Sexiling: Yes, You CAN Be Tactful About It

The dorm. The 18×10 space you are crammed into with another girl, who may or may not be a complete stranger, depending on your housing situation. It’s hard enough to keep your notebooks and gym clothes on “your” side of the room when it’s just the two of you…try throwing a relationship into the picture.

By Kathryn S

Suddenly, you and your roommate are juggling class schedules, study time, piles of laundry, the remote control, and trying to throw intimate time with a guy into the mix. It can be rough, but it can be done. You just need to remain respectful of your roommate, and follow some simple steps to sexile (and be sexiled) without spitefully poking pinholes in each other’s condoms.

1. Have “The Talk.”

Tell your roommate what’s going on. If you move in, and you’re already in a relationship, be honest. Tell her your boyfriend will be coming up one weekend a month, and ask if you can arrange some private time in the room. If you’re single but have a prospect, tell your roommate that you have a date on Friday and ask if she has plans, just in case.

Do not get separated at a party and call your roommate at 3 a.m. to tell her you’re already stumbling home with a boy in tow.

2. Likewise, Keep Score

If you make a habit of bringing home a random guy every weekend and kicking out your roomie, it won’t take long before she’s requesting a housing swap. It’s okay to have a one-night stand, but don’t make your roommate suffer for your own promiscuous needs. She’s more apt to be understanding if she knows she’s giving up the living space so you can spend some QT with your boyfriend, or so you can finally have some alone time with the guy you’ve been crushing on all semester. This goes with rule #1, but she’s probably going to get annoyed if you point out a frat boy at a party and slur, “Can I have the room for a couple of hours?”

Also, if you are sexiling her several times a week, but have never been sexiled yourself, you are being selfish. If this is the case, you may want to read the next rule…

3. Explore All Options

Does it always have to be in your room? Can you steal away to a different hotspot, e.g. his room/apartment/house, the football field, the backseat of his Volvo, whatever? Changing locations will not only make things better for you and the roomie, but it might also spice things up for you and your mate.

If it does have to be in your room, ask if there’s a place she can go so she’s not totally out in the cold. After all, you’re already following rule #1 and having “The Talk.” Maybe she’s cool with crashing on a friend’s futon. Maybe she has her own plans. While it’s not her responsibility to find alternative living arrangements (for the time being), there might be a comparable solution.

4. Try to be Convenient

Kicking her out on a Monday? Maybe not the most considerate thing. Asking her for a few hours when she’s elbows deep in midterms? Pretty selfish. Telling her you’ll be doing the no-pants dance the weekend her parents are coming up to visit? Seriously, get a hold of your libido.

One year, I was told that I had to vacate my room for the duration of Valentine’s Day weekend. That may have seemed reasonable to my roommate and her boyfriend, but I was single and had some single girlfriends coming up to get rip-roaring sloshed. So, my girls and I were homeless while my roommate and her boyfriend had a “romantic” weekend of bunk bed boning. That really irked me. If he was a real Romeo, couldn’t he have sprung for a hotel room? But I digress.

5. Mind the Noise Level

If you have a suite with a common area that is separate from your bedroom and you’ve banished your roommate to the couch for a few hours, make sure she can’t hear you. She knows what’s going in there, but she doesn’t need an audio reminder while she’s being kind enough to catch up on “A Shot of Love” reruns until you’re spent.

6. Don’t Invade ANY Personal Bubbles

This includes the two biggest no-no’s of hooking up in a shared space:

NEVER hook up while she’s in the room and NEVER, EVER do it in her bed. This should go without saying, but come on, we all do stupid stuff when we’re drunk, and throwing hormones into a sh*tshow can equal some VERY bad decisions. It’s also a good idea to shy away from fooling around in shared spaces (read: no BJ’s on the common room sofa). If she catches wind of how you’ve left your scarlet letter on the desk she writes her papers on, she will resent you long after you’ve both moved out and moved on.

When in doubt, use your best judgment and remember what your teachers told you in kindergarten: treat others the way you would want to be treated.

Just remember: a quickie only lasts a few minutes, but you have to live with your roommate 24/7.