College Candy

The primal sense of empowerment I get from the act of performing roadhead on an unexpecting driver is the top reason I’m a fan. (Asking for service usually results in the service station being closed for the season.) I realize I probably shouldn’t imply all this in one of my first CollegeCandy posts, but rest assured, I’m no roadhead addict. I’m very selective; in fact, my satisfaction is truly only the result of a singular victim.

Being dirty is always a turn-on. Unexpectedly being dirty is an even bigger turn-on; plotting your move between interstate signs and fluctuating traffic, precisely calculating your plan in an almost algorithmic poem. Knowing that you’re about to pounce on your victim as he’s pondering hot wings, crapping at the next rest stop, and while his left testicle is falling asleep crushed upon the relentless seat. Sure, guys are disgusting, but we clearly love them to please them.

The first glance communicating the coming act is the most powerful, letting him know you’ve been strategically planning your sexual endeavor. Though you’re interrupting his man fantasies of dynamite and dinosaurs, he’ll be pleasantly surprised and uncontrollably aroused as you crawl across the seat, ass perked up, and doing whatever naughty things below the belt that drives your victim-of-choice over the edge.

The most gratifying portion of the act as a whole is his helplessness — and the adorable post-satisfaction grin that he can’t wipe off his face till his next cheeseburger and Number Two.

I am proud to admit the sole responsibility of one roadhead-induced speeding ticket.

Though I must admit I admire the ability of the male victim to maintain his composure, I know it’s quite difficult to responsibly do your job in the driver seat with a face buried between your legs. Maybe they should replace all of those “marijuana” public service announcements with roadhead public service announcement? Put the pedal to the medal, big daddy.

My only fear? This creepy thing. Surely nothing in this world called an “Auto Suck” that plugs into an AC adaptor could be sexier than a lovely female with a mischievous mind?!