, although I don't believe in having one night stands or random hook-ups (anymore) I do usually sleep with a guy early on in the relationship. I've only ever slept with someone that I didn't really know twice. Once was a huge mistake (huge, like biggest mistake of my life because the guy turned out to be 1. a creeper 2. the biggest loser i've ever met. and 3. gay (literally)I feel sick just thinking about it, but that's my fault for not getting to know him first) the other guy is my current boyfriend and the most amazing guy I have ever met. We hooked up after about a week and a half of knowing each other and neither of us expected to start dating but the more we got to know each other the harder we fell for each other (not to mention we have the most amazing mind blowing sex ever! every time!) But I think as long as a girl has the personality to keep the guy around she can have sex early on and have it work out. If she's just a dumb drunk horny slut well then there's no helping that.

    5. niecey says:

      If a guy really likes you, he would still be interested in you even after a one night stand. If all he wanted was p**** or he has a girlfriend or wife, then it simply wasn't meant to be. I had a one night stand and it turned into a healthy and decent two year relationship.Just don't expect too much in the beginning, always use protection and never settle for less is my advice.

    6. Linds says:

      Days I dated before I slept with my three year boyfriend: 0.
      Our relationship began as a sexual fling…and the longer we were with each other the more we were interested in other things. I wasn't looking for a relationship and ended up with someone I don't think I would date; we don't have a whole lot in common and I'm usually drawn to 'bad boys' while he is sweet, patient and really good to me.
      I agree with you. I think if you are genuine and connect with someone in a natural fashion, even if it is just physical, things can still grow it to something greater. And if it doesn't work out at least you got to come together and connect on a physical level (i.e. have some awesome sex- hopefully safe and consequence free). There doesn't need to be desperation or obligation- just honesty and care for self and others.

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