Eat, Drink and Be Merry: Best Drunk Foods

Eating whilst drunk is, in general, about as smart as sexing up strangers whilst drunk or calling ex-boyfriends whilst drunk, which is to say not very smart at all.

All the same, when I’ve consumed large amounts of alcohol, I’m going to go across the street and get chicken tenders from Whataburger. It’s just something that is inevitably going to happen, like Christmas every year, like my period every month (knock on wood), like my g*ddamn alarm clock going off every morning.

Because there is no single more satisfying aspect of the drinking experience than eating a lukewarm chicken tender at 2:30 in the morning. The nuanced interplay between the textures of chicken and breading somehow melds perfectly with the taste of Guinness that still lingers in my mouth.

That isn’t to say, of course, that other cravings don’t arise in my drunken state. Here are some other drunk food favs:

Potato Chips - Usually Sour Cream and Onion, which causes a serious breath issue in the morning (Onion + Alcohol=another reason to vomit). At the time, though, (like so many other things) it really seems like a great idea. Potato chips are usually pretty filling, you usually already have some at your house so you don’t have to drive around to find an open store to buy them (unless you live in a legitimate city and can simply walk outside for food) and they are fairly portable. By this I mean, you can’t very well bring your Chalupa into bed with you as you pass out. Or at least you really shouldn’t. I’ve passed out with my hand in a bag of chips before. Some would call that a cry for help, I would have called it being prepared.

Fast Food – I know this category seems pretty broad, but think about the times that you’ve been drunk and someone is driving you home. You pick up your head to look out the window, or get some fresh air, or relieve yourself of the alcohol you’ve consumed and pretty much the first fast food restaurant you see makes you want food from that restaurant intensely. When I see that Wendy’s sign, absolutely nothing in the world – no other restaurant, no person, nothing – will satisfy me but a number 9. That’s all I want and I will not be able to go to sleep/pass out until I get it.

Pizza – Cold, or fresh. The way the cheese and breading settles in your stomach sort of makes you think that it’s soaking up the alcohol and all the grease sort of makes you sleepy. Pizza is great for the night of casual drinking with friends, where you somehow all end up drunk without realizing it. When you do realize it, of course, you get hungry. What are you going to do but call up any of the 50 pizza places on or around campus?

All that being said, it’s important to note that eating whilst drunk, while greatly satisfying at the time, is a bad idea because you shouldn’t be eating at all that late at night, especially such fatty foods, and, according to Go Ask Alice, eating while drunk and sick can actually make you feel sicker. A good rule of thumb is to eat before you go out so you can fill up and absorb alcohol better when you do drink. And, on a personal note, know that Guinness and cheese dip should never, ever mix.

What is your favorite drunk food? Have any tips on forgoing drunken snacking?