College Candy

Whenever you tell someone you’re going back to college, or going for the first time, they are full of useful info. Bring sandals for the shower, get a baggie for the shower stuff you’re planning on bringing, grab a foreman grill, whatever. Unfortunately, with all their good advice, it seems most people don’t really tell you what NOT to bring to school. Good thing I’m here.

Stuff you should not bring to the dorms.

1 – Your $20,000 stereo system.

Yes, I know its got ‘mad subs’ and is both bangin’ and bumpin’ but here’s the reality of the situation. We hate your music. I don’t care who you are and how diverse your tastes are, there are people who hate what you listen to and don’t want to hear it. Additionally, even if your musical taste is somehow Christ-like in its openness, there are times where people don’t want to hear music of any type, and these times may not coincide with your own. Your giant stereo shares noise with all ears, everywhere, and that isn’t necessary. Learn to use headphones and leave you’re cribs-esque sh*t at home.

2 – Frivolous Kitchen Stuff

Here are the following items I have personally seen people bring that have pissed other people off: a popcorn maker, a cotton candy machine, a full sized wok, a 12 speed blender…the list goes on. Do not bring kitchen sh*t you have either no intention of using or have no idea how to operate. The popcorn and cotton candy guy buzz killed every party, the Wok guy set fire to our paper towels, and the 12 speed blender kid supplied samples for everyone at a high velocity. Also, you are a freshman and you are godd*mn filthy. You never clean your sh*t, and the more sh*t you have, the less clean you are overall. Something else to consider: as soon as people get drunk this stuff is getting abused. The wok was used as a sled. Which was cool, but broken now.

3 – Your drum kit

But bro, I want to jam with my mans and them! Every time I see someone unloading a drum kit on move-in day I simultaneously create a scenario where their roommates try to kill them using snakes. If you bring your drum kit to the dorms, you are that kid that everyone hates. The dorms are not your apartment, they are where people sleep and study. Every music college ever has practice rooms with drum sets and no one at a non-music college needs a drum kit. If you bring a set with you but don’t practice in the dorms, fine, whatever. If you have a sweet electronic drum kit with headphones, awesome. If you have a bitchin’ jazz fusion kit that totally surrounds you, that is so cool and I bet your band is sweet but setting that sh*t up in a forced triple is a complete mistake. You will regret it.

4 – Exercise Equipment

Exerbike, treadmill, bowflex, etc. There are noisy and absurd and when I saw my roommate loading one in I rubbed my eyes in complete disbelief. Here is the solution to the problems I’m sure these people are having about getting this stuff up the stairs or in the car. It’s called a gym. Your school has one. Or, join the YMCA. It’s cheap and mostly clean. Also, like cooking sh*t, exercise equipment and drunkenness is a recipe for disaster, as anyone who has tried to see how fast exactly a treadmill can go will tell you.