Pillow Talk with Diana: “I’ve Been Faking!”

Q: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year, and I’ve been faking it about three-fourths of the times we have sex (the other fourth of the time is genuinely great!). I started doing it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and because he really cares about my satisfaction, but I’m tired of faking, and now I don’t want to hurt his feelings by confessing about the past year. What should I do?

A: I’m sure many people would tell you that “honesty is the best policy,” and I agree…most of the time.

But hearing “I’ve been faking it” is tough to hear–and I should know, because I told an ex-boyfriend just that in a fit of post-breakup rage (I know). Sure, saying it out of anger is different than saying it because you’re ready to be honest about your needs and satisfaction–but if you’re planning on staying with him and working on your sexual relationship, I think there are better ways to work on that relationship than dealing him a low blow to the ego like that.

If you can get things on the right track without hurting him, why not do that?

Think about it, if he told you he’s been faking it for the past year (yes, guys can fake it!), would you be able to brush it off and jump in the saddle (so to speak) to start fresh? If it were me, I’d have a hell of a hard time feeling up for another roll in the hay.

But all is not lost. First thing’s first: stop faking. Not next week, not when it starts getting better, but now. Tonight. He won’t start doing the things that push your buttons if he thinks you’re into things you really could do without.

But there’s good news. If you’re truly thrilled with his performance 25% of the time, that means he’s doing something right. It’s time to be encouraging–very encouraging–when he does something you like. No need to scream like a porn star, but make sure (in your own way) that his moves don’t go unnoticed. Even if you’re on the quiet side in bed, an extra “mmm” or even a direct “I like that” will be noticed and noted by him.

While you’re consistently encouraging the good moves, you should also be subtly discouraging the not-so-good ones. Does he need to go faster, slower, a little to the left? No need for a Powerpoint presentation. Say it like an order in the heat of the moment while you’re in bed, and he’ll be happy to oblige.

What if the problem is more of the “he’s waaaay off” variety? Remember all the good stuff he was doing? Ask for more of that when he’s veering off course–a “do that thing I like” should do the trick. Feeling tongue-tied? Just grab his hand and put it where you want it.

What it comes down to is that this guy wants to please you, and you want to be pleased—so whichever way you say it, whether you use my suggestions or tell him upfront that you’ve been faking, the point is to just say it. You deserve to feel satisfied more than just once in a while–and the both of you will be happier once that happens.

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Photo courtesy of caylawonderful via Flickr.