Decision 2008: Party like a President-Elect

By John

They’re trooping off to the polls in the biting November chill, snug in their Uggs and North Faces zipped to the collars. They’re waking up too early and standing around in long lines for something that isn’t free food. They’re American college students, and they are voting.

Smell that? That’s the smell of freedom. Also, American college students don’t shower much.

Are you with them – or are you against them? Political nihilists beware: the jaded, “The-electoral-college-it’s-a-broken-system-f**k-I’m-moving-to-the-Moon” attitude won’t get you anywhere this year, because cynicism is out and passion is in! If it’s such a big stick up your ass, go vote for Bob Barr or something. If he’s not on the ballot, write-in “John from College Candy.” But please, do go and vote.

And what about this evening? You probably don’t have anything important to do while you watch poll results stream in, and “Nation’s First Black President” or “Nation’s First Woman Vice President” are both perfectly acceptable reasons to skip all your classes tomorrow. This means you should drink!

2008 United States Presidential Election Drinking Game

(As always, replace “chug” with “shot” if that’s how you roll.)

- Drink after you vote – you’ve earned it! (Not before, please.)

- Prepare red and blue drinks (Red – Sex on the Beach and… blue? I don’t know, straight Blue Curacao?) and drink from one or the other whenever a state gets called for the respective party.

- Chug every time a “swing state” (Florida, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Colorado, Georgia) turns into a blowout for one side or the other.

- Drink every time Obama looks sassy and classy at his Chicago gala. Chug if he repeats his dance performance from his appearance on Ellen DeGeneres.

- Drink every time McCain gives anyone a thumbs-up or winks; chug if both.

- Drink any time anyone on the T.V. says “Joe;” chug if Sarah Palin says it.

- Drink whenever Tina Fey pops onto the TV, not including “30 Rock” commercials.

- Drink every time McCain styles himself an “underdog.”

- Drink every time Obama uses spiritual, religious or otherwise goofy metaphor to describe himself, his campaign or his supporters (“a mighty wind is at our backs,” for example).

- Drink every time a McCain supporter walks into the room (You’re on a college campus, they’re rare creatures)

- If you are a McCain supporter, chug whenever you get depressed about the election, which probably means “whenever results come in.” It’s going to be a long night for you, I’m afraid. You’ll probably want to forget the pain.

- If you’re an Obama supporter, meanwhile, drink and high-five someone every time you feel “pumped.”

- If you didn’t vote today, your punishment is drinking malt liquor alone in your room, a**hole.

- Drink every time a report of voter suppression rolls in. Ideally, you’re also drunk enough to stand up and start an angry chant about your god-damn f**king rights.

- Drink every time one of the candidates’ attack lawyers gets ready to sue.

- Drink every time a saccharine T.V. reporter gushes about the enormous passion of youth voters this year.

- Drink whenever someone cites the “Bradley effect” – or racism in general, for that matter.

- Drink every time you can give everyone a smarmy grin and say “Oh, yeah, I read about this on the Internet.”

- Finally, chug when we elect a new President of the United States of America! It’s history in the making – who wants to remember something like that?