If These Were Olympic Sports I’d Take the Gold

August 14, 2008     Posted in HaHa

get-that-cake.jpgAs I watched the world’s best athletes compete in the Olympics last night I began to regret never getting involved in sports growing up. At 5’10 I could have dominated the basketball/volleyball courts. I could have used my backyard swimming pool to hone my backstroke. I could have viewed my bike as more than just a means to get to the nearest ice cream shop.

But, just because I don’t know how to dive off of a really high platform or do flips on some uneven bars doesn’t mean that I, too, am not the best at something. I have some talents too, and they should not be shunned just because I can’t bring them to Beijing.

So, I give you the 5 Sports I Would Win a Gold In (If They Were Included In The Olympics):

1. Cake Eating: With or without hands, I would totally take the cake (Ha!) in this event. I have a big mouth (to the chagrin of my mother and the glee of my men) that allows me to store massive quantities of cake and frosting goodness. I also happen to be able to seriously pack food away (which allowed me to excel in another sport: weight gain), so there is no stopping me in this competition.

2. Late Night Stiletto Run: While Michael Phelps was doin’ his thing in the pool, I was dedicating hours to perfecting this skill. I dare anyone to race me to the nearest pizza place in a pair of heels. You can even throw a few hurdles (girl passed out on sidewalk, traffic, or inclement weather) in my way and I will beat out all the competition. Yes, even the Chinese.

3. The Bargain Hunt: I have been practicing this one since I left the womb. Show me an item and I will find it for you cheaper. And I will do it fast.

4. That’s What She Said: I can turn anything into something sexual at a record breaking speed. (That’s what she said.) I don’t care how hard it is (that’s what she said), or how many people are involved (that’s what she said). I like to do it hard and do it fast (that’s what she said).

5. Bullsh*tting: I hate to toot my own horn (that’s what she said), but I am really good at making people think I care/like them/have any interest in what they have to say. My combination head nod, mixed with witty banter have fooled people for years and I have no doubt I would rock it in Beijing (even with the language barrier).

3 Comments on "If These Were Olympic Sports I’d Take the Gold"
  1. Alluv Tyler says:
    Fri, 15th Aug 200812:45 am 

    Lauren, I commend your honesty, but has anyone ever told you that alot of your posts are a bit self indulging? Although they are hilarious at times, some see them as a bit too rugged. Just a thought.

  2. Lauren, University o says:
    Fri, 15th Aug 20084:15 am 

    Alluv Tyler, I appreciate your honesty, but let's be real – If you don't love yourself, who is gonna love you?

  3. Dig says:
    Sat, 16th Aug 20087:12 am 

    lol…about #2, what if we threw a hot boy in your path? would you still win?

    #4. Can you really? turn what i just wrote in2 something zektual!

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