Without Their Guitars, They are U-G-L-Y

Admit it. I’m sure most of you have met THIS guy at a party. He’s not exactly attractive (or is downright HAGGARD) and you don’t bother giving him the time of day, let alone a conversation. Then all of sudden, he picks up a guitar and it’s like a halo appears over his head.

His tangled beard is no longer gross, now it’s “rugged.” His dirty sneakers don’t reek anymore, now they’re “vintage.” It’s like there is some secret blinders installed in every single guitar on the planet that are ignited the second the boy starts strumming. And, speaking from experience, it becomes even worse when they play one of “your songs.” Unexpectedly, the ugly boy has become a guitar god in your eyes and you are smitten.

Sadly, this phenomenon isn’t exclusive to us mere mortals. It’s carried over into the world of celebrity, granting horrible to mediocre-looking fellows a chance to shine too. In fact, without their guitars, it’s doubtful whether these five men would have had a career at all because, god knows, they don’t have the looks to carry them through Hollywood.

1. Kurt Cobain

I know, I know. Let him rest in peace already. I am a HUGE Nirvana fan and, yes, I may find him sexy. But seriously, take another look at the dude! He’s about 5′5, his hair always looks like he rubbed Crisco through it, and he really wasn’t any good at hiding the whole drug-addict thing. His face is sallow and sunken in and he is emaciated! His clothes were always multiple sizes too big and full of moth holes and stains. Admit it, if you passed him on the street, you are more likely to offer him some spare change and direct him to the nearest soup kitchen instead of taking him home to serenade you all night long.

2. Jack White

Last summer I had the opportunity to see a free White Stripes show with only about thirty people there, which gave me an up close and personal view of Jack. And let me tell you, he is no prettier in person. He is absolutely pasty white, giving off the whole “I vant to suck your blood!” vibe. Like, no joking, I’m not sure if this guy has EVER seen the sun. Paired with his jet-black hair, the stark contrast is somewhat overwhelming. Besides that, he just looks like a huge creep. I would expect to see him lurking by playgrounds or slipping girls roofies at a party, not commanding an entire stadium with his guitar riffs.

3. Keith Richards

The senior citizen of the bunch, Keith Richards’ sexiness can only be accredited to his guitar. You may find his inclusion in this list to be strange, but I know lots of girls (myself shamefully included) who find him irresistible. Besides being old enough to be my grandfather, his style choices are not exactly aces. Sporting tight pants, a shiny button-down shirt and usually some odd form of trench coat, he reminds me of a wizard. And then he throws on those ridiculous headbands. With beads.

I mean, come on, anyone who was Johnny Depp’s inspiration for a PIRATE cannot be considered a looker. If it wasn’t for his guitar, he would be someone’s alcoholic grandpa, sitting in the nursing home and no one but his Tuesday night bridge club would give him a second glance.

4. James Blunt

Don’t lie. As soon as you read his name, one of James Blunt’s soulful tunes started playing in your head. Whether it was “You’re Beautiful” or “Goodbye My Lover,” it tugged at your heartstrings. And that is precisely why James Blunt is on this list! Some people consider him dreamy, but seriously, take away that guitar and let’s see what we have left. A slightly pudgy fellow, with greasy brown hair. And NOTHING ELSE.

Okay, we’ll give him the British accent, it definitely adds to the charm, but this one still baffles me. It’s not enough that he dated Petra Nemacova, a MODEL, but apparently the dude is a huge player. Let’s give it up to James Blunt for rising above and conquering booty with only a guitar.

5. Ric Ocasek

Lead singer of The Cars. This one doesn’t even get a write-up; just check out the picture of Ric and then check out his wife. WTF.