Gettin’ Dirty Behind the Wheel 101

September 20, 2008     Posted in Relationships, Sex

130_0707_12_z2007_subaru_impreza_wrx_stiinterior_gear_shift.jpgThe primal sense of empowerment I get from the act of performing roadhead on an unexpecting driver is the top reason I’m a fan. (Asking for service usually results in the service station being closed for the season.) I realize I probably shouldn’t imply all this in one of my first CollegeCandy posts, but rest assured, I’m no roadhead addict. I’m very selective; in fact, my satisfaction is truly only the result of a singular victim.


By Ashley

Being dirty is always a turn-on. Unexpectedly being dirty is an even bigger turn-on; plotting your move between interstate signs and fluctuating traffic, precisely calculating your plan in an almost algorithmic poem. Knowing that you’re about to pounce on your victim as he’s pondering hot wings, crapping at the next rest stop, and while his left testicle is falling asleep crushed upon the relentless seat. Sure, guys are disgusting, but we clearly love them to please them.

The first glance communicating the coming act is the most powerful, letting him know you’ve been strategically planning your sexual endeavor. Though you’re interrupting his man fantasies of dynamite and dinosaurs, he’ll be pleasantly surprised and uncontrollably aroused as you crawl across the seat, ass perked up, and doing whatever naughty things below the belt that drives your victim-of-choice over the edge.

The most gratifying portion of the act as a whole is his helplessness — and the adorable post-satisfaction grin that he can’t wipe off his face till his next cheeseburger and Number Two.

I am proud to admit the sole responsibility of one roadhead-induced speeding ticket.

Though I must admit I admire the ability of the male victim to maintain his composure, I know it’s quite difficult to responsibly do your job in the driver seat with a face buried between your legs. Maybe they should replace all of those “marijuana” public service announcements with roadhead public service announcement? Put the pedal to the medal, big daddy.

My only fear? This creepy thing. Surely nothing in this world called an “Auto Suck” that plugs into an AC adaptor could be sexier than a lovely female with a mischievous mind?!

9 Comments on "Gettin’ Dirty Behind the Wheel 101"

  1. snarktastic says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20081:15 pm 

    k-lassy.

  2. Brittney says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20083:15 pm 

    First off, this is incredibly dangerous. I don't care how hot it is, you should never do something – especially in a vehicle – that could prove dangerous for other, noninvolved parties.

    Second of all, "I am proud to admit the sole responsibility of one roadhead-induced speeding ticket". Really? You are PROUD of that? You must not be achieving very much in your life to find pride in a speeding ticket.

    Finally, it's disgusting how much this article plays into gender stereotypes (" Sure, guys are disgusting, but we clearly love them to please them."), ("Though you’re interrupting his man fantasies of dynamite and dinosaurs, he’ll be pleasantly surprised and uncontrollably aroused as you crawl across the seat, ass perked up, and doing whatever naughty things below the belt that drives your victim-of-choice over the edge.)

    College Candy talks about sex quite often, but this is the first time I've ever been angry after reading a column on here.

  3. Laura says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20083:23 pm 

    PATHETIC!

  4. J - NYU says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20084:03 pm 

    There is most assuredly humor in this article, girls…

  5. J says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20085:08 pm 

    This ranks high above dynamite and dinosaurs on the list of man fantasies. I wish there were more girls like you around… oh and also cars that can go on autopilot when necessary so that we can assuage any fears brought up about responsible driving and all that.

  6. kaTie says:
    Sat, 20th Sep 20085:37 pm 

    It's just an article. She doesn't seem to be in any way advocating this type of sexual behavior. We're big girls, Brittney. Don't take these things so seriously. I peruse this site for entertainment. If I wanted to be enlightened, I wouldn't be visiting this site.

  7. Laura says:
    Sun, 21st Sep 20088:27 pm 

    The subject is iffy and the writing is predictable and generic (very Cosmo-esque). Honestly I'm not too impressed with CC right now.

    overall, kind of lame.

  8. Ashley says:
    Wed, 24th Sep 20083:21 pm 

    As the writer, I must admit, I assumed more people would find this humorous.. most of the lines in this article are COMPLETELY sarcastic.. (dinosaurs & dynamite!?!?) Come on, ladies! If you're too uptight to laugh, then I apologize. It's certainly not like most ladies have NEVER done this once.. and more importantly, it's not like I truly thrive on constant performance of road-head.. it was genuinely sarcastic, ridiculous, and most of all- hyperbolic.

    Sorry to offend all the safe, anti-road-head ladies out there.

  9. Lizzie says:
    Tue, 14th Oct 200812:35 pm 

    I'm not a big fan of roadhead, but this article cracked me up. Maybe I'll have to give it another shot lol.

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