April says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20082:15 pm 

I disagree completely, but maybe that's because I'm a baby mama.

I think it really depends on the guy when it comes to how much responsibility you'll have with the child and how much contact you'll have with the ex.

I know in the situation of me and my ex, I have absolutely NOTHING to do with him and his relationship with his girlfriend, so it's definitely not like she's dating both of us and our child. She treats my daughter well, and that's all I care about, so I stay out of it. I'm sure there many other "baby mama's" out there like me as well.

As far as responsibility goes, I don't know anyone who has a child who expects their significant other (unless they're married) to be COMPLETELY responsible for their baby. I know when it comes to me, I am my daughter's mother and I don't expect any guy I date to take complete responsibility for my child, unless he is watching her for me while I'm doing something.. but that's exactly the same amount of responsibility he'd have if he were watching a niece, nephew, or friend's kid.. and I'm sure most of us have done that before, even if only for a few minutes.

As for the "drama" factor, it all comes down to a person's particular situation. You could just as easily date someone who isn't quite over his ex, or whose ex isn't quite over him… or they're still good friends, and you're still having to deal with that drama. That definitely isn't exclusive to people who have kids.

Basically what I'm saying is that I think it's unwise to rule out a potentially great partner just because they have a child. For all you know, that guy and his baby could be the best thing that ever happens to you.

Sam says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20082:32 pm 

I definitely agree with April. I'm dating a guy that has a kid.

Just because he already has a kid doesn't mean there's any drama, I've dated guys who brought A LOT more drama into the relationship than my guy ever has.

Also I think having a kid has made him more mature and settled, definitely a nice plus compared to other guys his age.

I never thought I would date a guy that has a kid, and my Mom specifically told me before never to do it; but sometimes you just can't help who you fall for.

Shannon says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20083:10 pm 

I also am a baby mama and the thing about baby daddys you say that there aren't many around, well mine never tells anyone about his baby, and so do several of my friend's kid's dads. So, maybe there are more than you think. According to him he does not have a kid. I would rather date a guy who has a kid and know that he takes responsibility for his actions that date someone like my kid's dad who obviously has some more major moral issues than accidentally letting one swim past the goal line.

Lisa says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20087:15 pm 

I dated a baby daddy…the only reason it didn't work was because he didn't TELL me he was a baby daddy. As long as people are upfront and honest and make sure everyone knows whats going on its totally cool.

LucyInTheSky says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20089:11 pm 

So someone who has a child is basically rendered undateable? If you get divorced after children, or even if you have a child out of wedlock, you deserve to be single for the rest of your life because of the potential drama it might cause for the person you date?

No one's saying that you have to date someone with children- that's obviously your prerogative. But there are plenty of men (and women!) out there with children who would make great partners. Who's to say that baby-mama drama is worse than crazy ex-girlfriend drama, overbearing mother drama, super-controlling boss drama? Almost everyone comes prepackaged with a few issues.

Chelle says:
Mon, 15th Sep 20089:56 pm 

I agree with April and Sam. I'm dating a baby daddy right now, almost 2 years. He tries to alleviate drama in our relationship more than I do. I've dated some drama kings. He's in college yet, and does his best to make sure he can see his daughter, 2, as much as he can.

He looks to me for interesting babysitting tips sometimes, but other than that he has never tried to thrown me into chaos that I couldn't handle.

His ex and him don't see eye-to-eye sometimes, and in the beginning I felt like I was dating her too for a little.

I think it depends on your coping skills with the information. I was wary because even as a babysitter, you never know how a child will take to you sometimes. But if you really do care for each other, it'll work out, and the two "worlds" can collide smoothly with some elbow grease. The only thing his daughter is crazy about is if he's hugging me because she's used to him alone, and not me all the time. We believe it'll work out though, everything takes time.

johndoe@yahoo.com says:
Tue, 16th Sep 20088:55 pm 

I think it does come down to the person you are as well as the person you're dating. However as for one without kids, I believe that dating someone that does will take away from experiences that a couple could very well encounter together. For example going through parenthood should be shared in as many cases as possible and I feel like it takes away from the person in the relationship who hasn't experienced such issues, problems, joys, and fun.

sara says:
Fri, 19th Sep 200811:13 am 

Yeah, I dated a guy that turned out to be a baby-daddy. Total relationship killer. If he would have been up-front with me when we started going out, that would have been different. But I found out he just ditched this girl and kid and she's taking him to court… it just made me wonder if all the love and protection he promised me would disappear if we ever had some kind of scare or accident… I don't think I could date another baby-daddy.

Jenn says:
Tue, 23rd Sep 20088:27 pm 

The worst, soul-crushing relationship I ever had was with a baby daddy. I don't think I can do that ever again…

Gabrielle says:
Tue, 21st Oct 200811:34 am 

I'm late, but I need a little advice. I'm seeing a guy who has a baby, and I really like him, and I've always told myslef that I wouldnt get involved with someone who has a baby mama, but now of course that has changed.

The only thing I fear is him still having feelings for his baby mama, and them ever getting back togehter. They have been together on and off for years, but now he says there's no chance of them getting back together because they don't see eye to eye and just flat out dont get alone. She was recently in a wreck, and now he let her borrow his car so that she could get around. I waited to see if he was going to tell me, but I end up asking in which he told me the truth about the situation. He's always there for his son which I think shows that he is a very mature man…always take care of his business, and I find that very attractive about him. He is a good man as well, but we we're still getting to know each other.

So what should I do? Or is there nothing to do? A little advice here!!

April says:
Wed, 5th Nov 20084:09 am 

Gabrielle, I wouldn't worry about your man and his ex getting back together. I'm sure he will always have a connection with her because they have a child, but that definitely doesn't mean they have a romantic connection.

As for him letting her borrow his car, that's only something you should worry about if they DIDN'T have a child together. Think about it like this… most of what he does for her is most likely for the benefit of his child. The mother probably really needs to have a way to get around so that she's able to take the child places or get to work so that she can keep a roof over the child's head and food on the table, and I'm sure your ex understands that.

Also, the way he's treating her.. even though they broke up and don't really get along well anymore.. shows you how great of a guy he is. If he treats her like this, think of how great he would treat you in the long run. I definitely think you should give him a chance.

kaylin says:
Thu, 27th Nov 20087:58 pm 

IM DATING A DUDE 2 WITH A KID BUT MY ONLY PROBLEM IS THEY ARE ALL ON MYSPACE WIT PICS AND STUFF HE B TELLIN HER HE LOVE HER AND SHE B LEAVIN COMMENTS THAT I LOVE YOU AND STUFF. BUT HE DIDNT KNO DAT SHE WAS PREGENT WE BOTH FIND OUT DAT SHE WAS PREGENT WEN WE WAS 2GATHER 4 BOUT 3 MONTHS AND WE BEEN HAVIN PROBLEMS ABOUT HER THEN SHE LYKE WOW IM PREGENT SO U KNO NIGGAS LOL HE DID THE RESPONSIBLE THANG AND SAID DAT WAS HIS BABY. NOW EVERYBODY KNO DAT WE GO 2GATHER AND THEY HAVE A BABY 2GATHER AND HE TOLD ME THAT SHE TRIED 2 FREAK HIM. I WANTED 2 BEAT THE HELL OUT OF HER. BUT THE ONLY THANG DAT STOPED ME WAS HIM AND MY FRIEND Y YA FEEL ME. ALL I WANNA IZ WHY IN THE HELL THEY GOTTA ACT LYKE THEY 2GATHER. I DONT LYKE HER 2 SAVE MY LIFE I LOVE HIM AND SO MUCH IN LOVE WIT HIM AND HE FEEL THE SAME WHY ALL I WANAN IZ WAT SHOULD I DO WE HAVE BEEN 2GATHER 4 8 MONTHS

nique says:
Sun, 21st Dec 200810:06 pm 

I think you should stick by your man because a GOOD black man is hard to fine. but i would have wanted to fight dat witch too…but i would have had to wooo saa! she's extra mad now because ya'll still together. Juss talk to him about how's the baby..like when he goes to the doctor with her or whatever. Try to stay in the bizz i wouldn't want to be an outsider looking in.

Jessica says:
Wed, 7th Jan 200912:15 pm 

I'm dating a baby daddy; he has twin boys. He is very mature, takes care of the boys, and the ex understands he has moved on. It was her fault they're not together. There is no drama, b/c of the kids or the babies momma… Just stupid town drama but nothing b/c of hte kids. I think he's amazing and i haven't let the fact he is a father get in my way.

laila says:
Thu, 16th Apr 20094:20 pm 

I started dating a baby daddy a month ago (after 3 yrs of nothing serious). Yes, he's amazing… very driven and intelligent and meticulous about follow through. And frankly, nothing less than him could have pulled me out of being single. The baby mama and he have been on/off for 5+ yrs. But they are definitely through now and have a plan in place for her and the child's financial security, etc.

My issue is that she is just 5 months pregnant. So the intensity of the pregnancy is just about to begin.

I feel that he is just stretched too thin with running his own company and taking care of her and the baby to have time for me (though he is very attentive and considerate).

I have children of my own. My ex and baby daddy have already met. They are both very good men and know how to smile, converse and act properly in front of each other. They both want what's best for their children (which is ultimately happy parents and healthy households).

The past few days, Baby Daddy has been a little off. I think the stress of working super strenuous,long days and taking baby mama to the doctor has put him over the edge.

As much as I don't want to, I think the best thing to do is let him go for now so that he can focus on the care of his child.

It's a long shot but I think it's best to get out of his way for now. I want to support him in this important phase of his life but I am noticing that he has seemed to have added me to his list of responsibilities rather than having me as a friend and confidante.

I appreciate all of the above comments. It's amazing how many people are in similar situations. I was feeling very secluded in my feelings until reading all of yours.

We don't have town drama (yet) because no one knows of his situation or that we are dating.

If we stopped seeing each other now it would feel like it never happened. That feels very sad to me but like it is the right thing to do in the long run.

Kristen says:
Fri, 15th May 20099:25 am 

I have been dating a guy for a year that has a 2 year old son. We are both divorced but his child came from a fling while going through his divorce. It was never meant to be anything but she is quite a bit younger, just now 23 and I am in my late twenties and he is in his early 30′s. He admits it was a huge mistake and hates he ever got involved with her. He was in a bad place and I feel she took advantage of the situation by trying to get pregnant and lying about being on birth control. Regardless they had a son together and she and the son live about 15 hours away from us, several states away. We recently moved in together and are super happy. I have never felt the way I feel about him before in my life, not even in my previous marriage. He is super caring, an extreme hard worker and not only pays a ton in child support a month but every month he takes off work and gets on a plane to be with his son. It is extremely costly but he wants to be a part of his life and loves him very much. We plan on getting married and having kids of our own someday but I cant quite seem to get past the jealousy of the fact he has already experienced having a baby with someone else. Someone who didnt deserve him and shouldn’t have had a kid to begin with. The baby mama is such drama and contacts my boyfriend multiple times a day just to make comments about their kid, or ask stupid questions, pretend she is moving to where we live, or just to tell him he is a bad dad. You never know what she is going to say and she never leaves us alone. It drives me crazy and of course I end up taking my frustration out on him and we fight about it. I really want things to work between us because I can’t imagine my life without him but I am having such a hard time dealing with all of this and being able to focus on what matters instead of getting caught up in the past.
I have never been in a relationship where I didn’t come first, I know a child’s needs should come first but I dont feel I should be second because of a mistake he made in his life. Why should I have to pay for that as well? Why can’t it be viewed that both myself and the child are equally important and that’s that.
I am hoping because his son is so young he will always know me as being with his dad and that he will want to remain in our lives and maybe live with us someday. His mother is doing the best she can but she is so young and would rather be out with her friends than be a good mom. It’s really sad how horrible she treats my boyfriend and how mentally unstable she seems at time. I know a lot of it is the fact she is very young, very immature and needs to let go of him. Deep down I know she wants to be with him and it’s why she kept the child to begin with. Part of the reason I love my boyfriend is because of how he deals with all of this. He is very strong and is able to ignore her and focus on being there for his son; he is a great father and goes out of his way so that he can spend time with him. Why am I letting my stupid insecurities hurt our relationship and why am I constantly comparing myself to the baby mama?
What is the best way to deal with all of this and how should I handle this summer when the son comes to spend 6 weeks with us? I have never met the baby mama in person, she knows I exist but doesn’t know that we live together. I am so confused and frustrated I dont know what to do……

TEEKAY says:
Sun, 28th Jun 20091:54 pm 

Ive been dating my man for a year now,and also a baby daddy 4rm his previous relationship,they have a 6 year old son,who loves daddy so so much,but baby mama doesnt want to give them time with each other 2 bond.its been 5 years now and i would say he has seen his son for a year.after breaking up because the baby mama wanted 2 mingle with other men it grew worse,as the child started calling them dad,to whicheva man she would date.and now that we are dating,he doesnt want the baby mama 2 find out about us,because he fears he is going 2 lose the son.but for her its ok 2 date other men but not ok for him 2 date.so i understand what he is going through,i know how rude the baby mama is but i cant help but think,its more than what he tells me,i sometimes think he still loves her,because if she was over her,he wouldnt be so afraid telling her he found happiness.it came 2 a point that i cried and couldnt sleep,because my happiness with him is on hold because of her.we have great plans for the future.but shes a pain…

Confused... says:
Sun, 19th Jul 20096:50 pm 

I am also with a guy who has a 6 month old son, and we have been together for almost a year (he did not cheat on me it was a one night stand prior to us meeting).

She and him got drunk, and needless to say, she did not mention she was not on birth control, although she did her ex-fiance without a condom on all the time and boasted about it, and she decides she wants to keep it, even though my guy told her the entire time he did not want it.

The family found out after she delivered and it has definately caused issues there. Not only that she does not ever stop texting him pointless stuff about the kid, even when we're together. I have told him I will go home or have him leave my place if she keeps texting him when we're together.

Also, this problem is the only thing we fight over. I hate the baby mama for my own selfish reasons, taking my chance at having his first kid, etc. Yes i do realize that is selfish and I'm working on it. It has become a major problem in our relationship and I'm sick of arguing over it.

However, she is a total bitch and has turned his own brother against him and its dividing the family over a kid no one wanted to begin with. She also gets an unbelievable amount of child support because she is too lazy to get off her butt and get a job, and when they did the paperwork only his pay was calculated into it. I know it takes alot to raise a kid, but he cannot afford to move out anymore because of the payments.

I need advice on a few things:

1) How do I get the baby mama to back off and leave us alone and put it POLITELY?

2) How can I get the child support lowered when she finally gets a job?

3) What can I expect down the road from dealing with a crazy baby mama when him and I get married and have our own kids?

4) How do I keep the kid from hating me down the road if the baby mama influences him against me?

please do not mention anything bad about him, he is a great guy and the love of my life, he just made a drunken mistake with a stupid girl.

Sophia says:
Sat, 29th Aug 200911:08 pm 

Iam married to a baby daddy and let me tell u it sucks. Not only is the mom a hore who got knocked up to get child support money,But he tells me i dont care for his daughter and that hurts me. I try to discipline her by saying dont throw things or dont hit the dog cause my husbands lets her do whatever.And he fights with me about it saying i order her around and she's not going to like me when she gets older she's three now he makes me feel awful about it. He does'nt want kids with me anytime soon so it's hard on me. iam so hurt living like this and worst part i have noone to talk to about it.And i dont know if she whould be one her mother's side when she gets older and be against me cause iam the stepmom. I advise women it's hard and it can ruin your relationship, And you get made out to be the bad one for no reason at all. I cringe when his mother talks about he ex it upsets me i feel so uncomfortable around his family. And the worst part is i love him so much that's why it hurts. But i cant live like this anymore. Dont do it! Date a man with no kids you'll be sorry.

Ruby says:
Tue, 22nd Sep 20099:49 pm 

I am dating a guy with a baby momma. when we first met everything was great. he was sweet, compassionate, caring, and so much fun to be around, all we did was laugh, smile, and I couldn't get him to keep his hands off of me.

From day one he has warned me about his baby momma drama so I would know what I was getting myself into. his drama didn't really effect my life personally and I fell in love with his son. They were together on and off for 7 yrs so obviously there is history. Before she knew about me they both said such horrible things about each other. They still lived together, but he spent most of his time with me at my place. It seems like the closer he gets to me emotionally the meaner he gets, and he blames his past relationship with her.

He always told me that things would be different when he moved out and got his own place, which he has now, but things have only gotten worse between us. Now I am having to deal with her on a daily basis calling and texting about how alone she is, how much she misses him, how she screwed up, and loves him. She has been using their son as a reason for her to stay at his house or to get him to stay at hers. I care about him and like him so much but lately I can't help but wonder if she is more important, if he will leave me for her, or if its even worth it? someone please give me some advice?!

Baby mamma says:
Sat, 31st Oct 20092:21 am 

this is a reply to confused message first of all you need to consider if you really care about this guy enough to accept he has a child to provided for wanted or not. Second child support is based on earnings only ( not sure why). To answer question 1) try having HIM speak with her and stated to only contact him when neccassary. (DON'T EXPECT HER TO COMPLETELY BACK OFF BECAUSE IF YOU CONTINUE WITH THIS GUY YOU MAY HAVE TO PUT UP WITH HER FOR THE NEXT 18 YEAR OR LONGER) so try to be friends if possible. 2) Child support has nothing to do with her not having a job even if she did he would still have to pay child support. 3) when and if you have children or get married speaking as a baby mamma i wouldn't really care. Last question try winning the child over on thier own terms show them your not a bad person just confused (P.S. DON'T HATE ON BABY MAMMAS) She may have lied about being on birth control but it takes two to make a baby and being drunk is no excuse

http://www.greenorga says:
Wed, 5th May 20109:05 pm 

If I was really attracted to the girl, I would mind if she had a baby or a kid. (one criteria is that the kid is a baby girl). I can't stand the naughtyness of a screaming boy.

I will take care of the baby girl and the wife and treat it as my own. But I'd really have to love the girl very much.

Lotina Sharp says:
Wed, 30th Jun 20102:49 pm 

DONT DO IT!!!!! I just broke up with my BF after being madly in love and having the most passionate relationship for more than a year. I learned from the relationship that I hate kids. I guess I hadn't realized before or something. I've always known I don't want children but I just can't figure out why his son has driven me to hate kids. I love my nieces and nephews, buy them anything they want. Can deal with thier crying and bad behavior but not other kids! I know hating children don't sit well with some, that's why I broke it all off. His son was just such a wierd little fuck. He gets spooked and starts crying around strangers. Children do that but not to this extreme. It's like he becomes paralyzed and silently cries & pees like a little bitch. I hate it and my ex would cater to it like it was normal. I wanted to yell at him. THAT SHIT ISN'T NORMAL!!! He had swine flu over a year ago and it's completely gone but he's still pretending to be sick for attention. I hate the little motherfucker had to chuck the duesces on his ass. And they want you to interact with thier kids. Fuck that, get him outta my face for I throw the fuck up. I hate the way his head is shape I just wanna mentally run away from where ever I'm at to escape the image of his head in my mind!

diva2013 says:
Sun, 31st Oct 20105:22 pm 

I'm currently in college and i'm dating a guy who has a kid. he and i have a very strong relationship but the only problem is that my parents don't like him. my parents feel as though he isn't good enough for me because he has a daughter, but yet they have no desire in getting to know him. should i break up with him just because my parents don't like him? or should i focus on me and my happiness? he's very positive,strong and he's also a go getter. i'm totally confused about all of this. i love him and my parents but i don't like having to choose…when i'm in love with him

D3$ says:
Thu, 31st Mar 20115:13 pm 

April. Would this still be the case if he and the childs mother still lived together well after the childs 1st birthday???

Lux says:
Mon, 25th Jul 20113:33 pm 

If he has kid's leave him alone. I am in love with a man who completely puts them first. I know it is politically correct for people to do that, but i don't care. People without children shouldn't date people with, because you are always second and it hurts. I didn't know what i was getting my self into and now its too late my heart is involved. I had to move away from our hometown after being and living together for 4 yrs.Do you think he came with me? No he had to stay back because of the kids. And me like a dummy sits up here miserable and crying all the time because he i s always gone and i am lonely, but i don't want to cheat. The worst part is i cannot be mad because i know what i was getting myself into but i didn't care, and i suffer all the time. Unless you always want to be second and come in second, be treated like your not shit because when they need something, he has to run, don't do it. Leave that piece of shit to find some raggedy ass baby momma and the can enjoy their fucking rug rats together.

donna says:
Mon, 22nd Aug 20113:32 pm 

Hi, I am 43 and some people say that single fathers are all that are out there. I totally disagree. While there are more men with kids at my age, there are still men without kids. I did it once and I was miserable. A single woman without childen has to accept being 2nd or 3rd best and that is something I cannot accept. Some one may say that is selfish. Selfish? To expect to have drama free dating? To expect to keep the hard earned money that I made to go towards someone elses kids college, wedding?I think it is incredibly selfish of a single dad to want to date a woman without children. Its funny, my female friend with 2 kids was dating a man with two kids. The man broke it off with her because he wanted to date a woman without kids. How insane is that? I really would rather be alone then to ever date a man with kids. I may accept it if his kid is an adult but that would be the only case

donna says:
Mon, 22nd Aug 20113:37 pm 

I dated a man with 2 kids at age 34. My parents did not like him also because he had 2 children. They felt that he was getting the better end of the stick and so he was. Well, for a variety of reasons I broke it off with him. I know that my parents want the best for me and I am sure your parents do also so go with what your parents say no matter how old you are. They want the best for you.

krissy says:
Tue, 3rd Jan 20122:53 am 

i agree with everything April said but as far as the situation where they are still living together I would be very cautious of that.

Shay says:
Wed, 25th Jan 20122:07 pm 

@ Confused

Here is my advice:

1) You can't get the baby mama to back off, what your man needs to do is step up to the plate and let her know its not ok to be contacting him late at night if that is the case. You can't control when she txts or calls him if you and him happen to be together. I'm sure she's not seeing you together and purposefully contacting him. If she is stalking you guys then that's a problem and not acceptable on her part. He needs to take care of issues between he and her for the sake of the child immediately that day so that he can move onto more important things like his relationship with you. Always remember his child with this woman will always be a part of his life. If you happen to be jealous than replace that jealously with optimism and positivety. (I'm not saying your jealous) Trust me I been there. Don't provoke this woman in anyway…the less she sees you the better. Be aloof when it comes to her. Don't give her any reason to intervene in your relationship. You be the MATURE aloof woman.

Shay says:
Wed, 25th Jan 20122:09 pm 

2) If she gets a job, have him take her to court. He will need documentation showing his finances and he will need to explain why he can't afford bla bla bla and what would work for him when presenting his case to the judge. Sit in the very back of the court if you must go where she cannot see you( remember the less she sees you the better, less drama). If it is not possible to be in court without her seeing you than have someone else go on your behalf and then they may later relay the message to you.

Shay says:
Wed, 25th Jan 20122:10 pm 

3)She may or may not be crazier. Just pray she finds happiness in her own life so that she can stop making a mess of yours. The more he puts his foot down with her the better. Depends on what kinda crazy individual she is. Remember the quicker he takes care of the issues with her the better it will be for you and he both. And you also have to ask yourself is this guy worth it? Not trying to be mean but be honest with yourself.

Shay says:
Wed, 25th Jan 20122:10 pm 

4) Talk to your man about the childs behavior towards you and hopefully he will be man enough to sit his kid down and tell his kid what is and isn't acceptible behavior towards you. His kid needs to be respectfull of you no matter what. And you also need to tell his kid infront of him that he needs to be repspectful and warn your man you will verbalise to his kid that he needs to be respectful towards you and not run all over you. Mind you, if you all will be living together it needs to be a respectfull love filled household.