Cosmo Says the Darndest Things: November Edition

[I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is - in a word - whack.

By Kari

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month: 75 Crazy-Hot Sex Moves. Inevitably, variations of the same “ingenious” sex moves, tips tricks, “advice from real guys” (oddly enough, 19-24 year old males speak in the exact manner of Cosmo’s writers) are published every other month. November’s issue does not disappoint, but there were a few gems that even a die-hard Cosmo Girl just ain’t down for.

#2. “Intensify his orgasm by placing two fingers an inch behind his balls and feeling for a dent…For the last 30 seconds before he comes, massage the spot in a circular motion.”

Ok, I’m all for orgasm intensification, but not at the stake of my man’s butthole. Even Cosmo shows a little uncertainty about anal relations (“It’s totally cool…but make sure it’s ok with him first.”—they don’t include a disclaimer about permish before any of their other moves…), so I’m not so ready to venture that close while my target is rapidly thrusting and moving every which way. Additionally, there are tell tale signs that a guy is about to orgasm, but I don’t know if I’m skilled enough to identify them half a minute in advance. Cosmo has this very odd way of giving hyperprecise timing instructions for many of their moves…

# 14. “Straddle your guy, then lean forward and rest your upper body on his torso. Bring one leg out to the side, and bend it so that the inside of your leg is against the bed. Then straighten the other leg, and slide it in between his legs. You’ll be better able to rock your clitoral area against his pelvis.”

Um, can I see a diagram? Any sex position that requires more concentration than yogalates cannot be that enjoyable. Contorting my body to the point where I’m thinking about where my torso is in relation to my leg can only mean one thing: I’m not focused on the pleasure goin’ on at that point. I’ll pass…

21. “While on top, straddle your guy and clench your legs so his arms and torso are pinned down. As he keeps still, roll your hips in a clockwise direction. Switch to counter-clockwise, then back, every 30 seconds.”

Again with the timing! Do the women who play guinea pig for these articles have a stopwatch? Even if I did have a clock handy, you can be sure I won’t remember to check it every 30 seconds…which would screw up the rhythm, throw me off of my concentration—see number 14.

44. “While driving home one night, tell him to pull off into a secluded parking area. Then take him in the backseat.”

This can’t end well. Trust me, from personal experience. When you sexily demand that he pull over, he interprets your “throaty phone sex” voice as an “Oh sh*t! Deer!” voice. When he slams on the brakes you can be sure he’s not gonna be in the mood for any sexy time…at least for the first two minutes. Either that, or once in said secluded area and all hot and heavy, windows fogged, etc., you will be so creeped out by déjà vu to every teen horror film you’ve ever seen and immediately panic. Additionally, if any officer of the law comes to check out your suspicious (-ly rocking) vehicle, you’re in for some major embarrassment and possible citations.

54. “Before company comes over, get it on in one of the chairs in your living room. Seeing a guest sitting there later will remind you of how naughty you were.”

False. My thoughts of chair occupants will not be after my “naughtiness” but very much during. And instead of thinking about all the sexy things we’re doing on our chair, I’ll be thinking “Wow, whoever sits here next is one unlucky mofo! Huh, I wonder if there’s any way they would ever be able to tell. Oh God I hope not. Wait, if they can’t tell—how can I?! How many sex cahirs have I been the unsuspecting occupant of? OMG EW! And how many peole have done it before in this chair?! This furniture came with the apartment!”

So thank you, Cosmo, for never failing to deliver on your promise of wonderful new sex techniques for me to try every month. For the most part, I completely share your visions of improved orgasms, fun foreplay and great ways to incorporate more whipped cream in my life. Sometimes though, we just have to choose our separate paths (mine steering way clear of anal, arrests for lewd and lascivious behavior, severe bodily injury and clockwatch bootay.)

Come back next month for more of Cosmo’s more questionable advice. In the mean time though, feel free to post any tidbits you have a bone to pick with.