College Candy

[Every week, CC and John will bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution! Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“I hated the f**king noodle dance! I don’t need to do a dance when I get an idea – f**k you! That’s why you’re otters! If you were smarter, you’d be a more highly evolved mammal! And you wouldn’t need to break sh*t on your stomachs to eat it!”

“So we’re gonna put the thing there.”

“No, we can’t put the thing there, you a**holes!”

“Why are we a**holes, Steve, why are we a**holes? You think we’re a**holes because we can’t put the thing where you want.”

“Dude, it’s the f**king thing! It has to go there! A**hole.”

“That’s not a deer, that’s an ingénue!”

“Yo, Team Food Butthole stinks. Team Food A**hole is Awesome!”

“Hey, I’m Nate. Nice to meet you.”

“Cool. I’m Kevin – I’m this dude’s brother. Yeah. We came out of the same hole. Nice to meet you too.”

“Gimme some french fries.”

“Dude, stop it, you have your own fries!”

“I want to put them on my pizza.”

“Weren’t you trying to lose weight?”

“Exactly. That’s why I’m eating french fry pizza.”

A guy and a girl are walking through the Student Union, with giant empty boxes over their heads.

“Hey, Brenda, check it out! I’m a box turtle!”

“What?”

“A box turtle… get it?”

“Yeah. You know what, shut up, Dan. This was a terrible idea.”

“Okay, so here’s the scenario: you’re trapped in a burning building, and you can’t get to any exits. There’s a big hose attached to the wall, though.”

“I’d probably turn on the hose.”

“Uh-oh! The hose is filled with lighter fluid! You just got f**ked, man.”

“I hate you.”