An Open Letter to Those Friends Who Think it’s Okay to Get Married Before 25

October 26, 2008 3:30 pm     Posted in HaHa  K - NYU g+ page

cinderellaweddingcaketopper.jpgDear Engaged Friends,


By K

So, congratulations! Have you picked a date? Done the dress shopping? Gone cake tasting? Picked the esteemed members of your bridal party? Great! So if we could take a minute to shift the focus over to me? Yeah.

You’re freaking me out.

Early, early, early 20s are not a time when the general “you” should be worried about marriage, especially when I can’t even decide whether I want to go to grad school or work or what. And yet, you’re kind of making me think I should be worried. I mean, isn’t everybody in the dating game right now, yourselves excluded? Aren’t most pople our age single? Don’t you know that marriage is supposed to be forever and divorces are really expensive and, frankly, so are weddings (especially on the east coast—eep)?

And also, are you going to get all judgy all of a sudden? I’m still the delinquent “single friend” who can’t land a boyfriend for more than a couple months at a shot, I have no life direction as yet (but we’re hoping, any day now, for an epiphany)… Are you going to keep giving me that “I’m judging you without trying to seem that way” look while continually asking how my dating life is going? Because I can tell you already: I’m really not going to meet anyone anytime soon. I’m pretty sure I’m bad at the dating game and I probably can’t even find someone to commit to being my date at your wedding to keep me from looking as alone and pathetic as I apparently am…

No, it’s fine. I’ll be at the bar, don’t worry about it.

Wait; you are having an open bar, aren’t you?

I’m sure it’s not your intention to make me feel bad here, and your wedding is really just about the two of you and eternal love and sunshine and daisies and what-not. But until this whole engagement situation I really thought I was just normal and average for a twenty-something. But… marriage. Wow. You kids aren’t screwing around. You’re getting your lives together. I just settled on my major last week, thought that was a big deal, but here you are stealing my thunder, not parting til death and throwing yourselves bachelor and bachelorette parties that I can’t even afford to attend. Oh and also, thanks for registering at Crate & Barrel; I can maybe afford to buy you a serving spoon or can opener.

In any case, I guess it’s not your fault, and I don’t exactly blame you… but you’re kind of bringing out the worst in me. You make me feel inadequate and kind of uncomfortable. And alone. And poor. Can you maybe just make an extra vow to some of your friends to not become the lame married couple? To stay fun and pleasant like you were when you were just boyfriend-and-girlfriend? To not make the rest of us feel awkward for being single, and to not judge us for our lack of awesomeness in relationships?

Thanks.

And again, mazel tov.

Love,

K

PS—If you want me in your bridal party, peach is not a color option.

[Photo courtesy of home.att.net]

27 Comments on "An Open Letter to Those Friends Who Think it’s Okay to Get Married Before 25"

  1. Sam says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 200811:53 am 

    I was one of those that got married before 25… and shortly thereafter divorced before 25. What an expensive lesson that was.

  2. JT says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 200812:00 pm 

    Haha, thank you for this. I'm confused why I have so many friends who feel the need to be married by 25 but it's kinda crazy.

    Haha, this letter pretty much sums up my life these next few weekends!! ah!

  3. Erin says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 200812:22 pm 

    Ok good, it's not just me. *Phew*

  4. Carla says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20081:06 pm 

    im marrying when am near my 30s or in my 30s but never in my early or mid 20s. i figured, id need a good career first to build a family and be financially ok (or better yet, a strong) and of course, find "mr right" too. =p

  5. Callie says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20081:18 pm 

    To each his/her own.

    I think that people will get married whenever they feel it is the right time for them. You can't generalize everyone under 25 who gets married because theres not guarantee it will automatically fail. And yes I am aware of the 50% divorce rate, but dont focus on the bad half.

    I was the maid of honor in my 20 year old best friends wedding just yesterday. They have been together for almost 3 years and countless people have doubted their relationship because of her age. I will be there to support her if it goes sour because thats what friends do. I may not be ready to get married at my age (20), but that doesn't mean everyone is the same.

  6. Rebecca says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20081:31 pm 

    Dude, let them do what they want. If you feel judged when they ask you about your dating life, that's your problem, not theirs.

  7. jen says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20083:41 pm 

    whoa rebecca let me guess that you are one of those people who is always in a relationship? there is sometimes judging and that is not the single persons problem – its the friends that are being condescending and thinking they're better just because they are in a relationship. i get it all the time from one of my roommates, who has been with her bf for over a year, but not my other roommate who has been with hers for a little over two. so explain that.

    btw i love this – i get beyond stressed out when i think that people get married in their early twenties and when i see people in my graduating class putting up wedding pictures on facebook. im only 19- WHO GETS MARRIED AT 19?!?! because i am sooo far away from a relationship let alone getting married!!

  8. Melissa says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20084:25 pm 

    I'm so sick of this stereotype about married or engaged women making their single friends feel inadequate. I've been engaged for 3 months (I'm 20 years old) and while I love my friends to death I couldn't care less about their relationship status. And if you have friends that make you feel that way (which sucks) then you just need better friends. College Candy is great but this article made me roll my eyes.

  9. Callie says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20085:41 pm 

    So what about all of the couples that got married right out of high school, back in the day. Many of them are still together, like grandparents who have been married for 50+ years?? It worked back then, who decided it can't work now?

  10. Dana Nicole says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20086:29 pm 

    I'm 23. I met the love of my life 2 years ago and we're getting married next year. I've always wanted to get married young because I want to have kids young. Who wants to be 65 and watching their kids graduate from high school? At that rate I'd be dead before my kids were married.

    And if you have a kid at 40, you'll look funny next to all the young moms when you take your kid to 1st grade.

  11. Christine says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20087:39 pm 

    I don't think it should matter how old you are when you take your kids to school. All that matters is that you're a good parent. Period.

    As for the marriage idea, a friend of mine and I talk about this all the time. Our friends from high school are getting engaged left and right! We feel very out of the loop and thus have decided that we will go to each wedding and fake mope about how we're not conforming and getting hitched.

    Really though, every person must decided on their own. But everyone should be 100% sure of themselves before tying the knot otherwise it's tough to get out of. I personally could not deal with marriage right now (or ever, I'm not the marrying type). I don't feel stable enough in life to deal with it. But hey, if someone else does, whatever. Just don't make me feel like a fool for not conforming.

  12. drey says:
    Sun, 26th Oct 20088:48 pm 

    I agree with Melissa. And not all of those people who are engaged young lose their fun; that is just so stereotypical about marriage and it's dumb.

    Engagement right after university for me is ideal. I can't wait!

  13. Lauren, University o says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20084:24 am 

    I dont care who gets married when, but all these damn weddings are getting expensive. Can't you wait until I AM ready for you to get married? Thanks.

  14. ela says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20085:12 am 

    in america are there so many connotative sayings and phrases about getting married and having a family. 'taking the plunge' 'getting hitched' 'ball and chain' 'knocked up' etc. in other places it's still celebrated and holy. america killed the joys/sanctity of it all which is why you're programmed to have such a bad attitude about it (look at the divorce rates yikes). depends on your culture definitely- i'm sure other people from foreign countries agree.

  15. Anna says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20085:14 am 

    What's the rush anyway? I know when you're young it looks really fun to play house, but think of what you'll be missing. I was engaged at 21 and then broke it off after a few months, and now I look back and think of all of the single things I've done and am glad I didn't go through with it.

    The 20-30 years are when you decide who you want to be for the rest of your life. It's a little harder to do that when there's someone else influencing you.

  16. K. says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20088:08 am 

    WOW lots of you are all kinds of upset about this one.

    For starters let's be serious, it's supposed to be kind of a funny article. Ergo, I am not completely irrational. Nor do I honestly believe that all young married couples are doomed to failure. I have friends who have been married for years and are a few kids deep at this point, they're happy and wonderful and I love them dearly… so chillax.

    Secondly, sorry but I don't think it's at all bad to be kind of freaked out by marriage when you're in your early 20's. It's a huge transition from running around campus to actually being a housewife, and I think that most people would agree with that as well.

    And also… um I think there are a decent amount of 30-something to 40-year-old moms out there with little kids… people who wanted to be totally done with school and way into their career before starting a family. But that's a whole 'nother article, I'd imagine.

  17. K K says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20088:12 am 

    Engaged/Married at 20? You can't even drink legally at your own wedding!

  18. Callie says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 200810:43 am 

    Yes you can drink at your own wedding if you are under 21. At least in Wisconsin, in the case of my friend who just married someone over 21, she can now legally drink when she is with her husband.

  19. leebee says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 200812:46 pm 

    Amen, K!!

    I'm in a long term relationship and am 22 and I'm starting to feel the pinch of all of the people I know who are marrying and having kids. AND they're starting to question me saying "When are you getting married", and "You're next".

    It makes me think that I'm missing out on something until I think about the financial stress of a wedding and the mountains of poopy diapers from babies.

    I think I'll wait. :P

  20. Meregan says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20081:47 pm 

    I think it just depends on whether you personally are ready for marriage. Age shouldn't really come into it as long as you are emotionally and financially prepared to deal with it. For some, that is 21. For others, it's 31.

  21. akp says:
    Mon, 27th Oct 20087:27 pm 

    Wow, married,not married,want to get married, want to be singe forever! Life changes drastically all the time. The trick to overcoming the differences in your friends lifestyles, is to stay friends. Who cares about the rest? Don't stress on it either way. It's great to have friends who have husbands and kids, you get watch a family grow. And it's great to be a Mom who gets to go out every once in a while with her single girlfriend! Just relax, it will all work out if you want it to.

  22. renee says:
    Tue, 28th Oct 20081:59 pm 

    Let me start by saying that I love this site. You have no idea how many hours (all whilst "working"… shhh) I spend reading it. I'm always sending out links of particularly amusing articles to my buddies.

    But this is so not one of those stories.

    To that say this story offended me is a grave understatement as I am indeed a HAPPILY engaged 21-year-old. K., I appreciate that you attempted to amend this childish and jealous rant in the comments section. However, I think it's lame that you said you were being funny with this post. I have a decent sense of humor and can easily pinpoint things that are funny as opposed to things that are not.

    Come on, man! This snarky shit couldn't be any further from funny! Not all engaged or married people are pompous jerks. I'd also like to say that getting married does not mean that you will subsequently become a house wife. What an incredibly archaic belief. Quite frankly, I'm shocked that a writer for such a female-empowering site would make such a sexist, snide comment.

    Has it ever crossed your mind that we betrothed folks might be just a bit envious of someone in your situation? Congrats on being single (though you seem kinda insecure about it) and choosing a major and all, but you need to be nicer to engaged couples. Well, you can do that or write an article that is truly funny, not catty.

  23. belle says:
    Tue, 28th Oct 20082:38 pm 

    I don't think that age should matter that much, but the length of time you are with the person should. I'm sure that there are couples who had successful marriages after only knowing each other a few months/a year or two, but I think that in general you need to be together for 3 years to know if it will really work in the long-term. I know that sounds like an arbitrary number, but I really think it takes about 3 years to leave the honeymoon stage and realize how your "forever" lives will be. There probably won't be anyone on here who can attest either way, but I'd be curious to know.

  24. beth says:
    Tue, 28th Oct 20086:31 pm 

    You can't just lump every young married couple into the same "what the hell were they thinking, they're too young" category… We don't all go nuts and become home-bodies and ditch our friends!

    I got married at 21 (well, 2 months shy of 22) and December will be our 2 year anniversary- and you know what? Our social lives have not suffered a single bit- we have a lot of mutual friends (some of which are married, some are not) and we have some non-mutual friends…

    My husband and I love spending time together- he works as a retail store manager so he has strange hours sometimes and I work 9-5, so we don't always get to hang out much every night, sometimes it's just watching an episode of TrueBlood and then going to bed… But we always eat dinner together and Sundays we always go on a date, dinner and a movie, or to the beach or whatever…just re-connecting time- but we don't feel obligated to do EVERYTHING together when we're both off- Friday nights, I have girls night with my girlfriends and maybe he stays home and plays his X Box (they don't grow out of that…he's 30) or sometimes he goes out and grabs a beer with HIS buddies.

    Maybe marrying young doesn't make sense to you- maybe you're not at the 'ready to settle down' maturity level — not everybody hits it at the same time… but maybe we got sick of the endless nights of beer pong and one night stands (or maybe we skipped that all-together…) and decided we were ready for something substantial and worthwhile.

    Marrying my husband was the best decision of my life-

    However, I do have to say that we've both decided we're holding off on kids until I'm at least 25-26…I'm not quite ready to jump into being THAT domesticated yet! :) I still enjoy my GNO's after all…

  25. jes says:
    Wed, 29th Oct 20086:21 am 

    I also agree its a big sterotype that most girls in relationships look down on their single friends, because I know a lot of single girls who actually are the ones comparing and feeling sorry for themselves because they want to be in a serious relationship, not the other way around.

    Most of us in LTR's know its hard work, and usually can get pretty stressful, (still absolutley worth it) so why would we rub that in our friends' faces?

    Maybe some girls let their insecurities or personal desires make them believe others are looking down on them, when they really aren't.

    I'm a single girl at heart, and I sure do miss my crazy nights out, but I still wouldn't trade my bf for the world.

    I must admit though, hearing single friends whine about settling down when they're getting to go out partying all the time is kidna annoying…

    I mean really, you aren't usually gonna meet "mr. right" at the local bar when you're drunk face every friday night… I dunno.

  26. Fox Parker says:
    Wed, 31st Dec 20085:01 pm 

    hey ladies if you are getting married and cash is a problem i found this why hasn't he proposed? engagement ring sweepstakes for a FREE ring. good luck…i signed up a bunch of times! http://www.PerfectFind.com/diamondring

  27. Alyx says:
    Tue, 3rd Feb 20098:46 am 

    Okay, let's get real here. Obviously marriage is a big commitment. But it's one that different people make at different points in their lives. I'm 20 years old. I have friends that got married right out of high school. Hell, my parents (who have been married 25 years) got married when they were 19 and 23. Just because marriage before age 25 doesn't work for you doesn't mean that you should criticize people for whom it does.

    I've been in a relationship for over a year now, and of course the topic of marriage has come up. We decided that we don't want to take that step until after I've graduated… but guess what, that's still before age 25. Are you going to look down on me because, while I'm getting married after I've started my career, I'm getting married before the age of 25?

    You're looking down on people for getting married too soon is pretty much the same thing as them looking down on you for NOT getting married.

    Everyone is entitle to an opinion, but that doesn't mean that anyone's opinion is particularly RIGHT or WRONG.

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