“Laying Pipe” And Other Unappealing Euphemisms For Sex

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r176548_672575.jpgA male friend and I were having a conversation about a mutual friend and his new relationship. Nothing too crazy, or out of the ordinary, until my friend said this:

“…Yeah and he went over to her house and laid some serious pipe.”

I gasped. I’m no prude. I don’t usually sigh and clutch my chest at the thought of people dropping sex-bombs, but there are some euphemisms for sex that seriously turn me off. Here’s the top 5.

5: Doing The Nasty

Religion, our parents, and old-school sex ed videos did a great job drilling some hard-core shame into our psyches regarding sex. The last thing I need to think about before I do the deed is how what I’m doing is often described as nasty. Nasty is word reserved for boogers, vomit, blood or a combination of the three.

4: Anything Related To Deli Meats

I get it; I get it. A penis looks a lot like a sausage. That’s not something that warrants hundreds of euphemisms though is it? When I hear unfortunate phrases like “porking,” “hide the salami,” or “parking the beef bus in tuna town,” I want to make myself a sandwich, not have sex with you.

3: Diddled

If my grandmother wasn’t worried about being smited for talking about sex, she’d probably describe the act using this odd little word.

2: Bumping Uglies

Now this insults the both of us. I will admit, male and female sex organs aren’t exactly gorgeous but they get the job done. Describing them as “uglies” debases not only the the human body, but sex itself. Bumping sounds accidental, casual and with little skill. Those words don’t exactly scream “romance” to me.

And my top pick, just in time for the Olympic Games:

Earning a 10.0 from the Judge from Ejacuador

Wow. I wish I could say I made that up, but there are 15 more Olympic themed euphemisms where that came from. You’re welcome.

Any phrases turn you off? And how will it take for a $5 Foot-long reference to work its way into the cultural vernacular?

[Photo: Abc.net.au]

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