Note To Self: You Are Not in College Anymore

After far too long without college football, I took a trip back up to my old school to watch the first game of the season. I figured my friend and I would grab some lunch at our favorite restaurant, watch the game from the non student section with her parents, and head home when the day was over.

By Lauren

Upon arriving on campus we immediately headed to lunch where we began our meal with a Bloody Mary and some Mojitos. It was at that moment that I realized our leisurely Saturday afternoon was going to be anything but.

The combination of the rum pumping through my veins and my excitement at being back on campus got me feeling all nostalgic. I missed campus, I missed my friends, and, most of all, I missed getting completely sh*tcanned before a football game.

So we followed our hearts and decided to do it up college style.

I chugged Franzia with some frat boys (“BABIES! You can’t chug for your life!”), downed Boones Farm with my friends – and that was before we even left the lawn. I had a 40 on my way to the game, which I shared with some random band playing on a porch that belonged to people I did not know. And I sang bad 80’s songs into the mic.

I heckled people on my way to the game, took a swig from some random kid’s flask and stole a hot dog from the stand right outside of the stadium. We eventually made it to the game and as I sat in the hot sun watching my team lose (which wasn’t painful enough already), I patiently awaited the hangover from hell.

But the hangover never came! So, naturally, my friend and I decided to keep going. We stopped for some much needed pizza and nachos, picked up some more Boones and headed out for round 2 (in our sweaty game day clothes).

I drank more college kids under the table (a fact I am quite proud of) and even busted out my killer dance moves. I was feeling great. “I STILL GOT IT!” I screamed to anyone who would listen.

But now it is Monday. And I can’t get out of bed. In fact, I have only gotten up twice since returning from my College Day in Ann Arbor and that was to puke and to hydrate. My legs hurt. My arms hurt. My liver hurts.

Staring at the ceiling while a little man in my head hammers away on my skull I have come to a realization: I don’t still got “it,” unless “it” is a massive hangover.

I may be good at some things, but drinking like a college kid is not one of them. I tip my hat to you, college ladies. Enjoy your last night of Welcome Week and be sure to drink some boxed wine for me. I’ll be here watching 90210 reruns on Soap Net and willing myself out of bed.