College Candy

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]Four guys talking over Saturday breakfast:

One guy: “Man, I’m f—ing hungry. I’m gonna slam so much sausage into my mouth.”

Second guy: “Yeah, dude. You do that.”

After a pause:

First guy: “What did I say?”

“RuPaul, singing Little Drummer Boy, on a 45? Worst record ever.”

“I made them a nipple-straw.”

“Listen. Next semester? I’m not kidding, we need to have some serious man cannon action.”

Beat. Pause. Awkward looks.

“I’m talking about Halo.”

A blonde girl to an equally blonde guy:

“Oh, I just can’t wait until we’re a bunch of old crackers!”

Everyone else:

“…What?”

In a crowded mall, one girl, while texting on her cell phone, walks directly into a non-automatic door.

“I don’t know much about him. He kept all his music in a folder labeled ‘horse porn’.”

Two construction guys working on a dormitory:

“Pack of cigarettes, full tank of gas, we’re on a mission from God.”

The problems with a ‘valley girl’ accent:

“What kind of soups do they ‘aaaave…”

“What… what did you just say?”

“Nothing. Gaaaahhd…”

Two men smoking outside a dorm:

“I don’t know. Would it be hot if a girl were lactating?”

“Yeah. You know, I think it’s great when women embrace their bovine tendencies.”

“My two thumbs conspired and said – ‘Let’s grow bumps!’”

“So, you know, I didn’t know how much time I had, so I decided to get started early.”

“And nobody caught you?”

“Nah, that teacher’s totally oblivious. I figured people would smell it before they saw it.”

“Wait, where do you get your stuff from?”

“Oh, some guy in Buckley. I have no idea what it is, but it gives you, like, the driest high ever.”

“… and so he opened the door and he was wearing the Robocop suit!”