College Candy

Lots of action movies suck. Sure, some of them are worth their $20 million plus budgets, but most are products of testosterone, half-baked skills, and a complete miscalculation of how stupid the movie-going audience is.

So yes, lots of action movies suck, but every once in a while, there comes along a film so sh*tastic that it makes movies like Swordfish seem like Citizen freaking Kane. The Day After Tomorrow is one of those sh*tastic sh*t fests. In fact, I think The Day After Tomorrow is probably the worst movie that has been made in the last 6 years (and yes, I’m lumping in SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2). Need proof? Here’s a list.

5th Reason This Movie Blows: Lame 2 Syllable Or Less Names

Let’s run through a short cast of characters, shall we? Jack Hall, Sam Hall, Lucy Hall, Jason, Frank, J.D, and Brian. I mean, where’s John Johnson? Bob Smith? Usually, I don’t give a flying eff about character names, but when you have people saying each other’s names every.other.second, the exhaustingly uncreativeness starts to eat away at you.

4th Reason This Movie Blows: Nobody Cares About Their Damn Family (Except the Angelic Hall Family Who Are So Angelic They Might Be Decedents Of Jesus)

So, if you’ve never seen this movie I’m about to ruin it for you…not like there’s much to ruin…but basically, thirty minutes into the film the earth flips out for no reason and sh*t gets majorly destroyed and the top half of the U.S is frozen over. There’s a few people taking refuge in the Manhattan Public library (including Sam Hall [Jake Gyllenhaal acting his ass off to make his character interesting], his love interest, some friends, and a few randoms), and when they realize that most of the nation is destroyed…they’re kind of upset and stuff, but that’s about it.

No one falls onto the ground screaming and crying, no one even sheds a tear. Everyone in the movie is either about to die or has lost most of their family, but the script would have you believe if this ever were to happen in real life – it’d be kind of sad but not sad enough to stop us from making random bad jokes and going on wild adventures for penicillin (more on that below).

3rd Reason This Movie Blows: Wolves.

Now, if I were writing an action movie, the premise of world annihilation would be enough of a Conflict for me. I mean, what other problems are there to be had after the second coming of the Ice Age Which Is Going to Systematically Destroy Everything? But Roland Emmerich and Jeffrey Nachmanoff are crazy guys. Floods that turn into freezing snow and ice aren’t enough for them. Nope. They need wolves. Four of them, to be exact.

After Jake G’s love interest gets random blood poisoning (who cares what her name is. Her part is so unsubstantial and one-dimensional a robotic mannequin could do it), Jake and his three friends decide to jump aboard a moored ocean liner and find the penicillin she so desperately needs. After finding the exact bottle they require (which must be a magic bottle because the contents aren’t frozen), they try to get back to the library but can’t because – holy cow! There were wolves on that boat and they’re pissed and want to EAT people!

Let this be a lesson to us all. The end of the world is NOT the worst thing that could happen to you. Pissed off wolves are.

2nd Reason This Movie Blows: Women Don’t Do Sh*t

Maybe it was just because I was watching this film on a bus and doing my best not to barf all over the place, but the blatant disregard for women in this movie made me want to wring someone’s neck – preferably all the people who were like, “hot damn! This script is tight! Women ARE boring! Let’s MAKE THIS FILM.”

The only two female characters worth noting are Jake’s love interest and Jake’s mom. But here’s the thing – these chicks don’t do anything. Sure, one kind of helps some lady out of car and another decides to stay at a ruined hospital because no one will take her cute cancer-ridden patient to safety, but in terms of the storyline, both of these choices are stupid and counter-intuitive. The women sit in one place, bat their big eyes, and wait for the men to save the day.

Let me tell you, if the world is ending and wolves are trying to eat people and sh*t sucks all around, I’m doing a lot more than sitting and waiting for some dude to tell me what to do. For starters, I’m getting myself the f*ck out of the danger zone.

And, the 1st Reason This Movie Blows: The Dialogue.

There’s only so many ways to say horse sh*t, so here are some random excerpts that I’m sure will prove my point.

(In Which Clichés Abound)

Father Who Saves The Day: I just saw that Sam got an F in calculus.

Harried Mother Who’s Annoying: I’m aware, Jack. I get a copy of his report card too.

FWSTD: Sam is a straight-A student. He doesn’t fail classes.

HMWA: I don’t have time to talk about this now.

FWSTD: Well, maybe you ought to make time.

HMWA: Excuse me, I’m not the one who’s away for months and months at a time.

(In Which The VP of the USA is a Douche For No Reason)

FWSTD: …with an average temperature close to that of the last Ice Age.

Some Gov. Guy: Well, what can we do about this?

FWSTD: Head as far south as possible.

Craggily Vice President: That is not amusing, professor.

FWSTD: …Texas. Parts of Florida that aren’t flooded. Mexico would be best.

Craggily VP: Mexico? Maybe you should stick to science and leave policy to us.

(In Which The Jokes Suck Hard)

Who Cares: Friedrich Nietzsche? We can’t burn Nietzsche.

He was the most important thinker of the 20th century.

Who Cares #2: Please. He was a chauvinist pig in love with his sister.

Who Cares: He was not a chauvinist pig.

Who Cares #2: But he was in love with his sister.

Who Cares #3: Excuse me? You guys? Yeah, there’s a whole section on tax law down here that we can burn.

So there you have it. The Top 5 Reasons The Day After Tomorrow is an assault and an insult to our minds, bodies, and souls.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.