Hello, Young Voters — 5 Ways To Motivate The Immovable

5. Put YouTube terminals in the voting booths

You wanna know something? Us college kids are really just big magnets. If you open a dumb video of an overweight thirteen year-old kid singing a pop song from the Falkland Islands, every single student within a mile will be chuckling over your shoulder within fifteen seconds.

If our presidential candidates really want to get the 18-24 crowd out and voting, they should start making films of themselves running drunk and naked across the interstate. Right now, candidates are mostly remembered for being a bunch of lumpy old guys who still haven’t lowered the drinking age. They can do so much better: the McCain/Romney version of “Daft Bodies”, for example, would totally steal the election. I’d vote for them.

4. “Reframe the debate”

This year, the American people are concerned with economic something and whatever with foreclosure blah blah drilling offshore and climate change, very important to something Iraq timetable mumble mumble. Man! The issues are tiring! I need a nap!

So it’s not surprising that college students don’t get out to rep their favorite pols. All they talk about is boring crap that sucks! You know what college kids like? Movies. It’s what we care about. “Iraq” is far away and hard to pronounce properly. All those cutthroat late-night debates need to be centered around the real questions — the tough questions, the ones that will get students waving big posters and burning their underwear.

“I understand that Christian Bale’s a great Batman, Senator Obama, but what’s up with that police run-in? In light of his creepy bevhavior, have you reconsidered your recent “pro-shirtless Bale” position?” “Senator McCain, what’s your stance on Pierce Brosnan singing ABBA? Awful enough to be funny, or just awful enough to suck?” “If elected, what measures do the candidates plan to take to ensure that George Lucas doesn’t ruin another franchise, ever?”

3. Hand out textbook vouchers at the polling place

College students aren’t always very driven people, but damn, we will go through lengths to save money on textbooks. A quick trip down the street and a bit of decision-making is nothing if we can score a discount on that $400 Statistics set that comes with two hardcover books, a study guide we’ll never open, a Miley Cyrus DVD and a custom Yorkshire Terrier, all of which are required. Hell, you can probably put some barbed wire and a few pungee pits on the way, too; we’ll still make the trek. We already try to save money by going through crazy, only semi-English speaking online vendors that may sell you your textbook and may simply sell you a bomb with AIDS.

2. Create a voting drinking game.

What’s voting, anyway? A waste of expensive gas and time better spent surfing Wikipedia. There needs to be an incentive! Of course, polling places could always just put Keystone on tap, but even then, so what? Drunk with a bunch of creaky old people? And they probably won’t let you set up a pong table; some of those voting booths are kinda small.

But think along simpler, more portable lines — like a movie drinking game, you know, “drink every time Garden State sucks and you hate it” or whatever. Start with simple stuff, like “drink every time a chad gets dimpled”. “Drink every time they have to kick someone’s cute little kid out of the voting booth”. Watch out for the splashier events: “drink twice every time someone’s voter registration is screwed up and they get accused of being an illegal immigrant from Turkemenistan” Or “chug every time you’re voting in Florida — it’ll probably improve things overall”.

Of course, when everyone staggers to the TV the next morning, fuzzy and hung over, you discover that somehow “my nuts” has become the next leader of the free world, by write-in vote. Democracy! All right!

1. Have an inspirational, intelligent, charismatic and refreshing candidate on the ballot

I know, it’s a long shot, but just imagine it: millions of Americans rushing out of their homes, lining up to see one man — a candidate who offers something new, something great, who offers a friendly, feel-good kind of politics but still stands firm on principle. A candidate whom you wouldn’t mind having a beer with but whom you also wouldn’t mind trying to balance the national budget. A candidate who probably won’t need triple bypass surgery during his presidency and a candidate who has a charming smile. A candidate you’d want to vote for, and then you’d want to hug.

Yes, it’d be a beautiful thing, wouldn’t it? Masses of bright-eyed youngsters, driven by a new-found political passion like nothing before. Perhaps a false hope, but maybe one day… hey, wait a minute!

Biased? Me? Never! But seriously, get out and vote this election season! Vote for someone you care about, whoever that may be! And don’t drink and vote, folks. Practice responsible democracy.