So the other day I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to have a little date with a speculum. That’s right, ladies! A gyno appointment! Vajayjay invasion before most people were sitting in their cubicles! Nothing says good morning like lubed-up metal and poking fingers.
The only thing that was worse than realizing some lady in pink scrubs got more intimate with me than a dude has in months was realizing just how many months it’s been — and having to say it out loud. See, for us single gals, going for your annual pap is a big, giant reminder of your past transgressions…or lack thereof. Have you slept with too many losers? Haven’t slept with anyone since the last full moon? Were you so drunk you can’t really remember if you used a condom or not? And how about your pubes…when was the last time you shaved or waxed?
I mean, all of those questions and more are answered when a girl goes to the gyno, and the answers aren’t always awesome. For instance, I realized I’ve been without sexy time for enough months to basically compile a year, and when the doc asked me when me last sexual encounter was, I let out this weird half-laugh, half-moan and cut my celibacy in half. I was embarrassed to tell my gynecologist about my empty sex life! Who am I?
Even though going through the gyno’s checklist can be embarrassing and eye-opening in the worst way, I suppose it’s important and necessary. I also suppose laughing about using condoms because you haven’t slept with anyone recently is better than crying because you have slept with people…and didn’t use them. And, I mean, if there’s anyone we need to be truly honest with, it’s our gyno, because they’re trained to answer these questions and there’s nothing in your vadge they haven’t seen before.
Okay, so next time, I won’t cut the time I’ve had sex in half. Hopefully, I won’t have to…but no matter what the case may be, being straight with your doc is the only way to keep yourself healthy and safe. It can be embarrassing, but after reading this article, hopefully you can rest assured that you’re not the only one who dreads answering the questions, has a hard time “relaxing” when that metal torture device goes where no metal device should go, and sprinkles a little baby powder before the visit…just to make things a little…fresher.
What? That last one is just me?