The Morning After WTF: A Drunken Tongue Lashing

Alcohol is one hell of a substance. It tastes sorta gross, costs sorta a lot and makes you do things that you obviously would have decided against sober. More often than not, a night of drinking leaves me with a hangover and a WTF moment that makes me want to crawl under the covers and never come out.

By Donyae

Like that time I let my best friend make his way downtown (if you get what I mean) and my other friends caught us mid sex act.

Yeah, just like that time.

My best friend is a guy who we’re going to call Dean. Once upon a time, actually right when I first started dating my now very ex-boyfriend, Dean accompanied me to a party held by another one of my friends. A casual house affair with lots of liquor because, well, that’s how we do. My new boyfriend at the time decided not to come me with me to the party because he didn’t know anyone that would be there. So Dean came with me because, he’s my best friend…and also because there would be booze.

After way too many shots the party started to die down and the guests stumbled out. I was having difficulty standing, so the party host asked me and Dean to stay over. Dean was slowly fading as well, so we took her up on the offer.

Did I mention that when I’m drunk I get pretty touchy feely? Or that I was pretty pissed off at my boyfriend for not coming? Yeah, still does not excuse what happens next.

So, my friend puts Dean and I in her extra room, which probably wasn’t a good idea. I don’t remember exactly what was said after the door was closed and the lights were off, but the next thing I remember is Ann coming in with a t-shirt for me to sleep in. Dean didn’t notice Ann, because, well, his face was pressed between my thighs and he was otherwise occupied. Her screech alerted everyone else in the house (10 people) who came running.

There are now 12 people shoved in this room watching Dean go to town. Because he still hasn’t noticed. And I’m too shocked to try to inform him, partly because I just don’t know what to say and partly because then there will be 12 people staring at my vay jay jay. Finally, he realizes the lights are on and looks up at our audience.

A lot of awkwardness followed – filled with my friend forcing a third party to sleep in the room with us – before the WTF moment set in. Let’s just say I didn’t wake up the next morning thinking to myself, “Wow, that was a fantastic idea!” But, now, a few years later, Dean and I are still best friends. We just pretend it didn’t happen. In a “I don’t recall that event” sort of way.

So, I guess there is an upside to alcohol; you always have the “I blacked out” excuse at your fingertips.