The Jewish New Year: Forgive Me For My (Many) Sins

Tonight at sundown Jews all over the world will begin celebrating one of our holiest of holidays: Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year). Unlike the traditional American New Year where we make resolutions for the upcoming year, this 2 day holiday is spent asking for forgiveness for all the mistakes we made over the past year.

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR).

- I am sorry for talking badly behind people’s backs all year. I am also sorry that I will do it again next year.

- I am sorry for stealing internet from you, upstairs neighbor. But you should be sorry for waking me up at 6am on weekends while having (LOUD) sex with your boyfriend.

- I am sorry for this.

God I love this holiday. The apples and honey, the family meals, and the fact that all my wrong doings can be erased simply by asking. I can see why Lindsay Lohan wants to be a jew.

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