My Breakup with Lauren Conrad

Dear LC,

Dear Lauren Conrad,

Hey chica! First of all, I want to say I totally respect you as a person and I think your new cell phone commercial is… not vain and retarded? Anyway, I’m just writing this letter to you because I think we’ve reached a roadblock in our relationship. I think you’re a darling girl and I’d love to remain friends, but unfortunately, we’ve both grown apart as people.

Listen, everything started out great between us. You were fun loving and carefree and your cotton sundresses were so cute and colorful. I really respected your style and how seemingly committed you were to all your girl friends. Things have changed though, haven’t they?

As a new season of The Hills approaches, I feel I need a relationship vacation from you. I won’t stop watching your show, obviously, but I don’t think “we” work together. I will watch because I’ll always respect your Marc Jacobs bags and your ability to turn any fun event into “The Lauren Conrad Drama Hour.”

Here are the reasons that I need this relationship vacation:

1. I never really liked Audrina, her teeth weirded me out and I always just felt like she never brought anything to the table. But, whatever, you liked her, and thus, so did I. However, the instant Audrina started bringing Justin Bobby up, you would just start squinching up her face like you just bit into a lemon and send death glares at Audrina. You even pushed Mrs. J-Bobby out of your sweet little mansion (paid for courtesy of MTV) and into the pool house.

2. I’m not so sure about that black nail polish.

3. Jen Bunney… well, she’s not really a reason, I just wanted to include her on this list to point out what an unnecessary waste of space this chick is. Was she just the token whore?

4. Whitney might not be the brightest Dior dress on the runway, but she’s so sweet. Too bad that you never really chill with her unless it’s for work events or to just bitch about that stupid whore Heidi.

5. Why freak out over Brody Jener? That Gavin dude was so much hotter and way funnier and less gay. Is Brody serious with those bedazzled Ed Hardy shirts? Call up Gavin and then maybe we can re-evaluate.

6. That evil stare you give everyone. Whether it’s directed at Audrina, Lo, Whitney or whatever “friend” you have that week, that look you shoot people when they say something about their boyfriend or an awesome promotion is totally undeniable.

7. High School was Laguna Beach, and I think that’s been off the air for a good five years now.

8. Wait, Lo’s back? See #6

So there it is LC. I mean, Lauren. I hope we can still get Pinkberry sometime. Hopefully you shape up by the upcoming season. When I start thinking that Heidi’s the lesser evil, then I know things are becoming a problem.

Love,

Yours truly,

Sincerely,

Melanie