5 Tips for Sex with the Ex

So, I’m the queen of bad decision making. I probably shouldn’t embrace this to the degree that I do, but screw it; I think with my vagina sometimes and I love being spontaneous.

When my ex-boyfriend offered to buy me a plane ticket to go visit him for a few days, I knew exactly what was up. We’d had some sexy online conversations during the recent months (in fact, I even blogged about our sexy confrontations a few times before) and sex, after all, was what had kept us together (in my opinion) when we were dating. I accepted the offer, hopped on the plane and wrote the whole thing off as a vacation in my mind, even if nothing more happened.

But of course more did happen. Of course we had sex multiple times in multiple ways in multiple places. Of course we cuddled and reflected on days of old. Of course things felt the way they felt when we dated.

Yes, I know that everyone thinks this is a bad idea, but after having spent some time and thought on this recent voyage of mine, I believe ex-sex can be done, if you do it right. If you are considering it, don’t write it off just yet; I’ve got some tips for a successful trip down memory lane:


Chances are, you and your ex know exactly how to push each others’ buttons. People you date tend to learn these kinds of things. I found my ex and I trying to make each other jealous (or angry) at every chance without any real explanation why. We were bickering like an old couple over matters as simple as which movie too watch. We know precisely how to get under each other’s skin, which wasn’t the best way to approach our new casual status.


Back when you two dated, sex was probably an expression of your love and/or appreciation for each other. That was back then. NOW, sex is an expression of…lust. Don’t confuse the kissing or cuddling for emotional attachment…you’ll just be setting yourself up for heartache.


Just because you’ve done ‘everything’ with your ex before doesn’t mean that you’ll feel good about doing ‘everything’ with your ex now. Weigh out the situation and only do what you’re comfortable doing because, trust me, if anything can make you feel dirty in the world of sex, it’s doing more than you really want to do.


It can be hard to move someone in your mind from the ‘committed’ category to the ‘casual’ category. However, if you’re going to have healthy sex with your ex, you have to accept that you have no entitlement over him and you can’t expect anything more than basic respect.


You’ve already been down that road. Have exsex if you want, but don’t view it as an invitation to start texting or calling all of the time. And don’t expect for your relationship to necessarily merge back into dating, either.

Having sex with exes, I’ve found, can be really emotionally heavy. But I’m a self-destructive train wreck at times and I do it anyway. If you’re going to (also) do it anyway, keep these things in mind.



  1. Sarah says:

    I did this once a couple years ago. What made it weird was that I was not only recovering from wisdom teeth removal surgery, but HE was the one who didn't adhere to a single one of your rules. He made the move on me and the sex made me forget about all the pain in my mouth, but he took this act as confirmation that I wanted to be with him again. It wasn't good news, really.

    I'll still never understand why he was able to screw me with my big, puffy face though…that was just straaaange. I looked like a rabbit!

  2. Stephanie says:

    I was a clinger after I had sex with my ex. Not that I started calling him every day again, but I stayed emotionally really attached. Once he started to move on, and get more serious with another girl I felt like he had betrayed me. Which was completely rediculous.

  3. lauren says:

    The guy in the picture looks so creepy!!

    and I dunno…I personally think ex-sex is not worth it…unless you plan on getting back together

  4. AJ says:

    I love me some ex-sex. Sadly, my ex moved to AZ and hasn't offered me a booty call plane ticket. So it's a not-so-much with me right now.

  5. gregory dykes says:

    i want to meet you and have sex the women

  6. Crunchy says:

    It's only a bad idea when the two people aren't clear on where they will stand when it's all over. If you think us having sex means that we're back together, there's a bit of a problem.

  7. ashwani says:

    i wanna some tips about the sex… could u pls send me spl tips……i need it….

    i m waiting ur sweetreply

  8. red says:

    I still do this with my ex. We broke up on good terms so we are still good friends. What she does on her own time with her friends etc is her business, I don't ask. We don't hold each others hands or anything in public, we are strictly friends. But when the mood strikes we engage in exsex, it's simply more physical/rough fun than it was when we were together, because now it's just about the fun of it.

    Pretty much friends with benefits. As stated in this article, if you can keep a level head and understand that you are no longer an item, and the ex is free to do what she/he wants, then it's fine. Just don't make the sex into something more than just sex. Everyone needs physical release.

  9. John says:

    I starting having exsex but it always seems that she can't ever not become attached to me. I was her first and i think that might have something to do with it. We have always been on and off, when she gets attached i usually try to stop talking to her until she calms down. I believe exsex is the most fun kind of sex you can have expecially when they just get out of different relationships and you have too. you both know more and different things that you can try with each other. the sex always gets better

  10. kiki says:

    why the f uck did i not read this before?

  11. Aimee says:

    I had sex with my ex the other day. We haven't seen each other in 9 months and didn't discuss the relationship or the break up. We talked about our current lives sans the dating part and just laughed and flirted. Before we did the deed, we both understood that we did not want to get back together and never discussed whether this would be a reoccurring thing. It was great and we both got ours. I think it can totally be done as long as you are leaving it to sex and not give to much personal information. I don't want to know what he's doing and I think he feels the same. If it happens again cool. If not, then oh well.

  12. delilah says:

    i still love my ex.

    but the best sex i've ever had.. so far we have decided to kiss/makeout, but no sex – since a principal of mine is not to have casual sex..

    but it seems like everyday im thinking of more excuses and ways around it in my head..

    i know how amazing the sex is, but i also know i couldn't help but feel more attatched if we had it.

    i know when we dont have sex i feel distanced form him (which when we are broken up is probably a good thing!) plus, since i only have sex in relatinships, and he's my second guy.. i feel that entitlement.. which is no good either

    damn emotionsss

    1. Delilah Is A Hoe LOL says:

      so your cheating on your boyfriend ? sinces he your second guy ?

  13. twinkyofalla says:

    sex is really amazing especially if doing it out of love not lust. i am not into casual sex because for me sex is sacred!

  14. Jake says:

    I believe that multiple times in multiple cities over multiple positions is impossible to accomplish in these harried/time sensitive/time shortened trials of tribulation in the great beyond of the world we think is the truth but is in causality a figment of the pain and suffering that afflict the preeminence of the world that we castigate in.

  15. Jack The Premature E says:

    I think you're right in that you need to just play it cool. Don't treat this sex like you're suddenly back together and in love. Just enjoy the physical side of it and have that be that.

    And you never know… By playing it cool things might just develop into something more, but if they don't you haven't lost anything. The one thing I would say is for the guy that he'd better be able to stop premature ejaculation, because if the love isn't there then he really does have to perform.

  16. danielle says:

    sex with my ex was amazing. i was greatful to just be friends but more was amazing, though now its so difficult. im in love with him still, hes quite casual. but he tells me he will come to prom with me if i wanted, noticed that my nailvarnish had changed colour within a day! that must mean something? in a way i want him to either get back with me or say he never will but that wud b like splittin up all over again. he does text and reply but sometimes doesnt to .its so hard :(

  17. danielle says:


  18. moi! says:

    i think that, in essence, at the end of the day, there's no really such thing as r-e-a-l-l-y disconnecting sex from emotion or sense of attachment… apparently in summing up the post by saying she's "self-destructive," the author sense that…

  19. elizabeth says:

    I’ve been divorced for over 10 years – children with my ex. We hated each other in the beginning but because of other issues we started to talk-and have been able to become friends. Last year we met to talk about the kids but I knew something would happen. The sex with him had always been amazing and I hadn’t in a long time. Then we didn’t for a long time. He is in a committed relationship. Then over the past few mths we have started again. We meet – do it – then leave. We have both said – friends with benefits. I’ve never been able to have casual sex….but its comfortable. I know what I’m doing – and I think its wrong yet I can’t wait to see him again. We do ‘wild’ things that we used to do when married. My problem? I’m moving away, job opportunity and when I told him – he acted coy-but msg have gotten where he sounds upset that I am. I know him well enuf to know he will never change. He will never be monogamous – and I know I want to find THE ONE but having the right now works for me. He was my first love and I’m concerned feelings will happen, if they haven’t already. Its so confusing. I bounce between telling him we have to stop – to wanting him constantly!!!!

  20. Avocado says:

    Exsex is an emotional disaster if you still have feelings for the person. I ran into my ex after of 2 years of not seeing him and not having any sex. Of course, i never got over him and the exsex has thrown me back into hoping to rekindle things and constantly wanting to know how he feels about me now. But he is so nonchalant and avoids all relationship questions. I know what this really means- he just wants to keep it casual. So yes, proceed at your own risk because it is most definitely self-destructive.

  21. […] a reason, and if we want to find a relationship that does work, we need to stop having sex with our ex, even if it is fabulous, over the top […]

  22. to ex back says:
  23. STFU says:

    Aye If You Want To Have Sex Do It , Its Fun , Meet Up – Fuck – & Leave , Done . Everyonce In A While When Your Horny c:

  24. Brianna says:

    i think that if you want your ex back then yeah have sex

  25. Trueblue says:

    Sometimes ex sex does work. When I first broke up with my ex we had sex within a couple of weeks of breaking up. I was still pretty numb from break up so didn't feel anything. The next few times we had sex however it screwed me up big time as I was still emotionally attached to him. Now I'm no longer emotionally attached, the ex sex is great. There's no expectations and I'm not wanting to get back with him. Sometimes you both just have physical needs and so long as you're not wanting your ex back and are no longer emotionally attached, then yes it can work.

  26. missangelica says:

    I am miss angelica. I grew up and live in alabama a wonderful place in the united state of america. I live in a scattered life with my ex. Because he always get me beaten everyday. Now i have 3 kids for him. But now he left us to california in search of a lady. I never new he was on a love spell attack. It really touches me. I cried everyday for him. But one day my best friend i have came to visit me and i laid everytin that happen between i and him to her. She took me to a man. He is a witch doctor. He consulted his powerful oracle and told me not to worry that after two days he will come begging me. It really works. After the 2 day i met him on our door step crying and begging me that he made a mistake. That i should forgive him. I really did. And we were back to our relationship again. Now i will use this medium to tell every one who find his or herself in this mess that he should contact him at he will be glad to hear from you. No fee needed from you.

  27. Dragonalia says:

    well… my ex was never good in bed or ever good at sexual stuff… so im opposing this sex with ex idea… :)

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