Much has happened since John McCain selected Sarah Palin to be his Vice President, having chosen her after an extensive vetting process composed of… oh, I don’t know, picking her name out of a hat, perhaps, or a lively session of “Spin the Bottle” with all available candidates. Back in those days – the halcyon, innocent days of August 29 through 30 – I was merely insulted that John McCain had chosen to exploit the feminist optimism born of Hillary Clinton’s campaign.
Lots of people were inspired and made hopeful by Hillary Clinton’s relative success as a candidate, which was undeniably historic; even if you preferred Obama’s policies (as I did), Hillary Clinton made it possible to believe that someday, some woman might be elected President of the United States. Many of the same people were disappointed when Obama picked Joe Biden, Long-Time White Dude, to be his running mate. He could have chosen Sebelius! Hell, maybe he could even have chosen Clinton! What is Grandpa doing at the party?
Then, John McCain picked Palin as his VP.
You see, the press has been operating, for many months, under the following three assumptions: 1) women supported Hillary because she was a lady, 2) women who supported Hillary hated Obama, 3) these women (who, one must assume, are Democrats) are so fuzzy on the whole “politics” thing that they will vote against Obama even if it means supporting a candidate who has basically nothing in common with HRC, because women always vote with our emotions and simple logic (as in, “if you can’t vote for HRC, vote for the most similar candidate”) is beyond us.
If you believe all this, then nominating a lady on the Republican ticket was a super-savvy move! Women, the theory ran, would be so blinded by vagina that we’d rush to vote for McCain and his Special Lady Friend, and we’d ignore the fact that, in his years as a senator, McCain has persistently voted against the rights and interests of women.
So yes, at first, I was insulted. (“Does McCain really think I’m going to vote against my own interests because he’s picked Token McLadypants?”) Then, I was despondent. (“Oh, my god, people are going to fall for this, my right to choose is DOOMED.”) Now, however, as more and more information about Sarah Palin surfaces, I am absolutely ecstatic. Because Sarah Palin is her own – and her party’s – worst enemy.
Let’s pick an issue. A simple issue. Something like… oh, let’s say, birth control. Sarah Palin has stated publicly that she will not support education about birth control in public schools. Then, of course, her 17-year-old daughter got knocked up. Gosh, it sure seems like some education about birth control could have prevented that! Or perhaps, if her birth control failed, some EC – though it’s unlikely Palin would support that, since evangelical Christians (of which Palin is one) tend to believe that it constitutes abortion (which Sarah Palin is adamantly against) even though there’s no evidence that EC can terminate a pregnancy once it’s begun. Then again, by talking about “evidence,” we’re veering dangerously close to the realm of science, to which Sarah Palin is also opposed: she has supported teaching creationism (or, as it is also known, “Magic Jesus Studies”) in public schools, and doesn’t believe in global warming.
Let’s move on. Surely, since Sarah Palin is opposed to birth control and abortion, she’ll support teenage mothers who choose not to abort their unplanned pregnancies, right? I mean, they represent everything she’s working so hard to create! Wrong: Sarah Palin chose to cut funding to the Passage House center for teenage mothers. To be fair, she also cut funding to several other programs aimed at helping at-risk or troubled teenagers, and apparently did almost nothing to address the failing educational system of her state, so she seems to be against children in general – at least, once they’ve left the womb.
Voters will be glad to know that Palin isn’t wasting taxpayers’ money. Instead of spending it on things like education or support for people in need, she’s concentrating on the essentials, like shooting wolves from helicopters.
Sarah Palin supported a government-funded program to SHOOT F–KING WOLVES FROM GODDAMN HELICOPTERS. You get in the helicopter, fly over some wolves, and shoot them. This is a favorite hobby of hers, apparently! She wants taxes to pay for it! You cannot make this up. This is one more step in Sarah Palin’s lifelong campaign against nature, which also includes a proposal to drill in wildlife reserves, and probably a “kicking baby squirrels to death” initiative we haven’t heard about yet.
So, yes: Sarah Palin hates children, animals, and knowledge, is wrong about pretty much everything, and is usually wrong in a spectacularly bizarre fashion. She’s probably her party’s greatest liability at the moment. However, even if she doesn’t become our next Vice President, there’s a chance that she could end up running a country. She has extended her support to the Alaskan Independence Party, which wants Alaska to secede from the United States, so she could very well wind up becoming the new Empress of Coldsvania. This, combined with drilling in wildlife reserves, means that in a few years, we may actually invade Alaska in order to get control of its oil.
We’ll have to watch out for the Alaskan army, though. They’ve got those wolf-shooting planes.
[IMAGE 1: The terrifying maw of Sarah Palin, taken from uberdesi.com]
[IMAGE 2: Sarah Palin wins yet another victory over the Godless caribou that plague our nation. Yes, it's really her. She's "pro-life," you see, which explains why she spends so much time killing things. Image from the Sydney Morning Herald, http://www.smh.com.au