College Candy

It’s 4:30am. You just got home from the bar and all you want is food. In your belly. Right now.

Unfortunately, your favorite pizza/ burrito/ burger/ neighborhood CVS closed 30 minutes ago and you are left to fend for yourself. Right. Because you could barely get your key in the front door, let alone boil water for some mac and cheese. (Mmmmm mac and cheeeeeese.)

Even a frozen pizza is much too difficult to figure out right now. Turn on an oven? To 350? Then wait 30 minutes? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!

Lucky for you, the food industry has been busy creating products for people on the go, which also happen to work quite well for people who are too-drunk-to-function. Yes, that would be you. Just stock up on any and all of these little guys and you are good to go when the Beer Pong tourny is over and you can’t remember your name (or how you made it home with one shoe and a missing bra…):

Uncrustables:

Because making a peanut and butter jelly sandwich requires you to find bread, find peanut butter, find jelly, and then use a sharp object. Uncrustables simply requires you to open your freezer. Done and done. Peanut butter and jelly bliss.

Peanut Butter Slices:

If frozen PB&J isn’t your thang, maybe a slice of peanut butter is better. Easy to slap between two pieces of bread? Absolutely. Gross? Totally. Not quite as gross when you are drunk and just need something to soak up all that Jaeger? Yes please!

Mac and Cheese Crackers:

Back in my day we had to pour water into a bowl with noodles and microwave it for 2 minutes if we wanted some late night Mac and Cheese. Oh the horror! Not anymore, people. Now if you are craving a cheesy post-bar delicacy, all you need to do is open a box. These crackers taste just like the real thing without all that pesky work. No measuring. No cooking. No waiting.

Bagelfuls:

Just like its cousin, the PB&J sandwich, the bagel and cream cheese is just really hard to master after hours of deblitating debauchery. Ever tried to cut a bagel sober? Yeah, hard enough. Thank you, Kraft! You took the work right out of this so drunk kids everywhere could carb up without fear of losing any fingers.

Cereal and Milk Bars:

Because we all love a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch after the bar, but can’t quite get the milk into the bowl/not all over the floor. Thankfully, General Mills fixed that problem by putting milk and cereal together into one delicious late night bar.

Now if only we could get some pre-packaged Vodka Tonics.