Dump Me, Eh? I’ll Sue Your Ass!

A recent article in the Gainesville Times discussed a woman who sued her fiancé for dumping her after she’d left her high paying human resources job and moved to a different city to be with him. And she won! The ex-fiancé received $150,000 for financial and emotional suffering.

At first, I was like, “WTF!, How ridiculous to bring your wounded heart and unsuccessful marriage into legal matters!” But, then I realized that maybe she had a point. I mean, an engagement is sort of a contract, or at least a promise of a long term commitment. And why shouldn’t this woman be repaid for her lost wages and emotional distress.

In fact, why can’t everyone receive that luxury? So, I got to thinking; what would I sue my ex for if I could? And this is what I came up with:

Dear Ex-boyfriend (who, shall remain nameless),

In seeing how you dumped me and shattered my heart into a million little pieces, I am taking you to court and suing you for the following:

- The plane tickets for our vacation, two summers in a row

- The countless pharmacy visits with my insurance to get you medicine when you were sick

- The countless pharamcy visits to pick up the birth control that kept you from being a daddy

- Cleaning up your mess after you got drunk, pissed all over your room and, eh hem, me, and then had no recollection of it in the morning

- Your parents’ anniversary presents that I never got reimbursed for

- My respect after you cheated on me for four months, not to mention the fights, the yelling, oh, and the time you spit beer in my face

- The years of acrylic nails I had to put on as a distraction from biting my nails from your stress

For the damage, I could like, in return for my financial and emotional suffering:

- A big fat check for $50,000

Oh, and your balls in a jar.

Case closed!

[Photo courtesy of the State of Ohio]