Ladies, I’m sure you’ll agree with me: one of the most important aspects in any serious relationship is the sex. There’s no denying the physical and emotional needs for it, so what happens when you’re not getting any? I had never anticipated being in a sexless relationship, so it came as a shock when my guy had a confession: he valued love and intimacy over the physical act of sex.
Right.
Naturally, it was a blow to my self-esteem. Was it me? Was I not sexy enough? Did the thought of me naked make his manhood shrivel with disgust?
This is where the ever-important “honesty” came in. I expressed my self-doubt to him, and he explained how he’d come out of a really bad long-term relationship and he wanted commitment, not just wild nights. Being the amazing, understanding girlfriend I am (yeah right), I supported his needs for an emotional connection.
It drove me crazy. I had no idea how to handle this situation. We were ridiculously into each other… just not literally. And after a while, it started to suck. Again…not in the way I wanted. What’s a girl to do? Well, buy a battery-operated buddy, to start.
After a while, though, I realized maybe we were (gasp!) better off sex free! How could I ever think that? For one, we had no need to worry about condoms or me missing my period. And we were really enjoying one another in a way I had never really known before. I even began to think that maybe sex was overrated.
Yes, I too thought I was losing my mind.
But as we spent more and more time together – without all the physical stuff – I realized that this was the real thing. There are so many more important aspects to our relationship. We have 6-year age gap, so we’re learning how to manage a real relationship outside of college, which I’ve found to be harder than dating someone on campus. It also taught me that intimacy doesn’t come from sex, it comes from being happy with what you have.
Would I recommend a sexless relationship? They’re not for everybody. Am I happy? Absolutely. What about you? Have any of you been in sex-free relationships?
Belle says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20085:38 pm
I think it’s great that both of you are happy, but I still don’t understand why you couldn’t have both sex and emotional connection. What is your guy worried about exactly?
Davis says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20086:20 pm
I’m glad that you’re happy, but I find the idea of being in a sexless romance strange. I can’t really seem to get my mind around the idea that a guy could not want sex. But, so long as you’re both happy, it shouldn’t matter, right?
Jessica says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20086:46 pm
I admire you all. I know it’s tough, but it really takes your relationship to a whole new level- a level that you wouldn’t know existed if all you know is a sex-”full” relationship.
As long as the sexless part doesn’t continue forever, I think it’s awesome.
Sarah says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20087:15 pm
Dude is gay, sorry.
tissue says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20087:26 pm
I’m in one myself rather…but I think it forces you to be more creative and in the process, know each other on another level.
There’s so much to do and so many places to go. It’s pretty good I think!
Sam says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20087:44 pm
Glad it works for you guys. I’m not sure I could do it though.
Krissy says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20088:51 pm
my boyfriend & i are waiting til we’re married. i know that sounds cliche – & its the first relationhip like this for me – but i love it. i know he loves ME and not the sex. & i mean we do stuff, just not sex. & we both can’t wait til we do have sex, its just not yet =)
Saturn V says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20089:22 pm
I think you’re deceiving yourself Samantha. I have had a sexless relationship. I was ok with the idea at first too, because I was too young to know what was normal. I liked having a girlfriend and enjoyed her company. The no-sex thing started eating away at me though.
She would behave completely differently when we were hanging out with friends, suggestively acting like we had lots of sex. She went out of her way to show me off to her friends. It was all drama. She wanted it to appear to her friends that we had a normal, sexual relationship.
She was gay.
Sarah is right – your dude is gay. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship.
http://talkinghead.ca
beth says:
Sat, 27th Sep 20089:52 pm
I have to wonder if he is gay as well… no guy who’s had sex with a woman suddenly wants to stop having sex.
snarktastic says:
Sat, 27th Sep 200810:47 pm
gay, really? unimaginative. i was guessing tranny.
in all non-bitchy seriousness, it’ll make it that much better when you guys *do* start having sex. unless he has a mal-formed penis or something. that’ll be awkward.
Samantha C. says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200812:06 am
I appreciate all the feedback, but let me make it clear: I KNOW he’s not gay.
To agree with Tissue, Snarktastic, and Krissy, it’s a personal choice. It doesn’t make someone gay. We don’t act differently around our friends, or pretend we’re involved when we’re not. We’re like any other couple, minus what goes on in the privacy of our bedrooms. I also don’t feel as though sex has to be a part of a “healthy” relationship. Some couples choose to be celibate until marriage.
Star says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200812:26 am
I agree. Sex can or cannot be part of a relationship but it’s up to the people. Those who say you must have sex for a healthy relationship make me wonder if they’ve ever been in a real relationship. It scares me that some people can’t imagine what it would be like to be with someone other than for sex.
leebee says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200812:57 am
I totally agree with Star.
Sex doesn’t equal a better relationship. In order for mature relationships to work there must be more than sex. Think about the long term if you decide to have children and grow old with someone… it won’t be easy to get to sex if you have a full work schedule and a couple of kids. In order for relationships to last you need more than a sexual attraction for a person. You need to be able to get more creative and share intimate moments with each other that don’t include sex. Plus, the lack of sex all the time will make the times you DO get together even more special and magnetic.
If you choose to grow old with someone, sex certainly wont be the most important thing in your lives. If you get sick, sex wont keep you together. It’s the emotional connection more than a physical connection that will keep the relationship and spark going.
I’m not in a sexless relationship, but we definitely don’t do it too often. But when we do it’s even more intense. And it certainly doesn’t hurt our relationship.
Ash says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20081:32 am
I’m in a sexless relationship.
My boyfriend’s an awesome, healthy twenty year old, and we’ve both been involved in sexual relationships before.
Our relationship is relatively new, so we’re testing the waters and decided it’s better to wait until we know each other better.
I’ve never been so happy with someone, and he’s expressed the same to me. We’re completely content in each other’s company.
And, to agree with Tissue, it makes you get more creative. We’re learning each other, and I think it’s amazing.
I think when someone says that couples who take the initiative to connect without sex are “not normal” and that “the guy is gay” are making themselves sound very ignorant.
OohLaLaLisa says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20083:23 am
My husband and I just “celebrated” ten years of marriage this month. We were an internet couple – had extremely hot phone/online sex on a near-daily basis (I was on the west coast, he on the east coast). Prior to our first in-person meeting, he suggested that we not have an intimate relationship, as we were just getting to know one another, and I thought that was very smart/respectful/cool. Over the next few months, he moved to California, and we lived together, but decided to *wait* for marriage. That’s when I spent a week on Maui, and three days in Oahu on my wedding/honeymoon, with the marriage never consummated during that time. I cannot begin to express the rejection, loneliness and humiliation I felt when he snapped my head off as I tried to initiate things on our wedding night.
To be fair, I did marry an older man, and he was eventually diagnosed with vascular disease that prevented him from … well…firming up. He’s had surgery to correct things, taken Viagra too, but the very few times we’ve connected, it’s been so perfunctory, passionless, and just leaves me cold. Finally about six years ago, I stopped caring at all. We have not had sex in that time. He’s a great roommate … he’s *there* for me in dealing with an aging parent, he manages our finances, and he’s a great organizer. But, I’ve had to give up the dream of having a biological child, and I’m left fantasizing about the really great sex I had prior to our getting together. Since I’ve been married before, what I don’t want is another marriage down the toilet, and I’m not sure at this age (mid-40’s) that being single is all that great an option anyhow. Morally, I’m opposed to extra-marital affairs, but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to hold out. The worst part is, he is unwilling to talk about it – so we end up fighting. I’m guessing that he has some extreme intimacy issues, since the phone-sex was so good, but the physical has taken a dump. Oh, and he’s not gay … this I do know.
I would just caution anyone who enters into a relationship that excludes physical intimacy to really take a hard look and consider the what-ifs …
what says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20083:50 am
dudes not gay, girls are just dumb when they think that =P
Lulu says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20083:52 am
Lisa, if you’re in your 40s, why are you on a website for college girls?
Katherine says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200812:37 pm
i think having a sexless relationship is totally all right. i’m in one my self. my bf and i both agree that sex is a big thing and it’s not something we want to risk (babies and stuff). i’m saving myself for marriage and he totally respects that. i love him for doing so.
Laura says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20084:42 pm
Okay… just to clarify, you don’t have a “sexless relationship” if you are waiting until you get married, get more involved, etc. A sexless relationship is: “Sex doesn’t matter, and it’s just not gonna happen”
What you’re doing is called “Waiting”
Rebel224Rebel says:
Sun, 28th Sep 20085:08 pm
I say kudos! I admire the emotional stability it takes to feel like it’s an unnecessary part of your relationship. That’s fantastic. I’m “waiting” but since I’m single it’s for nobody in particular yet… and any casual relationship I develop is sexless, especially if I don’t see the point in waiting for/with him. Sooo…. yeah, congrats.
OohLaLaLisa says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200811:23 pm
Well Lulu, thanks so much for your concern ~
I stumbled on this site via a link from a more “age appropriate” 40-something website.
I’ll agree, fueled by a bit too much wine, I probably shared more than necessary – but really, was anyone hurt or offended by my post here? If so, I apologize, College Candy girls!
In all honesty, I was just trying to provide a little food-for-thought on this topic, since I know a little bit of what I speak.
But I realize that you, dear Lulu, probably have ALL of the answers. Just like I did when I was your age.
girl says:
Sun, 28th Sep 200811:26 pm
are you sure he doesn’t have an STD and doesn’t want to tell you? I’ve seen this happen more than a handful of times. It’s worth asking.
Kelly says:
Mon, 29th Sep 200812:03 am
Lulu – very immature and rude response
I think it was very cool and helpful of you to share your story, Lisa. Thanks!
Ericka says:
Mon, 29th Sep 20081:20 am
I am really surprised at these responses. I only started having sex a year ago, a month into my SEVENTH relationship. I wanted to wait for the real deal. Sex is so, so, so much more than just physical pleasure… but only if you don’t fck it up.
I really appreciate this article. I wish more people were willing to keep it in their fcking pants.
Belle says:
Mon, 29th Sep 20089:40 am
I still don’t see why you can’t have sex and have a real, loving relationship. What exactly will sex detract? Is he waiting until marriage? Waiting until you’re in a more committed place or know each other better? Maybe you don’t want to share your guy’s personal reasons, but it would be interesting to hear for sure.
Kelly M. says:
Mon, 29th Sep 200812:03 pm
I think it is important – but not the only important – aspect of a relationship, to express your emotions in a physical nature, within the given time you’re both comfortable. However, do you two (and pardon for being so personal) fool around in other aspects? If not, I’d say something may be off with him. I know you want to get to know each other, but no physical contact is a sign something’s up.
Jenny-WMU says:
Mon, 29th Sep 20081:09 pm
Samantha, I’ve been there! Except I was dating a younger guy (four years) and he was a virgin. Which made me feel kinda slutty for wanting sex. Sigh.
Some Guy says:
Wed, 1st Oct 20085:58 am
Sex is an effect, not a cause. The guy wants to be your buddy, not your lover, and that’s fine and dandy. Don’t let it keep you from finding a man.
Defender says:
Wed, 1st Oct 200810:13 pm
Hi. I’m a guy and I’m not Gay.
I came across this site randomly in my internet travels and you’re all having a very good discussion. All valid questions and insight. Thought provoking.
Personally, I’m in a sexless relationship.
From my perspective, I’ve seen many a relationship which focused on sex not turn out as well as those focused on emotional stability. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, it’s just that it’s another level of commitment neither of us are interested in at the moment.
Our situation is a bit different, as we’re both in college and working full/part time jobs. We enjoy each others company immensely but don’t know where this transitional point in our lives will take us and I feel neither of us really want a more physical attraction that would lead to emotional strings which could affect our futures.
It also doesn’t help that I personally want no children ever nor am I interested in Marriage and I’ve made this quite clear. She does want a few kids and marraige someday so that’s also turning me off to an extent as I feel morally obligated to not lead anyone on but we still spend much of our time enjoying each others company.
I guess you can say I’m in the friend-zone but in a way I’ve placed myself there on purpose. Nobody wants emotional baggage and during transitional times in life and from past relationship experience having things change quickly and unexpectedly could have an adverse effect on each others future.
Besides, I don’t want kids and hate condoms. I’d rather not have sex than put a plastic bag over myself. May seem strange but not every guy is all about banging anything with 2 legs and a pair of breasts and take time to find people of substance. Just my opinion and from seeing many other relationships Sex is important, but it’s not the most important factor in the solid foundation of any relationship.
It’s easy to get laid (generally speaking), it’s hard to find someone to care about (with or without sex).
Just an opinion from the other side of the Genderpool.
Joe says:
Fri, 3rd Oct 20081:57 am
another “elderly” person here who just might have some pearls of wisdom for you young whipper-snappers.
college is a time to explore and get all the kinks out of your system. that means if you dont do it (sex, drugs, etc etc) now, then you will likely not have the opportunity to try it again, at least without a care in the world. When life catches up with you, and you find yourself married with kids or with a time-consuming job, or some other responsibility, or god forbid in poor health, you’ll be wishing you had been more wild and crazy when you had the chance. There is plenty of time to be dull later on in life, believe me.
Allison says:
Tue, 21st Oct 20088:10 am
First off, I just want to say how friggin’ much I love this website. I just discovered it and felt the need to write a note about it on Facebook. That’s how much I love it.
Now, to the point. My parents don’t have sex. They haven’t in 4 years, apparently. This came from my mother after one too many glasses of a full-bodied Pinot. Now, I was completely shocked. My parents have been married for a long, long time and they never seemed unhappy, or like a bickering couple. But the whole no-sex thing (my dad has diabetes and can’t get it up anymore…He’s like 55! Give him a break!) isn’t good enough for my mom and she wants to continue her affair with the landscaper Desperate Housewives-style (another shocking confession I was just as *eager* to hear after about the second bottle of wine). My parents have a wonderful relationship based on trust and love and understanding and yet the fact that they don’t do it anymore is leading to the inevitable Big D. So I guess, in reference to what leebee said (”If you choose to grow old with someone, sex certainly wont be the most important thing in your lives. If you get sick, sex wont keep you together. It’s the emotional connection more than a physical connection that will keep the relationship and spark going) I just have to say that this isn’t true.
Oh and Lisa, I’m kind of wondering if you’re actually my mom. But that’s impossible.
I guess my question is: Am I selfish for expecting my mom to remain in a sexless marriage if everything else is going well? What about TIL DEATH DO YOU PART? What about that? Isn’t that what happens when couples grow older? Don’t they just stop having sex? I don’t know…I just don’t know anymore…
Jaybaby says:
Wed, 29th Oct 20081:56 am
Allison. Sorry to hear about your parents. it isn’t your place to mention the following to your mother. But if Your father’s condition irreparable, then maybe he could pleasure her in other ways with or without toys? This might help the missing sexual component in their relationship.
EAC says:
Tue, 23rd Dec 20081:35 am
i have been in a 4…going on 5 year relationship with my guy and it has been.yes….SEX FREE. we are both more into the relationship and think that sex wil cause more problems than its worth. i would reccomend this to anyone…why? if you are in the relationship for the long hall..its an AMAZING thing. you will learn alot about your mate and alot about yourself. oh, and if it matters we are both under the age of 22.
Travis says:
Tue, 28th Apr 20095:22 am
Look at me being a thread necro.
First of all.
Defender: Hi. I’m a guy and I’m not Gay. (yet)
You have no intentions of children, marriage, want no physical relationship? Sounds like you are just keeping your mind off what you really want by staying close to a female friend.
To everybody in here claiming to be engaged in a sexless relationship, or pulling off celibacy in the most hormone driven times of your lives. I ask you, what is the true purpose of sex? Some may state the obvious with saying it is purely for procreation, others claim for the former + physical pleasure, and some as the culmination of all feelings a couple feels for each other. I personally believe the latter. What “complications” (besides the obvious pregnancy or STD) could being in a physically intimate relationship upholster? Sleeping with somebody on the first date is an obvious sign the relationship is going nowhere. But say you’ve been dating for a few months, maybe close to a year, the intimacy slowly grew from heavy make out sessions to everything *but* sex. If you’ve been together that long, learned that much about each other, why would you intentionally put a stop to the growing of your relationship?
Sex is the ULTIMATE form of expression to your partner. There is no greater way in the world to express how much you love somebody than through the peak of passion. You’re cheating yourself out of the “intimacy” you claim that doesn’t actually come from physical touch.
MC says:
Thu, 2nd Jul 20098:45 am
Sex is an evolutionary imperative. Controlling the urge is simple enough – but there is always an outlet. There are priests all over the planet who can’t stop diddling little boys even on pain of eternal damnation.
If you are able to completely repress the sex drive (or it’s not there), something is wrong (in the poster’s case, her guy suffered emotional damage that has not been resolved). There are certain parts of human physiology that we should not be able to completely eliminate.
And (not to be funny) you don’t know that he’s not gay, although statistically I doubt it. But married guys with children realize they’re gay at 40 or 50 years of age all the time. Hell, you might meet the right woman and find your brain re-wiring itself to fit her.
But it is clear that his aversion to sex is a defense mechanism. It is not a reasoned choice. Okay, assume he freely chooses not to have sex. Would he be capable of having sex if he tried? What if you want kids?
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