The Hills: Spencer and Lo Duke it Out for The Douchebag Award

After watching last night’s episode of The Hills I couldn’t sleep. I was restless. I was angry. I just didn’t know who to hate more: Lo or Spencer. I also didn’t know if I should be embarrassed that I sorta wanna watch My Super Sweet Sixteen presents: Exiled. But that is for a whole different blog.

I used to love Lo. In fact, I considered my 25th birthday to be one of my favorites because it was the day I got to interview her. Too bad I suck at picking people to love, because that girl is a serious biatch.

I get it, Lo; Audrina is sorta bland and boring and you hate her cuz her legs are ridiculous. But stop being such a bitch. She may not be the brightest crayon in the box (although she most definitely is the tannest), but she is a nice girl and wants nothing but good things for those around her. Plus, she is your best friend’s other best friend and, quite frankly, she looked a lot better than you at She-Pratt’s birthday party. What was UP with your hair? And the red lips? You looked like a crazy cat lady.

And then there is Spencer. Oh Spencer – how many times can I possibly write how much I loathe you? Your life consists of one thing: being a bitch. You don’t work, you don’t have friends – all you do is plot evil plans with Heidi (consisting of either awful music videos, photo shoots or ways to make LC’s life a living hell) and eat Mexican food.

When you showed up to Stephanie’s birthday party just to make Lauren squirm, I wanted to take you by that plastic-looking nose and kick the crap out of you. Then the next day when you showed up at Stephanie’s apartment and compared your relationship with LC to that of Iran and Israel, I wanted to shove your face into a pile of poo. For real? You think your hatred for LC – which stems from the fact that she didn’t like you treating her BFF (at the time) like crap – can be compared to the MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT?

<Breathe, Lauren>

Surprisingly, though, those weren’t what made me hate you most.

It was the baby talk at the table with Heidi that really put me over the edge and won you the honor of Biggest Douchebag of the Episode. (Congrats!) Baby talk in relationships is gross. Baby talk coming out of your mouth should be punishable by death. You are the villain, the hated one; seeing you do supposedly cutesy things makes me want to hurl.

But just because Spencer took the cake last night doesn’t mean there weren’t plenty of other offenders in the episode.

Other things that made me hate everyone on The Hills last night:

1. Whitney’s ridiculous jobs – No, I would never want to work for Kelly “I am Satan” Cutrone, but it just seems unfair that Whitney keeps movin’ up the ladder when all she does all day is hang jeans on a rack.

2. Lauren’s Hair – It is so perfect. I want it.

3. Stephanie Pratt’s hair – No more bangs, but the giant frizz is out of control. Can someone let her know that it is not 1988 and that her hair is not immune to humidity?

4. Kelly Cutrone – Is she channeling Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada? Why is she so evil? Does she bathe? Can she somehow get me fired from my job for saying mean things? I’m scared…