Hot Pizza: Public Enemy Number 1

I Love pizza. With a capital “L”.

By Lauren

There is nothing better than a crispy crust smothered in hot, gooey cheese. Add some grilled onions and mushrooms and I am dunzo.

The only thing better than a slice of pizza, actually, is an entire pie a slice of pizza after a night of drinking.

Yes, like unattractive guys and all songs written and produced in the 80’s, my love for pizza grows immensely when alcohol is involved.

It is like I am one of Pavlov’s dogs; the minute I taste beer, I start drooling for a slice of pie.

My cravings only grow more severe as the night progresses. With every downed shot I imagine my date with my precious pizza pie. So, when the opportunity finally presents itself, I go to town without any thought given to potential collateral damage.

Like my tongue, for instance.

Or the roof of my mouth.

What? Like you could wait the 20 minutes it takes to get home, the 10 minutes it takes to decide what delectable toppings/debate the need for a side of cheesy breadsticks, and the 35 minutes to actually get the pizza and NOT dive right in the minute it arrives?

I get so excited I can’t stop myself. Even though I know in the back of my mind that tearing the box open and biting into my first tasty piece is going to leave me with a numb tongue and a pallet that is so swollen I can’t make proper “S” sounds for a week.

Not to mention the fact that I have done so much mouth damage that I can’t even fully enjoy the experience because I can’t taste a damn thing.

None of that matters, though, because the minute that pizza guy steps into my house and the smell of heaven reaches my nose, all thoughts and memories of pain and burnt tongue-age are pushed from my brain. (Sidenote: The thought of paying the pizza guy has also been pushed from my brain on certain occasions, forcing him to knock on the door again and remind me that I owe him money. Unfortunately, at that point the damage to my mouth has already been done. “Thorry, thir.”)

I need help. I need guidance. I need the pizza to arrive at a cooler temperature. Or I need to find something else to do to save me from my self.

Anyone with me?