College Candy

Nothing is worse than signing onto Facebook, getting excited you have a friend request, and then seeing its your fourth-grade-brownie-troop-leader who is not only miraculously still alive but also alert enough to sign up for a Facebook account.

It’s not that I don’t want to see what my wonderful leader is up to, it’s more like I don’t think I need to see it through Facebook. I would love to visit her at her nursing home and hear all about her there.

And even though everyone is allowed to have a Facebook nowadays doesn’t mean they should have them. I’m allowed to buy Depends, but it doesn’t mean that I am going to start wearing them. I work very hard at participating in age appropriate things and I wish everyone else would follow my lead.

No matter who the over-aged friender is, I’ve learned they all share three traits in common.

1. Over-usage of applications

Immediately after accepting their friend request (and putting them on the most limited profile possible) they start throwing vampires, sending goblins, and flinging hug requests. I’m forced to spend more time blocking applications than stalking people’s wall-to-walls. And it seems that for every application I block, five more spring up in its place. Yesterday I blocked the hug-me application request and today I woke up with 14 new requests from the hugger application, huggiest application, huggable application, and hug thrower application. I don’t even know what hug-throwing could possibly mean but I’m pretty sure it’s illegal in at least 34 states.

2. Unnecessary Friend Details

Literally seconds after I’m friended by the undesirables they send the most specific friend details. “I babysat you in 1989 and I changed your diaper 3 times!” Or, “I was the 2nd grade chorus teacher that made you lipsync during the annual Holiday concert.” I used to think they were sending these uber-detailed friend requests to be funny; now I just assume that they send them to remind themselves on a daily basis who I am. I guess the details are the Ginko Biloba pills of Facebook. Either way I never accept them. I like to hope it makes their day a little more eventful since they have to remember who I am every single time they log on.

3. Baby Albums

If you are old enough to be putting albums of your children on Facebook, you don’t belong on Facebook. End of story. Shouldn’t these parents be doing something with their kids instead of posting their daily baths on Facebook (yep, I’ve seen a baby-bath time album…and now I feel like I should be on To Catch a Predator). Not only do they have baby albums, but they sometimes make their actual profile picture a photo of their kid. Every time that happens I freak out because there is always that split second when I’m like, when did I friend a baby?

I miss the days when Facebook was only for the young, fun and college educated. What happened to that? Get off Facebook, oldies!b