College Candy

Sex is weird. It’s basically a collaborative seizure that eventually results in a pink bowling ball that poops. Curiously, the most essential act to sustain the human race is also one of the most absurd and counterintuitive things you can do with your body. If nobody ever told people how to have sex, one has to wonder, would they figure it out?

But even if the regular flailing, shrieking mess that we call “lovemaking” wasn’t bizarre enough, us soldiers of sexuality have figured out a never-ending list of even stranger acts to indulge in. And this isn’t like, you know, tie me up, spank me a bit, maybe some handcuffs. Bondage and creepy power relationships aren’t weird anymore, especially not with all those damn vampire romance stories these days. And poop, well, poop is gross, but that’s still pretty old news. We’ve all heard about poop. No, these are fetishes that would actually sound interesting if you brought them up at a party. Links may be NSFW, and incidentally now I have to throw my hard drive into the center of the sun or something.

Hypnosis

Was anyone else ever kinda creeped out by the hypnotist at your “official” high school graduation party? Did anyone else ever find anything weird about fat, sweaty guys putting groups of young students to sleep and then ordering them to dance at his whim, zombie-like, before making them forget about the whole experience? Creepy, right? More like sexy. Although if all those hypnotherapy ads are to be believed, I think quitting smoking, losing weight and reinvigorating your marital life are pretty hot, too. Sign me up?

Superheroes

Don’t you ever wish you had super powers? You’d soar above the city, eagle-like vision scanning the streets for miscreants, drop out of the sky like an arrow to put a halt to the madness, and… cue the crappy porn music? This happens every time you put the damn outfit on!

Hiccups

On the Internet, you can share your hiccups with everyone! And everyone wants them, too, or at least the small segment of the population that gets hot and bothered when the guy behind them at the concert drinks his beer way too fast. It occurs to me that we don’t have anything useful to say when someone nearby hiccups; we have “bless you” for sneezes, but hiccups just feel awkward. Maybe we should take a page from their books and try “oh, god, yes!”

Being Stepped On

This seems to be a man thing. I’m no expert in trampling fetishism, but it doesn’t seem like ladies really go for the four-inch stilettos up their nostrils. Like many fetishes, the idea of being men being aroused by beautiful women bruising the hell out of their faces seems to have a lot of latent gender trouble bubbling beneath the surface. One site explaining the fetish states, “It’s exhilarating for those that have ever wanted to submit to a woman.” Apparently the writer never considered all the other ways one might be able to “submit to a woman,” such as taking a turn cooking dinner or paying the damn child support.

Cake Sitting

There’s not a lot of explaining to do here, I don’t think. You take the cake and make it your chair. Honestly, there are better things to do with cakes. I can’t think of any right now, but I know there must be something. Any ideas?