A**holes Finish First

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last four years, it’s this: Girls. Dig. A**holes.

Seriously. There are a lot of us who actually ENJOY meeting – and dating – this special breed of douche.

Okay. I might be EXTREMELY overgeneralizing here, but I have seen a wide range of chicks fall for guys who treat them like absolute sh*t. I’ve seen girls who stick with their sub-par lovers for years and can’t give you a straight answer as to why they put up with it.

I probably fall into this category as well; nice guys like me all the time, yet I constantly shy away from them in favor of their more dramatic/mysterious/douchebag-y counterparts.

This might be like flossing a dead horse – or watching a Tina Fey as Sarah Palin SNL skit (again, not that I’m complaining!), but seriously, why the hell do nice guys finish last? And whose fault is it, really?

A few of my theories :

1. Girl mistakes cockiness for confidence. Because we live in an individualistic society that stresses the importance of CONFIDENCE and SELF-ESTEEM and GOING FOR THE GOLD (no matter how you get there), it is totally possible to perceive straight-up cockiness as a public display of confidence. However, in the case of the A**hole, the guy isn’t just confident – he’s practically narcissistic. He basically feels NOTHING for any other human beside himself. So, by the time the Nice Girl realizes said dude will never care about anything other than his hair, his car and sticking his you-know-what into every willing hoo-ha in town, she’s already said the “L-word” and picked out future children’s names.

2. Girl thinks she can change the bad boy. Women are natural nurturers. We like to take care of stuff, like our best friends and our nails and our MAC makeup collection. We play therapist to most everyone in our lives. It makes us feel good to make other people feel good. So, when Nice Girl meets a guy who has some issues – like being unable to emotionally connect with other people, and/or maintain a solid relationship, or has cheated on past girlfriends – Nice Girl always thinks that SHE is obviously the one who can change the A**hole’s deviant ways. Realistically, she knows this isn’t true. But we all want to believe that we are that special girl.

Eventually though, Nice Girl learns that A**hole will never change, but she sticks around because she’s still in love with the concept of who A**hole COULD be, if he only stopped hanging out with that crowd/gave up drinking/got a new job…none of which will ever happen. Girl digs A**hole because she genuinely believes that underneath all the B.S. there is a knight in shining armor just BEGGING to be set free and show up on her doorstep with a bottle of red wine and a copy of “Baby Mama.” There’s not.

3. Girl lacks confidence. Of course, we can’t blame EVERYTHING on the A**hole. According to The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “we accept the love we think we deserve.” I don’t think I could have said it better. Sometimes, we find ourselves attached to the A**hole because we don’t believe that we can find anyone else, or perhaps we don’t even know anything better exists. It does.

4. Chivalry kinda sorta scares Girl. Although Girl doesn’t want to admit it, being treated well sometimes feels kind of awkward. When we go out with a Nice Guy, we know he’s going to do all the “typical” gentleman-ly stuff, like open our car doors and hold our hand while walking down the street. Sometimes, this is just plain weird and makes us feel kinda funny. Nice Guy virtually loses all unique points when he acts like this because Nice Guys all. act. the. same. way. They wait too long to make a move, they call too often and they are just too damn nice.

5. Girl likes the chase. Seriously, who doesn’t? Sometimes Nice Guys are just too easy. We like it when guys don’t give in to us right away. It’s exciting and it gives us something to daydream about when we’re bored in English Lit. Lame? Yes. Understandable? Definitely.

6. Finally, sometimes A**holes just really know how to play the game. They can thoroughly convince us that they are indeed a Nice Guy when the complete opposite is true. When our friends start to point out several signs of their douchebaggery, we have a “talk” with A**hole and he convinces us that our friends are batsh*t crazy and watch too much Sex & the City and that we have nothing to worry about. The A**hole will do anything he can to prevent Nice Girl from seeing his true colors….and he’s damn good at it, too.

That’s all I got. What do you lovely CC readers think – why do girls like assholes?

[Photo from kit haselden's flickr]