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He Said/She Said: Do Guys Really Care About Your “Number”?
September 3, 2008 Posted in Relationships, Sex
A few weeks back one of our writers started a discussion about the infamous number. No, not your SAT score; the number of people you have slept with. She (ever so eloquently, I must add) offered the idea that any guy worth her time would not care about how many guys had lifted her skirt before.
I really wanted that to be true, but knowing how much people talk about “the number” I had some doubts that anyone would find a guy who would ignore it completely. Clearly people care about the issue – why else would everyone keep track?
I turned to my male friends for some insight: should I worry about how many people I have slept with? Do guys care about my number?
He Said:
What’s in a number? Well, when talking about past partners with your special someone, it’s how many penises have been inside your girlfriend, that’s what. Who she’s slept with is just not a good thing to think about. But does it really matter?
Personally, I could care less. Not that her sexual history isn’t important, but assigning value to the number itself is arbitrary and basically meaningless. As long as I’m not at risk of catching something (which should be confirmed in an entirely different conversation, btw), I don’t see how the number of people makes any difference in our relationship.
That said, I empathize with those of you for whom it does matter. If your girl tells you she’s slept with 10 guys, it feels like she slept with them the night before, not years. Just the thought of her with another person can make you want to puke. That’s only natural–but it’s also foolish.
In the past, if I found out the girl I was seeing had sex with more people than me, it wretched my stomach with jealously. But then I realized that it wasn’t how many people she’s slept with that matters, it’s how she felt about doing the deed(s).
My girlfriend could have had a bukake party in a warehouse in Cleveland and it wouldn’t bother me, as long as she did so with a clear mind and full confidence in herself. Not that I would enjoy the thought. But if she did it because her ex wanted her to, or because she was f**ked up on drugs or because her self-esteem was so low she thought it was the only way to get men to pay attention to her, that would freak me the hell out.
It would freak me out because I find that kind of behavior untrustworthy. If she doesn’t have respect for herself, I believe it’s impossible for her to have real respect for me. Problem is, finding out those kinds of details can be nearly impossible–and it’s all about the past, not the present or future. So instead of asking how she felt at the time about an activity that makes me uncomfortable, I ask how she feels about doing it (or them) now.
If she’s ok with herself and her past, then her “number” shouldn’t be a big deal for you. And if her answer still makes your cringe, you need to get your jealously under control.
She Said:
If all guys are like this guy, then maybe everyone can stop freaking out about all that fun between the sheets. There are so many factors that contribute to “the number” – duration of relationships, age when someone lost their virginity, how old someone is now, etc. – that it is really impossible to judge.
And what number is too high? And who are you to make that decision?
I don’t know if everyone is going to disregard their partner’s sexual history, but they should (unless that partner has some interesting bumps brewin’ downtown). The point is, the whole number thing is irrelevant and inconsequential. What happened in the past is the past. Your partner is with you now, so stop overthinking things and enjoy yourself.
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michael says:
Wed, 3rd Sep 200812:06 pm
you know, I have changed my mind.
the number doesnt matter, and "HE" did a good job of making me believe that.
so sorry for anyone I offended in past comments.
Laura says:
Wed, 3rd Sep 20082:48 pm
I've never been one to care about a guys number, but have found that if they have cheated in the past they are likely to cheat again. -those are guys who told me of their past. So, to me it's not the number, but how they did things on the way to their number.
-Then again, I'm a girl.
tim says:
Wed, 3rd Sep 20084:10 pm
OK…i'm sure I'm going to get reamed out for saying this, but what would you think if I told you I found it a little exciting for a girl's number to be higher (as long as she has been safe). I mean, I was raised very strictly and have had very few partners. I wish I had had more, and I would find it exciting to hook up with a girl that is more experienced than me. A higher number gives it something of a naughty factor that I find hot.
Am I completely alone in this thought?
zoe says:
Wed, 3rd Sep 20084:13 pm
i totally agree with this guy, i think the number thing shouldnt really matter. but even if it shouldnt i wouldnt go near a guy who had a really high number… it just grosses me out. and, im sorry but i would only want to sleep with someone who gives that act the same sort of level of importance i do… and if they do that then they cant have slept around that much.
Esha says:
Thu, 4th Sep 20081:38 am
Of course numbers matter! I am a female and strongly believe that it says something about yourself if your constantly hopping from bed to bed. Im 19 and I would not want to date a guy who is the same age as me and has had more than 3-4 partners. But that is just me and at the end of the day it will always matter to some people while it wont both others at all. So it just comes down to personal choice.
heather says:
Sat, 6th Sep 20087:39 am
i just agree with the article. as long as there arent any diseases, who cares? and also, its not the number itself, but how the number was done. if it was done cheating or out of lack of self-worth, that sucks. but like the guy says, if its done out of confidence and out of normalcy? well, then its just a number.
i didnt used to feel this way. im dating someone who is more experienced than i was, and i remember not liking it when i first started dating him… and then it just didnt bother me anymore, cause its stupid. remember, the person is sleeping with you now, and eventually, when you date long enough, it doenst feel like the night before; it feels like ages ago.
What says:
Tue, 9th Sep 20089:46 pm
Honestly, it's shallow, but yeah it matters.
Huh says:
Fri, 12th Sep 20081:00 pm
I think it matters in regards to the saying "if you don't have enough respect for yourself, how do you expect to have respect for anyone else". My guy (whose number I'm not okay with) openly admitted it was solely a self esteem issue, only feeling as though you are only worth something if the opposite sex gives you attention. And yes, it has caused a lot of problems between us.
Michael says:
Wed, 19th May 201010:12 pm
I can only speak for myself. I don't know how many other guys feel this way. It does matter to me. If the number seems to start getting up-there a bit I tend to be concerned that our relationship wont be (satisfying) enough for her. Although I am not certian about others, I would like to feel like I was in her "top 5" but then I have a tendancy to be somewhat insecure due to some real negitive experiances. I guess I have just chosen poorly. Most importantly though is for me to know that what I can provide for her will not leave her looking for something on-the-side or just someone else. For the most part, I try to use the "Don't ask, Don't tell" rule unless somethig has provoked it. Not that I don't want to have at least "some" idea of my partners past but it is easier for me if I just don't ask for all the gory details. However, at my age (in my 40's) it is not a big deal to me if my partner has only had 10, maybe 15 other sex partners. I am more interested in how they have lived their last 5-10 years. I do however believe that one should not lie if actually asked as to find out something differnt later really takes its' toll on a relationship. Trust and the ability to feel like you can trust is extreamly important to me.
One thing I have learned the hard way is "NEVER" ask "Was I the best?"
A) It herts like the dickens if you get told "No"
B) It might not be believable if she says "Yes"
So never ask questions about somethign if you are not sure you can actually handle a "truthfull" answer of.
Besides, it means so much more to be told "You're the best!" When it is said sincerly without having prompted it.
I read an earlier post where cheeting was mentioned.. I don't hold firmly to the saying "Once a cheeter, always a cheeter". Although, I do find that often this is the case. What seems to be the deviding factor is if there has been some major life changing event that caused the person to change. For some it is as simple as finding someone they truly love (although not usually). If this change has happend it is normally been something along the lines of the removal of some drug or other addiction from ones life.