Pillow Talk with Diana: “I’m Hornier Than My Boyfriend!”

Q: My sex drive is through the roof, and I can easily have sex twice a day, every day…but my boyfriend is a different story. He’s fine only having sex once or twice a week. We’ve been together for almost a year, but we’ve been fighting about this more and more lately, usually after he brushes me off if I’m trying to “seduce” him, at which point I usually make passive aggressive statements about how I should find someone who DOES want to have sex with me. I feel bad for saying it, but I’m also starting to believe it! Aren’t guys supposed to dream of having a girlfriend that wants to have sex all the time? What should I do?

A: I can sympathize–I’m also the sex fiend in my relationship, and it can be really frustrating. Here’s the thing, though — I don’t think twice weekly sex is really a problem, at least not in the way that once-every-3-months sex would be a problem. Seems to me that’s it’s just a preference and not indicative of how attractive and sexy he finds you. Only you know for yourself if it’s a dealbreaker or not.

I think a lot of the frustration might actually be coming from how the situation is handled, and less so the frequency of sex. Start by changing how you fight. I completely understand your passive-aggressive reaction (and I’ve so been there), but it’s only making him more defensive and not open to talking about it. Try bringing it up during a neutral time–not before, during, or after sex (or the rejection of sex)–and explain it to him in “I” statements: “I don’t feel good about myself when you brush off my advances.”

Get his walls down and appeal to his sensitive side before you continue with questioning–ask him if his sex drive has always been like this with past girlfriends. Ask him why he turns down sex when he does–is he tired? Stressed? Does he prefer morning sex instead of nighttime nooky?” You might just need to shake up your routine a bit, like having sex in the morning before the stress of the day gets to him, or picking a weekend every month to stay in bed and mess around. The goal is to have a 100% honest conversation with both of you letting your guards down, so bite your tongue when you feel yourself getting frustrated and tempted to hit him where it hurts with a passive-aggressive comment.

If his sex drive has always been like this, if there are no medical issues, and if the sex is satisfying and lengthy enough when it does happen, you may just have to decide if you can live with it. Before you give up on this battle, though, think about whether there’s something bothering you besides just the frequency itself. Is it that you feel like you’re always doing the initiating? Tell him that you want him to be more aggressive with you. Is it that you want a little more excitement? See if he’s up for a trip to a sex toy store to pick up something you can use together.

And if none of that helps, or if he’s not willing to try to try anything you suggest, then you’ll need to make a decision. I can’t make it for you–only you know whether or not you can stand it forever. Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship, but it is important, and if what’s happening (or not happening) between the sheets is making you feel bad about yourself and making you resent your boyfriend, you might have to have the “it’s not you, it’s me” conversation.

Got a question for Pillow Talk ? Email it to pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com, and we’ll tackle it next time!

[Image via Daily Mail]