An Open Letter To Facebook Ads

Dear Facebook Ads,

By Ali

I’m not sure when we became best friends, but it appears you know quite a bit about me. I don’t remember telling you, come to think of it, but it looks like you got the word that I am newly single. I have deduced that you know this because you are running special ads for me, like: “single again?” and “Going through a break-up?”

How kind of you! I was hoping that you, anonymous Facebook ads, would help me fix my love life!

It’s nice that you take note that my tied down friends need no such help from you, but that because my status is “single” I am a candidate for your therapy! Do I need a second chance with my ex? I sure do, Facebook advertisement! At 20 years old I am a miserable spinster! I desperately need your advice on how to win my man back – the man that I got rid of on my own accord – so, please, tell me how! Never mind the fact that you just assumed I was the dumped; I will take your advice anyway. Really? I can just enter my e-mail and you will send me tips? I can watch helpful videos? What ever would I do without you!?

No, I definitely don’t find it creepy that you found this information by reading personal facts about me. You’re only trying to do what’s best for me and, honestly, I should send you a thank-you note! “Unlucky in love?” Gripping headline! Yes, I am so unlucky. All of us single gals are unlucky and cannot possibly be happy. Thank you for helping me recognize that, my darling Facebook ad companion. Thank goodness we have become bffl’s! Who needs real (or kinda real, but really just on FB so I can see their pictures) friends when I have you!?

And while we are on the subject of our blossoming friendship I just want to throw out an additional thank you for taking the time to read all of my interests! I think it’s great that you have read through all my activities, and favorite movies, books and music. It’s super sweet of you to tell me all the things I can buy based on what I love. Yes, I definitely would like to buy some novel writing software just because I like to write. Funny, I did not realize on my own that Ben Folds had a new CD a month ago! And you’re right; I do need a “Sex Panther” tee just because I like the movie Anchorman. You rock!

How can I begin to thank you for stalking my page and telling me what to do with my life? I will definitely buy all your product suggestions, and relationship advice. Quite frankly, you have made me whole again; my heart has been mended with your advertising glue.

Sincrely,

You know who (really, you totally do since you know everything)