4 Reasons Rachel Ray MIGHT Just Be The Devil

September 10, 2008 3:50 pm     Posted in Buzz, HaHa  mapofrussia g+ page

rachael_ray.jpg“What Rachel Ray does to food, Hitler did to Poland…she’s like a hypnotist; ‘everything’s okay, you’re eating just fine, throw some cheese on it and you’ll be fine’” — Anthony Bourdain.


By Mapofrussia

[Initially, we thought today was Rachel Ray's birthday.  Obviously, one of us was taking drugs or something, because her birthday was actually August 25.  In any case, we still stand behind this article, because birthday or not, she's still probably tied SOMEHOW to Beelzebub]

In case you’re not familiar with her 30-minute brand of world domination, here are some reasons why Rachel Ray always has a first class ticket to fire and brimstone.

1) Her Voice: It sounds as though she smokes 3 packs a day, unfiltered. Except she rolls her own and crumbles glass and charcoal into that sh*t. We only know her for 30 minutes, why is her voice like that? Hopefully it’s from being really peppy and not screaming like a banshee at her sous-chefs all day.

2) Too perfect at making 30 Minute Meals: There is something fishy about her innate ability to time meals so that she always has time to take two or three bites. Something almost…satanic. A power so cosmic, every time she suggests her meal idea, I think ‘ok bitch, today’s the day you aren’t getting to eat what you make!’ but the stars somehow align and Ray gets two or three bites while laughing maniacally about how easy it was. Portobello burgers in 30 minutes my ass; devil burgers with a side of devil.

3) Change in Diet: The redeeming thing about her (satanic) gift to cook fast was that she was almost always making something good and even if she f*cked the devil, she was advocating eating home cooked unprocessed foods. Then Ritz and Dunkin Donuts baked her a nice fat money cake with money frosting and she flew on her magic carpet made of money and decided it was time to tell people that spreading cream cheese on a ritz was a wholesome pursuit.

4) Smile: Dude, what the hell? Don’t stare directly into it! When Rachel Ray opens her mouth, if you are close enough, you hear the sound of a thousand dead souls screaming backwards. It is literally a rip in space and time. Light bends inward toward her gaping maw. I had a nightmare where Rachel Ray cut my mouth with a knife and asked me, WHY SO SERIOUS?

I mean, I’m not saying I wouldn’t eat her food, but I would do so with the cautious suspicion of a detective who has been invited in by the very man he believes to be the ‘Uptown Slicer.’

Don’t think we haven’t noticed your ‘convenient ascension’ to media control, Demon. You’re on our radar.

17 Comments on "4 Reasons Rachel Ray MIGHT Just Be The Devil"

  1. Lauren, University o says:
    Wed, 10th Sep 20082:37 pm 

    That pic is the WORST THING Ive ever seen.

  2. J - NYU says:
    Wed, 10th Sep 20083:38 pm 

    Her eyes are totally dead.

    …freaky.

  3. ela says:
    Wed, 10th Sep 20087:12 pm 

    bourdain is hilar lol

  4. Rose says:
    Wed, 10th Sep 20086:43 pm 

    I completely agree!!! I hate everything about that show. Have you ever noticed she does this weird thing with her tongue while she's listening to someone or in between talking. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

  5. jes says:
    Thu, 11th Sep 20089:30 am 

    I've never watched the show, but I'm just wondering why she's standing around in her bra eating (what appears to be) chocolate?

    I hope that's for a photoshoot, and not a clip from the tv show. Creepy…

  6. Elise - UCLA says:
    Thu, 11th Sep 20089:48 am 

    I always feel like she's going to poke my eye out with all her spastic gesticulations.

  7. Josh says:
    Thu, 11th Sep 20083:08 pm 

    Rachel Ray is the greatest!

    Giada makes Me angry, I don't know what it is but I'll give this example: she minimizes her native accent while shes talking about whatever, but then out of nowhere Italian ingredient = time for mucho Italian accent. She probably isn't doing it on purpose but it seems so in your face as if to say "hey American viewer, you're saying it wrong!" Its about as in your face as her cleavage…er enthusiasm.

    Okay I don't really hate Giada but there was too much Rachel bashing going on. Someone has to bring some balance.

  8. Dana Nicole says:
    Thu, 11th Sep 20086:40 pm 

    Umm, how about what Rachel said on her show the other day? "If you want to save money when going out to eat, just tip less."

    Excuse me? Many of us pay our bills by waiting tables. If you can't afford to tip, don't go out to eat. I would think that someone who came from a middle class background would appreciate people that are struggling to make it, too.

  9. matt awesome says:
    Mon, 15th Sep 20087:39 am 

    i thought i was the only one! the moment i looked the lifeless eyes of racheal ray i knew something wasnt right… go back to the fires of hell satan spawn!

  10. RRSUX says:
    Tue, 16th Sep 200812:45 pm 

    RR sucks

    she can't cook if her life depended on it

    visit rrsux.com to find out more

  11. Xay says:
    Fri, 19th Sep 200812:12 pm 

    She lovin on that doo doo butter

  12. FUNNY FUNNY says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20081:32 pm 

    Ok lol has anyone noticed how her head is totaly huge. And she has these super small arms. Like a bobble head doll.

    lol

  13. Mike says:
    Mon, 9th Feb 20094:01 am 

    Adds some glass and charcoal,LMAO! To funny! Just adding my 2 cents here. Look at her name, containing the letters RA, 2 times. Look up and see who RA is. One time I tuned in, during my investigation, she said she was the QUEEN. of what? hmmmmm. Be on guard, if the devil did check her oil level with his dip stick, you might be in for an occult attack. Sick some demons on ya!

  14. Nadia says:
    Sat, 15th Aug 200911:46 am 

    You guys are all jealous coz you arent as successful as she is! Shame on ALL of you! HATERS!! I bet NONE of you are successful thats why you all hate on her! go follow your own dreams and fill your own purpose instead of hating someone who IS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING POSITIVE with her life!! you guys make me vomit!

  15. lauri says:
    Wed, 21st Jul 20105:27 am 

    I cannot stand to watch her. While her show would be great with a different host, she ruins it. The thing with her tongue is just annoying and disgusting. That alone equates her to the devil. Not to mention her recipes. How many different ways can you make buffalo wings or burgers……..just nasty.

  16. Anonymous says:
    Fri, 18th Mar 20113:30 pm 

    Any man would *happily* pork Rachael given half a chance.

  17. victor newman says:
    Fri, 13th Apr 201211:58 am 

    Her mouth is enormous, but the tongue thing is the real story, Just think how big that thing really is,,She has to let out ever so often because it's alive, If you notice she flicks it out like a lizard or (REPTILE) that's right, she's one of them. A human cross hybrid reptilian. They control everything form cooking shows,to Government, Hollywood, television and all forms of media. Stay awake people,,you'll soon see them for who they really are!!

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