My Breakup with Lauren Conrad

lauren-conrad-return-la.jpgDear LC,

Dear Lauren Conrad,

Hey chica! First of all, I want to say I totally respect you as a person and I think your new cell phone commercial is… not vain and retarded? Anyway, I’m just writing this letter to you because I think we’ve reached a roadblock in our relationship. I think you’re a darling girl and I’d love to remain friends, but unfortunately, we’ve both grown apart as people.

Listen, everything started out great between us. You were fun loving and carefree and your cotton sundresses were so cute and colorful. I really respected your style and how seemingly committed you were to all your girl friends. Things have changed though, haven’t they?

As a new season of The Hills approaches, I feel I need a relationship vacation from you. I won’t stop watching your show, obviously, but I don’t think “we” work together. I will watch because I’ll always respect your Marc Jacobs bags and your ability to turn any fun event into “The Lauren Conrad Drama Hour.”

Here are the reasons that I need this relationship vacation:

1. I never really liked Audrina, her teeth weirded me out and I always just felt like she never brought anything to the table. But, whatever, you liked her, and thus, so did I. However, the instant Audrina started bringing Justin Bobby up, you would just start squinching up her face like you just bit into a lemon and send death glares at Audrina. You even pushed Mrs. J-Bobby out of your sweet little mansion (paid for courtesy of MTV) and into the pool house.

2. I’m not so sure about that black nail polish.

3. Jen Bunney… well, she’s not really a reason, I just wanted to include her on this list to point out what an unnecessary waste of space this chick is. Was she just the token whore?

4. Whitney might not be the brightest Dior dress on the runway, but she’s so sweet. Too bad that you never really chill with her unless it’s for work events or to just bitch about that stupid whore Heidi.

5. Why freak out over Brody Jener? That Gavin dude was so much hotter and way funnier and less gay. Is Brody serious with those bedazzled Ed Hardy shirts? Call up Gavin and then maybe we can re-evaluate.

6. That evil stare you give everyone. Whether it’s directed at Audrina, Lo, Whitney or whatever “friend” you have that week, that look you shoot people when they say something about their boyfriend or an awesome promotion is totally undeniable.

7. High School was Laguna Beach, and I think that’s been off the air for a good five years now.

8. Wait, Lo’s back? See #6

So there it is LC. I mean, Lauren. I hope we can still get Pinkberry sometime. Hopefully you shape up by the upcoming season. When I start thinking that Heidi’s the lesser evil, then I know things are becoming a problem.

Love,

Yours truly,

Sincerely,

Melanie

7 Comments on "My Breakup with Lauren Conrad"

  1. Kay says:
    Mon, 11th Aug 20085:58 pm 

    What’s reason number 8?

  2. Melanie - Northeastern University says:
    Mon, 11th Aug 20086:06 pm 

    So right, Kay! THANKS. Fixed!

  3. Kay says:
    Tue, 12th Aug 20088:27 am 

    No problem.

  4. Lauren, University of Michigan says:
    Tue, 12th Aug 200810:42 am 

    ugh i agree. she is TOTALLY sucky lately. I mean, she still has great hair, but I am getting really sick of her “You have to do what I say” bs. Get over yourself, LC.

    (Note: I will still be watching. Cuz I am pathetic)

  5. Teryn says:
    Tue, 12th Aug 20083:34 pm 

    Haha, this is TOO funny.

    Oh and I read an interview with Whitney. Apparently she hangs out with Lauren a whole lot more than they show. She just doesn’t want her personal life out there for everyone to see so they only show what goes on with the business side of her. She’s actually a smart girl – I wouldn’t want my whole life on TV. lol

  6. Rebecca says:
    Tue, 12th Aug 20085:06 pm 

    ‘In 2007, Whitney graduated from the University of Southern California (USC) with a degree in gender studies.’ (Wikipedia)

    Surely Whitney can’t be that dumb if she was accepted into and graduated from USC? Maybe she’s just a little slow, but still smart.

  7. Aislinn says:
    Wed, 13th Aug 20089:40 am 

    way to rep NEU! Sorry, I had a random surge of unexplained school pride, promise, it won’t happen again. Sadly, LC and I may be on the outs, but my devotion is that of a sad and hopeful highschool freshman.

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