Unemployed? No Worries! Here are Some Future Jobs!

The country is getting ready for a terrible recession. Banks are folding and getting bailed out by loans from the FED (which has federal in the name but is private). Scientists are trying to rip open space and time using the Large Hadron Collider. Someone like Sarah Palin is officially close to being involved in a presidency.

The signs are there: the world is going to end. And while I’m sure no one can get a godd*mn job right now (lord knows I can’t), we can at least look forward to the post apocalyptic job market that’ll present itself once the gaping maw of darkness spreads wide, and evil once again walks our planet.

Here are some jobs you may want to start building a resume for.

Motorcycle Pirate

Everyone knows two things run rampant in all post-apocalyptic scenarios: piracy and motorcycles. It’s only natural that these two things will be combined. The typical setting for piracy, the high seas, will naturally be off limits thanks to its new, boiling temperature and thousands of large squid (oh, they’re coming). Any experience using cycle-type vehicles, including ATVs, motorcycles with sidecars, and those weird three-wheel choppers is a plus.

These roving gangs of men and women will pray on the villages that remain after the world’s collapse, taking what they need to survive and possibly more — depending on their allegiances. With a myriad of guilds to choose from, it’s a worker’s market. Will you join the Diesel Apes? Or perhaps the more ecologically minded Ethanol Crusade?

People not comfortable with goggles need not apply.

Arena Warrior

When the end of time finally comes to fruition, most ‘applicable skills’ will be based around the lowest of human instincts. Can you channel your customer service experience into a desire to kill other humans? Or maybe mutated animals? Then arena warrior is for you. A life of bloody celebrity, fighting in the arena is only for those interested in true glory. Reality television stars who survive the atom bombs will fit the position well.

Fight for recognition and respect from your new demon overlords. Please send a color head shot, measurements, and whatever weapon you identify with most (trident and net).

Servant to one of the 8 Great Beings of Darkness

Feeling less then human since the apocalypse? Losing your ability to love and care? Were you upper to middle management / human resources before ‘the great fall’? Then demon servitude is for you!

Your ability to bullsh*t, lie, and step on other people to keep your own job even in the face of incompetence will keep you alive. Necessary skills include groveling, serving a bizarre myriad of human and animal flesh, and interviewing incoming employees. Paid vacations and dental. You may be branded with the seal of the eight.

Crystal Farmer

Currency means nothing. Additionally, when the apocalypse comes, it will mean even less. The value of something is directly related to its shiny-ness in the eyes of apocalyptic demon lords, and so we too must adopt this system. Someone with money on the mind? You’ll fit in perfect toiling in the mines as a crystal farmer.

First you get the shinies, then you get the power, then you get the women (or men), then you use the various geodes and stalactites you’ve pulled from the earth to buy life’s finer things: water, food, and various types of ‘power armor’ that protects you from the new species of sentient mosquito/bear hybrid that inhabit the mines (Bearsquito). Accounts with strong backs wanted. Bring your own canary.

Village Leader

Did you have an important but thankless and overall financially unfulfilling job before the devil’s ascension? Valuable sh*t that nobody cared about because the roads didn’t involve camera time and a big pay check? Teacher? Doctor? Social Worker? Congratulations! You have the fortitude to take the shivering masses that remain since ‘the unCreation’ and form working and livable villages. You are officially important to people, and all it took was the MOTHERF*CKING APOCALYPSE.

Try not to let your righteous indignation get in the way of teaching people how to actually garden, ride bicycles, and do basic math.

…At least we won’t have to dress up for interviews.