Virginity: A Guy’s Biggest Fear

556.jpgI was a bit late when it came to losing my V-Card. Almost every one of my friends handed that thing in long (and I mean looong) before me. It wasn’t that I was waiting for loooooove, or saving myself for marriage; it was just that I had never had a boyfriend and wasn’t ready to give it up to some rando from a frat party.

I wasn’t all loud-and-proud about my virgin status and I wasn’t ashamed. I just was.

When I finally did find myself in a good relationship I decided it was time to wipe the cobwebs off the V-Card and hand that sh*t in. Ok, so maybe I didn’t treat the situation with such ease, but I did finally feel comfortable enough with someone to take the naked plunge.

I thought it was best to tell the guy straight up. I really wanted to be honest with him so he knew where I was coming from…and why it was so damn painful. So, when he began to initiate sex a little while into our relationship I laid it all on the table.

“I just want you to know that I have never been in a real relationship before.” I began.

He looked bored.

“And because I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I have also never had sex before. But I want to have sex with you.”

He stared at me…blankly.

“Ooooook, but I don’t want you getting all attached.”

Yeah. He actually said that. At first I was angry – I mean, seriously? That is all he could come up with to say? Not, “Ok, I will go slow,” or, “I can’t believe you – so hot, sexy and awesome – have never been in a relationship before!” But, no – all he could say was, “Don’t get all annoying on me.”

And what makes him think that the physical act of sex – putting the P in the V – is going to change the way I feel about him? I am not some weepy girl. I am not going to expect a ring on my finger just cuz we got frisky in the bed (and on the kitchen table). Our relationship was not going to be any different the next morning, beyond the obvious post-sex glow/giant breakfast.

But then I realized something: maybe his reaction isn’t really his fault? I know this boy – well – and I know he is not some insensitive prick. I mean, yes, he was a total jerkwad, but guys have always been shown/told/taught that sex changes everything for a woman. That sleeping with someone takes things to another level. And taking someone’s virginity (especially when they are so much older than “normal”) only means more emotional attachment.

He wasn’t trying to be a scumbag – he really just didn’t understand.

Guys are totally afraid of virgins. They really think that all girls are waiting for love to hop into bed and are planning the wedding/house in the suburbs/2.5 kids after the first night of passion. And we all know that is not true. I am sure there are some girls out there that do want those things (I do….eventually), but there are also plenty of girls who just want trust and comfort in their first partner. Maybe girls wouldn’t place so much emphasis on it if guys weren’t always making such a big deal.

Having a V-Card isn’t always such a big deal to a girl; why does it have to mean so much to a guy?



  1. Colleen says:

    I completely agree with you about how guys are with this… I have had long relationships before (by high school standards anyway) and just wasn't personally ready to have sex yet. Then when I was finally ready this year and I told the guy, he freaked out and went on about how he didn't want to corrupt me or get me too attached! I definitely wasn't expecting him to be "the one" or anything, I just genuinely liked and trusted him to be my first. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't have even told him of my v-status in the first place..

  2. GiGi says:


    When i lost my virginity it the exact oppisite!Yet i lost it at the "normal"

    I was th virgin who wanted no hidden agenda sex.

    He was the "expirenced" who was wanted the happily after.( He asked me to marry him after we had sex.)

    When I told him 5 months into our on and off affiar. He really didnt believe me. He'd ask me about 4-5 times in our converstation. I kept telling him. Got mad, was called a "liar" and was kicked out of his house. Till this day he still askes me about it.

  3. Cali says:

    I have no idea! And I completely agree with you. I am standing on the edge of past "normal" for losing my V-card but same with you I've never had a serious relationship and I dont wanna lose it to some random hookup!

    The thing is that my college friends seem to have more of a problem with it then I do and I am finding it kinda annoying such as when we play ten fingers. They get more awkward about the game then I do. I'm not ashamed, I'm not waiting for marriage, I just haven't found someone I'm comfortable with.

  4. JJ says:

    I'm 19 and still a virgin, and honestly don't really care. I actually take pride in it (might sound weird?), why? because I'm waiting for someone whom I completely trust and I feel comfortable with and who feels comfortable with me as well. I do want to get married eventually, and honestly I'd love to have sex for the first time with my 'husband' but who knows what will happen?

  5. Kari - Florida State says:

    I wisssssh I had had the same attitude as you ladies. One of my best friends is still a card carrying virgin. Does she brag about it? Nope. Feel awkward? Nope. She just rests assured with the fact that when she does finally have sex, it will be a mature and responsible decision that she's proud to have made. I wish I could say the same for myself, instead of having succumbed to what I thought was "the right thing" when I was…let's just say way too young.

  6. Alissa says:

    I was barely 19 when I lost it, and the guy that I was in a (very confusing) relationship with had no idea I was still a virgin. He treated it like it was no big deal and to this day I regret not telling him it was my first time.

  7. Steph says:

    I was raped as a kid, but I still considered myself a virgin because, in my mind, it was something that I had to decide. When I finally did trade in the card, it was too a douchebag I was dating that didn't care. And you know what? I'm totally fine with that. No he-was-special bullshit and no baggage. Now I have a boyfriend I love, who gave his virginity to me, and who really means something to me. Also, I felt like I was able to make him really comfortable that first time, because I know what I would have prefered my first time.

  8. sara says:

    I lost mine at 17, which was really late compared to all my friends and classmates. But it was the same situation- I had never had a serious relationship and didn't want to hook-up randomly at a party. If you explain that situation to a guy, most of them are cool with it and more understanding, because it doesn't make you seem unreasonable or prudish.

  9. jes says:

    So I guess…

    P.S. – Girls are afraid of virgins too.

  10. kiki says:

    Virginity is just an overrated social idea. Virgin means inexperienced, & that's all.

  11. jes says:

    Ohhhhkay.. I feel like the odd-man-out here in this v-card pity party… but let me lay down some personal experience of my own.

    I was also raped when I was 14, so yeah I’ve had quite a few sexual parters, and I’ve been quite un-attached about the whole sex/emotions thing. Howver, I have been with my current boyfriend for several years now, so lets not go the “you’re just a slut” route, because thats not true either. (Although, its kind of funny that he got around quite a bit before too, so I suppose we have great sex. lol)

    However, maybe its because I WAS raped that I’ve never realized the emotion that comes with the whole v-card thing, but it is a true statement that people who ARE emotionally attached to losing their virginity DO get all weird on you, (note: i said “who are,” not everyone is!)that is, if you aren’t serious about them in the first place. (If you are with someone who plans on keeping you around, they wont care if you get all “weird” on them, obviously)

    I’ve taken 2 guys virginities in the past, and even personally uttered the phrase “Are you suuure? Because I dont want you to get all weird and attached on me..”

    And of course, they said all the saaaame stuff I’m hearing here. “Its not a big deal, I’m not waiting for the love of my life etc etc..”

    ….And guess what? 4 or 5 years later and I have TWO guys who went from being totally cool laid back friends, to guys who suddenly “fell in love” with me after that, and now claim that I broke their hearts, etcetera, and I SO regret ever sleeping with them in the first place.

    They went psycho, in terms of becoming disturbingly attached and needy, and I’ve seen lots of girls do the same thing. Not that it’s wrong, persay, I think sex should never be just for kicks, but thats what its turned into I suppose, and thats the way the cards fell for me, soo…

    But when you havent HAD that experience, you honestly dont know if you’re going to get emotionally attached to that person, and its highly likely you will feel very intimate with them for a long time.

    So, I’m just saying… This does happen, and its not only to girls. I regret that I never got to experience the closeness of losing my virginity to someone special, but I suppose now that I’m much older, its really not a big deal…

    I just wish girls would quit whining about it (*ahem) and be thankful that they even still have that option of giving theirs away.. Geez.

  12. Casey says:

    Jes, I totally feel you, I was raped when I was 13 and have had not a lot of partners since then but I kinda felt like since it was taken from me I might as well do it anyways. I had every intention of waiting for marriage until that happened. But now I'm actually kind of thankful that I was rapped (sounds weird) but I'm just glad I nevr had to deal with the stress of "loosing my v-card" or who I was going to give it too. It was taken so it took that hard decision away for me. If that event hadn't happened I have no idea who I would be today.

    But I have a boyfriend now who I am completely in love with and who's made me realize sex can be an emotional thing and my views on sleeping around have definitely changed.

  13. Ariana says:

    I completely agree that its really the society that creates the idea that women freak out after having lost their virginity. Or that they are sluts for enjoying sex in its various forms. [irks me to noooo end!]

    i just lost my virginity this year to a boy that i am very much in love with. and i remember that i had heard all the stories about girls who flipped or felt awful or got completely clingy after their first time. i woke up the next morning[after we had had sex] and to my great surprise i pretty much felt the same. closer to my boyfriend yes, but certainly not awful or damaged. i think circumstance is much more important than most people realize.

    its also all about what sex means to you. if virginity is a huge big important deal to a person than ya their reaction will be more significant. it is completely dependent on the person.

  14. jes says:

    Yeah, Casey, I totally feel you there. I am the exact same way…

    It was a, well "What the hell?" I've already lost it, and raped at that! So who cares now?" kinda thing. But I do agree. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, we dated for a while 5 years ago and had a hiatus, but sex definitely takes on meaning with him! Its nice :)

    I agree with Ariana also, its all about the situation- that person's personality and the kind of relationship they have with the other person.

  15. Kelsey says:

    Ugh. Yes. This was seriously my biggest frustration for a long time — at 21, I was still a virgin, not because it "meant something" but because I had never dated and therefore never had the opportunity. And I was dreading the first time I did have a chance, because I knew it would probably be casual… but that the guy would probably be afraid to sleep with me because he'd think I'd get attached.

    I'm really glad I solved this problem with a drunken two-night-stand a few months ago. Although I still worry the "haven't dated, have sexed" will raise red flags.

  16. Lola B says:

    I didn't lose my virginity until I was 24. The handful of reeeeal charmers and gentlemen (sarcasm) who'd tried to cash in my v-card for me before then always said the same thing. They all said that "Once you start, I'll bet you just won't be able to get enough of it."

    Ugh. Men.

    Because YOUR penis will magically unlock my sexuality and turn me into a nympho/clingy sex-addict.

  17. Kalyn says:

    Please tell me you didn't sleep with that jerk off….you deserve so much better! Don't ever let someone make you settle for less! Find someone who appreciates you and takes your feelings into account.

  18. Nise says:

    I am so glad I came across this! I am 19 and a virgin and people get freaked out about it. I honestly thought I was alone because I am the last virgin out of my friends so I was just sick of it and ready to just get it over with. I hate playing i never cuz it's so annoying when I get stupid responses. Like last time I played this girl told me 'What's wrong with you?! What planet are you from? I gave my first BJ at 13!' Okay that's nice for you but I never dated and also don't talk to guys unless they're like my buddy. I'm not saving myself for marriage or that prince on the white horse that'll lay me on a bed of roses surrounded by candles. And I've gotten the whole 'I can't d o that to you once you get this you'll get addicted' bull. I didn't even want him! Yeah the guy said that but didn't stop him from forcing himself on me cuz it seems a lot of guys have some weird love/hate thing with virgins. They feel all special and honored but are afraid you'll be expecting a ring right after they're finished.

  19. Random Guy says:

    I'm a guy and I'm more worried about the girl not being a virgin. I don't want sloppy seconds or girls that are quick to give it up

    But that's just me.

  20. Vita says:

    It bothers me that there's an acceptance that 19 is 'late.' The idea that I will someday have children who feel behind in social development because they haven't had sex before them disturbs me. I was fine being a "virgin" up until I felt comfortable enough because I never felt my more experienced peers had more mature relationships by virtue of having sex. It goes to show that children are not allowed to be children when a commenter suggested she was late in her group of friends for losing her virginity at 17. I'm glad you were all able to wait until you felt ready.

    I hope by the time the next generation comes about we've done away with the antiquated chauvinist concept of virginity. It's all about commodifying women.

  21. gregory says:

    i want information and meet

  22. Manda says:

    I lost my virginity to a guy who I was just attracted to, but not dating. In retrospect, it was probably a result of "Now what?" and the fact that I was the last of my friends to have sex.

    My friends who lost theirs with boys they dated almost all regret it because they got it in their minds he was "special" and then he didn't live up to that ideal. They all look back on it like it was a failure. "I can't believe I lost my virginity to him! What was I thinking?" And on like that.

    I dunno, maybe it's just me, but I'm kind of happy I didn't loose mine in a relationship. Then I'd feel a weird amount of pressure to make the relationship work, or its end would be a little more painful. I look back on losing my virginity as something I just did, a sort-of fun life experience that just happened. No baggage. No feelings of regret. I had sex because I wanted to have sex. He knew what he was doing enough to make me comfortable and I enjoyed it.

    But for some reason, people don't get that. My close friends got that it was just me, something that I would do. One of my best ones just laughed and said, "Oh, I love your life." The weird part was that people who were peripherally my friends would ask, "And you're okay with that?" Um, yeah. I wouldn't look so happy if I wasn't.

    People need to stop looking at virginity as some big deal, or that it only matters to girls. If she says it doesn't matter, then it probably doesn't (or even if it does, she's probably proud enough not to "annoy" you anyway).

  23. John Marco says:

    "Having a V-Card isn’t always such a big deal to a girl; why does it have to mean so much to a guy?"

    I think its more about not feeling inadequate. Im 21 and a not so "Proud" holder of the V-card. Its not exactly a problem, its just when i'm with girls who i'd like to be in a relationship with who I know have handed the card in a while ago i feel inadequate. Its not some macho trip like most people think it is. Who likes feeling insecure?

  24. gregory dykes says:

    i want to meet you

  25. What says:

    I'm with you on that one John.

  26. kelly says:

    I just turned 20 and am still a virgin and love that you're all so proud of it =) While sometimes I wish I wasn't, its simply because I'm a pretty horny girl, but I don't want to sleep with random guys and thats the only reason I haven't had sex yet. When I meet someone I'm comfortable with and want to have sex with than it'll be great but until then I'm perfectly happy. People who get weirded out by that probably didn't have good experiences themselves.

  27. Johnathan-Wataru says:

    I'm a man of empathy, and I got to see, it's unique to find other people of empathy. Empathy, to say, put yourself in the others shoe.

    I know it's painful, and I always assure them "If it's painful, or you don't want to, tell me (silently I wish to say, I can probably find sex elsewhere, BUT that is not the statement I like to share, for obvious reasons)."

    Infact, I myself never enjoy it because of this, but I know for the second or third time, it's got to be enjoyable, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. I seriously don't knwo all this cheery "Oh god yes it's tight" I'm more like "Oh god yes no rubber!"

  28. Moon says:

    I am a freshman in college 19 in November-and I'm still a virgin. Not only am I still a virgin, but I've never kissed a boy before or been on a date.I'm not ugly my all means. I mean people tell like every day I'm attractive and guys won't leave me alone. I guess I'm a little shy at times. I also, ended up attending a huge university known for its wild parties. Although, I live in a very quiet area of campus people there,including my roommate, love to drink and smoke. I've also never drank alcohol before and feel really isolated. I can't really join in conversation b/c I've never had a boyfriend,had sex, or drank before (or smoked for that matter). I'm in the marching band and other programs on campus and have other friends from my high school but they live like a twenty minute walk away. I wonder if anyone else has this problem. (Prob. not)

  29. L says:

    I lost it at 22, and while I didn't think of it as a big deal before, afterwards it did make me more attached and easier to disappoint. But in my case I had tried once where it hurt too much, made him wait and did it about 2 months later. The problem was HE went on about knowing it was important for me, and being nice about it…and then he slept with someone else a week later. If it hadn't turned out like that I'm sure I would have felt much better about it, or not felt much of any feeling about it.

  30. Cassie says:


    I am kinda-ish in the same position as you.

    But I tried to take in too many experiences before arriving at my school. I ended up smoking with my coworkers (it really did nothing for me), and randomly hooking-up with this guy (who also goes here) after drinking WAY too much.

    Believe me, I really wish I hadn't done all of that and just waited, but I made stupid lapses in judgment instead.

    In the end now, it makes me feel like less of a positive member of the band and whatnot (I play flute at my school) and I feel as though it would be shameful to have others know exactly what I have done now.

    So please don't try and get dragged along with the crowd. It's not worth it at all. And there ARE others on campus in the same position too, you just need to find them in the right places…

  31. Jes says:

    That's weird because I've met very few guys who are scared of virgins, actually the majority of guys I know seem genuinely intrigued.

  32. not Jen says:

    It was a BIG deal to me. I was waiting for marriage. But then I was in a relationship that looked like it had long term potential, and in love, and I wanted to. So I did. And then we broke up. And while I now expect to have sex be part of my long term relationships, I do not want it outside of that and still want marriage soon, G-d willing.

    I was, and still am, 19.

    (A part of me is proud of loosing it while still a teenager.) Also, most of my friends are still virgins, and he was at 21.

  33. K says:

    If you are a virgin and you are passed "normal age" range for it, dont feel bad at all. Please cherish it. I'm 23 years old and I just lost my virginity maybe 2 weeks ago. I wish I wouldve waited longer. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of 4years and we were saving ourselves for eachother, well i was the virgin he just decided not to have sex with no one but me when it was time..I ended up losing my virginity to a friend that i known only for a a few months and now he treats me like I dont even exist..i'm usually not the mushy type but I wanted a relationship with him but the way he treat me i never mentioed it to him..i did tell him that I like him and that idont like the way hes treating me..i told him i was a virgin afterwards..didnt change his attitude towards me..hold on to your virginity as long as you could because its suppose to be special but i missed out on the biggest moment of my life..crying as i write this..i couldnt feel any lower..

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