I Kind Of, Sort Of, Want to be Gay

August 18, 2008 11:30 am     Posted in Reality, Sex  John - UConn g+ page

gay-couple.jpgI wish I were gay.


By John

Well, no. That’s only a little bit true. That’s actually barely true at all. I don’t want to be saddled with unfair prejudice in the workplace, social and religious spheres, and military. So let me refine that statement a bit.

I wish I could be into dudes.

Not quite the same thing, really. I’ve always been a fan of the Kinsey scale when it comes to human sexuality, since “gay” and “straight” are so painfully restrictive. So let’s just say I wish I could ding my rating up a few points or two.

I’m perfectly happy with women, of course. Ladies, you guys are great, and I mean that. It’s not like I’m not getting enough variety in my sexy diet or anything. And honestly, friendship-wise, I tend to be one of those wimpy boys that has more female than male friends and always gets called “a really nice guy”. So what’s up, man?

Why the thirst for testosterone?

It’s a matter of principle. See, I’ve always believed that gender expression is mostly socialized. Girls get dolls, boys get dump trucks, that sort of thing. Switch them around and little girls would grow up to be seven feet tall with full Thoreau neck beards – no kidding, man. And from a very young age, us dudes have basically been told: “Hey! Check it out! Boobs!“

And so, being the modern enlightened male who totally doesn’t buy any of that biological determinism crap, I suspect that the only reason heterosexuality is such a widespread phenomenon is sheer weight of tradition. Sure, without heterosexual couples the human race would eventually vanish, but you know who has a population problem right now? The planet Earth. Being gay is a pretty decent way to avoid unwanted kids.

So sexuality, like gender, is totally flexible. And if I can get you in a corner, I’ll talk your ear off about it.

But I don’t feel comfortable talking the talk if I can’t walk the walk (alternately, a rather more vulgar phrase that sorta rhymes with “walk”). When straight men get terribly excited over the whole “sexuality is a social construction” thing, it often feels like a flimsy cover for “we want more girls to make out at parties”. Or it’s a nice way to sound erudite and sensitive while still being a pig in practice (“It wasn’t ‘cheating’! Monogamous relationships are a socially defined tool of the patriarchy!”). Without living the sexually-liberated, performative-gender dream, I feel like I’m just some egghead poseur. Like I’m a hack.

So what it’s come down to is this: I feel guilty for being straight. I’m trying, man. I’ve tried gay porn. I’ve tried getting my close male friends in hot tubs and drinking heavily. But I just can’t help it: I have yet to want the penis. Clearly I’m a slimy jerk who’s willing to make up all kinds of pop sociology to get in a girl’s pants, as well as contributing to the global population problem. Is this the new frontier for liberal guilt? Yet another majority to hate yourself for being part of?

Maybe I just need to meet another sensitive, confused, wanna-be guy like me. And maybe he needs to be Harrison Ford. We’ll see how it goes.

10 Comments on "I Kind Of, Sort Of, Want to be Gay"

  1. ryan says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 20087:54 am 

    after reading this article all i can say is: ladies, your dreamboat has docked!! better move quickly to snag this guy. what a catch!!

  2. Lisa says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 20088:11 am 

    Harrison Ford…you even have good taste!

  3. Teresa says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 200812:35 pm 

    Have you ever seen the documentary called “Dr. Money and the Boy with No Penis”? It’s about twin boys who were born, but the circumsion of one was screwed up so badly that his penis was burnt off. Dr. Money convinced the parents to raise that child as a girl, and the other boy as a boy. The kid, however, did NOT want to be a girl, and fought against it even before knowing that she wasn’t born biologically female. Even after having a sex operation to become male, he was depressed, and ended up killing himself.

    So, this incredibly depressing story is just to say that gender expression is more than just social.

  4. Star says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 200811:50 am 

    I have to agree with you from a girl's point of view. I want to stand up for equal rights for everyone. I don't think we should judge who people marry or sleep with. You can marry a tree for all I care if it makes you happy. But I'm not a lesbian, and I feel weird because people assume that I am for standing up for gay rights. And when I tell them I'm not, it kind of defeats the whole point of my argument.

  5. zoe says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 200812:41 pm 

    jeese surely the most important thing is to accept gays for what they are and straight people for what they are too, and for that matter bi people too. so go on and accept yourself for what you are, straight, maybe it doesnt make you feel so special but thats just the way you were made. it seems really strange to me that youd wish to be another way.

  6. Cali says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 20081:40 pm 

    Teresa- I've seen that documentary! Except it's actually his twin brother who commits suicide because he can't deal with the fact he's the only boy anymore or something like that.

    But yea it's true. It proved the fact that biology has something to do with it to. Gender and sexuality is a huge issue and I'm sure it's an undefinable mix of social pressure and biology otherwise wouldn't the primitive animal world also reflect the gender and sexuality issues that humans have?

  7. Heather says:
    Mon, 18th Aug 20082:54 pm 

    i really enjoyed this article. i myself am a full believer in the kiney scale, and author, i think you just may be at the more heterosexual end, though no one is completely one way or the other (or it is very rare). i also am interested in studying how gender roles affect people, and have learned to ignore them in my own life, and do what i want to do. it was jean kilbourne that said if you only embrace "masculine" qualities, or only "feminine qualities," you are only amounting to half of your potential.

  8. Johnathan-Wataru says:
    Fri, 29th Aug 20084:06 pm 

    I agree with you, other then the fact that, the anus and mouth was not MADE to take in your shlong, keep it in the one place it helps produce the right things, babies. Let's not create unneccesary diseases because of your special wantings.

    Coming back to how I agree with you, I'd like to have my hands freely touch any part of a man, and not have a sudden look at me with the countenance "Are you gay?". I'd also like this for women too but of course, people think so much action is spoken by simple touches even unknown to the beholder, letting your hand rest on a body part is VERY different from groping that body part.

    If I'm tired, and I need a soft stomache to lie on, be it a man or a woman, I want to lie my head down somewhere. Especially when watching movies, when you need to share that couch, what's wrong with being on top of each other?

    If girls can be friendly with each other, why can't guys?

  9. different standards says:
    Tue, 9th Dec 200811:38 am 

    i find it interesting that girls can lay all over each other, or pose in picture all wrapped up around one another (take a look at about every other facebook picture with 2 girls in it, they are like wrapped up in some odd manner which i guess is supposed to be hot?), or even takes pics kissing each other on the cheek, and no one would think that they were lesbians, but if you saw 2 guys doing that many would classify them as gay…although i actually think that a tiny bit of guy-on-guy is hot (a.ka. a peck on the cheek) many girls i know do not and would find it a major turn off.. but i like to see guys that are comfortable with their bodies like girls for the most part are..

  10. berthulf says:
    Thu, 25th Jun 20099:08 am 

    Hey guy, chill.

    From my own experience and friends I can quite honestly say, it doesn't matter how you define yourself or who you sleep with, sexuality is a combination of genetic make-up and up-bringing.

    We all of us grow up around biggotry of one form or another and it's humbling when somebody fights 'against-the-norm' despite being on the side of the biggots (to any given value of biggot and to any degree of on-the-side-of), so for that thankyou, but don't worry too much about it.

    If you were meant to have sex with the guys you've been around you likely would have by now. I've always joked about going a bit bi, but when put in the position to try i turned it down. I can't go there with girls, in just the same way as you can't go there with guys, but this doesn't make either of us a bad person.

    Anyway, you never know what the future holds and the most important rule to remember is that it's all good!

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