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“Laying Pipe” And Other Unappealing Euphemisms For Sex

r176548_672575.jpgA male friend and I were having a conversation about a mutual friend and his new relationship. Nothing too crazy, or out of the ordinary, until my friend said this:

“…Yeah and he went over to her house and laid some serious pipe.”

I gasped. I’m no prude. I don’t usually sigh and clutch my chest at the thought of people dropping sex-bombs, but there are some euphemisms for sex that seriously turn me off. Here’s the top 5.

5: Doing The Nasty

Religion, our parents, and old-school sex ed videos did a great job drilling some hard-core shame into our psyches regarding sex. The last thing I need to think about before I do the deed is how what I’m doing is often described as nasty. Nasty is word reserved for boogers, vomit, blood or a combination of the three.

4: Anything Related To Deli Meats

I get it; I get it. A penis looks a lot like a sausage. That’s not something that warrants hundreds of euphemisms though is it? When I hear unfortunate phrases like “porking,” “hide the salami,” or “parking the beef bus in tuna town,” I want to make myself a sandwich, not have sex with you.

3: Diddled

If my grandmother wasn’t worried about being smited for talking about sex, she’d probably describe the act using this odd little word.

2: Bumping Uglies

Now this insults the both of us. I will admit, male and female sex organs aren’t exactly gorgeous but they get the job done. Describing them as “uglies” debases not only the the human body, but sex itself. Bumping sounds accidental, casual and with little skill. Those words don’t exactly scream “romance” to me.

And my top pick, just in time for the Olympic Games:

Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador

Wow. I wish I could say I made that up, but there are 15 more Olympic themed euphemisms where that came from. You’re welcome.

Any phrases turn you off? And how will it take for a $5 Foot-long reference to work its way into the cultural vernacular?

[Photo: Abc.net.au]

    Comments

    Comments

    1. ela says:

      i hate the 'tuna' ref….wtf? never has…never will smell like tuna…thanks.

    2. michael says:

      "park the beef bus in tuna town"

      LOL please tell me you have never actually heard it, and you have only read about it in books. Because i can't believe anyone would say that.

    3. J - NYU says:

      beef bus and tuna town is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever, EVER heard.

    4. Lauren, University o says:

      It's not sex, but when guys refer to lady parts as a beef curtain…EW

    5. Casey says:

      I hate when guys say "I have a chubby" or "fatty" when they get an erection. I'm sorry but the idea of FAT does not turn me on in the slightest!

    6. Alissa says:

      I would love it if people started saying things like "I gave her a taste of my $5 foot-long" Hahahah

    7. Heather says:

      yeah, whatever happened to fuck. it will always be my classic. but hm.. i think when a guy uses the term meat curtains its only towards the vaginas which are unattractive… and you get the visual picture as to what the term would be used for… this just comes from the guys i am with though. if you have all heard it used indiscriminately towards both attractive and unattractive vaginas, maybe its just used that way outside of new jersey?

    8. ela says:

      um has anyone ever taken a whiff of an uncircumcised peen…they can smell worse than your poon on a sweaty day. so what should i call it then… a freakin moldy hooded kilobasa?

    9. Stephanie says:

      LMAO @ beef bus in tuna town..

      & “I gave her a taste of my $5 foot-long”

      and wth your "poon on a sweaty day"?…only if you shower once a week…and are like friggin obese.. sorry i can't cosign on that one.

    10. Debra says:

      "Doing the nasty" doesn't bother me that much- because sex can be kind of messy. Its not that far-fetched. But tuna town? Like someone else said, it doesn't smell or taste like tuna and never will.

      "Bumping uglies" I hate. It was a super popular term when I was in high school, but all it is to me now is an ugly pairing of words. The human body, though generally imperfect, is not ugly.

    11. Myra says:

      ela uncut doesnt smell unless he hasnt showered for weeks. people should really stop stereotyping.

    12. Kathryn S says:

      In the Bloodhound Gang song, "The Lapdance is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying," they use the phrase "park the beef bus in tuna town."

      And every time I hear it, I throw up in my mouth a little.

    13. what says:

      Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway huh?

    14. Johnathan says:

      I need to admit, I agree with #4, if anyone ever told me that, I'd be like "shoot are you hiding a sandwich in your fridge?"

      But no, at subways I am tempted, when I heard the deal of "5 dollar foot long" I was like "Yeah, and mine is free"

    15. Johnathan says:

      No, I'm not a foot long by the way, I wish I was though.

    16. McKenzi says:

      My friend Scott always uses the phrase "Getting his D wet."

    17. Bret says:

      I always like what Burgess merideth said in "dirty old men' lokks like he's taking the skin boat to tuna town

    18. Bitoleluck says:

      "AMERICA THE NASTY….THE PURITANICAL LIAR……the " Tch, Tch, Tch!", the MOST UNDEREDUCATED POPULACE ON THIS SEXUAL EARTH…."ON-THE-JOB-TRAINING ONLY; UNDERMANNED & UNDERWOMANED; FATHER, MOTHER, SISTER, DAUGHTER, GIRLFRIEND, SON AND OPEN-GAME RAPERS- IS THE USA; THE SHAMED, GUILT RIDDEN WHORE MONGERERS! Did I leave anything out? Oh, Yes…Zip communication concerning the Fruits of Sodom & Gomorah . International women and men speak freely about Intercourse. OOPS, Sorry! IT SLIPPED OUT!

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