So, I’m the queen of bad decision making. I probably shouldn’t embrace this to the degree that I do, but screw it; I think with my vagina sometimes and I love being spontaneous.
When my ex-boyfriend offered to buy me a plane ticket to go visit him for a few days, I knew exactly what was up. We’d had some sexy online conversations during the recent months (in fact, I even blogged about our sexy confrontations a few times before) and sex, after all, was what had kept us together (in my opinion) when we were dating. I accepted the offer, hopped on the plane and wrote the whole thing off as a vacation in my mind, even if nothing more happened.
But of course more did happen. Of course we had sex multiple times in multiple ways in multiple places. Of course we cuddled and reflected on days of old. Of course things felt the way they felt when we dated.
Yes, I know that everyone thinks this is a bad idea, but after having spent some time and thought on this recent voyage of mine, I believe ex-sex can be done, if you do it right. If you are considering it, don’t write it off just yet; I’ve got some tips for a successful trip down memory lane:
1. DON’T PUSH BUTTONS
Chances are, you and your ex know exactly how to push each others’ buttons. People you date tend to learn these kinds of things. I found my ex and I trying to make each other jealous (or angry) at every chance without any real explanation why. We were bickering like an old couple over matters as simple as which movie too watch. We know precisely how to get under each other’s skin, which wasn’t the best way to approach our new casual status.
2. SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE
Back when you two dated, sex was probably an expression of your love and/or appreciation for each other. That was back then. NOW, sex is an expression of…lust. Don’t confuse the kissing or cuddling for emotional attachment…you’ll just be setting yourself up for heartache.
3. DON’T DO ANYTHING YOU’LL REGRET
Just because you’ve done ‘everything’ with your ex before doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good about doing ‘everything’ with your ex now. Weigh out the situation and only do what you’re comfortable doing because, trust me, if anything can make you feel dirty in the world of sex, it’s doing more than you really want to do.
4. TRASH YOUR EXPECTATIONS
It can be hard to move someone in your mind from the ‘committed’ category to the ‘casual’ category. However, if you’re going to have healthy sex with your ex, you have to accept that you have no entitlement over him and you can’t expect anything more than basic respect.
5. DON’T CLING
You’ve already been down that road. Have exsex if you want, but don’t view it as an invitation to start texting or calling all of the time. And don’t expect for your relationship to necessarily merge back into dating, either.
Having sex with exes, I’ve found, can be really emotionally heavy. But I’m a self-destructive train wreck at times and I do it anyway. If you’re going to (also) do it anyway, keep these things in mind.