Russia, Stop It; We Aren’t Impressed (And Other Peeps Who Ruined Our Fun)

So who gave Russia permission to be the biggest buzzkill ever?

By John

If you haven’t heard, Russia decided to go wave their giant international schlong around in the Georgian region of South Ossetia last week. And then, since Georgia’s military consists of two tanks and a three-legged dog, they decided to just run all over the damn place – go for the gold, perhaps. Oh, hey, how topical.

Russia, what gives? Were you thinking that everyone was too enthralled with the Olympics to notice? We’re not blind, Russia. We see you over there. Mr. “I’m only the Prime Minister” Putin, wipe that snide smile off your face, you’re not fooling anyone. We are ready for swift, decisive action. It’s not like we’re too busy chumming it up with the women’s volleyball team or anything.

Russia, really, we’re sorry you haven’t had a bona fide invasion in sixty-odd years. We know your country is huge and hard to invade. We know you just want to sit in your snow palaces and chortle heartily as the fascist armies starve to death on the tundra. But could you at least have waited until the world-wide quadrennial moment of community was over? Man, we really had some spirit going on.

Couldn’t the one-sided massacre of civillians in a thinly veiled land grab along with grotesque human rights violations have waited at least until after the BMX competition? Maybe?

Not like anyone’s surprised, of course. Government people have a pretty terrible record of ruining the fun of decent, normal human beings. Let’s have a look back at some of their more belligerent moments:

- The upcoming Democratic convention

I love politics: the back-and-forth verbal fencing, the earnest campaign volunteers with bake sales, the YouTube dance remixes of embarassing gaffes. It’s all so invigorating! And I love huge mobs of people all standing around in the same place — that’s just a fun thing, right? So the Democratic convention should really be a nonstop festival of fun and games.

Except that someone couldn’t keep it in his pants for five minutee, and so now we’ll all have to worry about these domestic issues. Can’t we just have a stress-free convention for once? Last time, it was “damnit! why did we choose such a creepy, bland old man to run for the White House”; now it’s “damnit! I just can’t concentrate on the forces of change that are sweeping the country — I need to know where else Edwards’ dick has been!”

- The 1936 Summer Olympics

These aren’t the only Olympics that stupid jerks have managed to screw up. You know who opened the 1936 Summer Olympics? Adolf Hitler, better known as the worst guy ever. I don’t know who thought it’d be a good idea to invite that cranky douchebag, especially when we had so many awesome people like Jesse Owens showing up (giving racism the “knock-out punch” All right!) Like, can you imagine being there, watching the Olympics on your hand-crank TV, and going “Wait, what? Who? Is that…?” Yeah. I know. It is.

- The Cold War

This is really inexcusable. While most of us were trying to have the Sixties (and Seventies, and Eighties…), a bunch of old guys who like making up acronyms thought it would be funny if we all just trembled in fear of apocalyptic firestorms that would explode out of our toilets. It wasn’t funny, old guys, though I understand how frustrating it must be not to be getting any in the age of Free Love. Big props to the folks at NORAD, though, for keeping tabs on Santa Claus; if only we’d spent the rest of our national defense budget on jolly fat toymakers, maybe we could have played Scrabble with the Viet Cong instead of shooting at them. Oh, well.

- The Dinosaurs

Damnit! Dinosaurs make the worst decisions. You know what I bet? I bet the mass extinction of the coolest creatures ever to tread this earth had nothing to do with a meteor or climate change or volcanic eruptions. I bet the Dinosaur Council of Dinosaurs ended up passing some bill that was like “Hey, let’s all go stop eating food and see what happens”. I bet that’s exactly what they did, because the Dinosaur Council had no foresight, and then they went extinct and now we will never see a Tyrannosaurus Rex in downtown NYC during rush hour. I hate the stupid Dinosaur Council!